The first thing you will notice on your first run in a while is that running is easy. You are just chugging along, the breathing is good, you look amazing in your new workout clothes, and you are going to get in shape so fast. You wonder why you were putting off starting running again, it is so easy.

The next thing you notice is that running is fucking stupid. You are in so much pain. Your calves burn. Your chest hurts. This is what death feels like. You consider running towards the light, but that would require more running, and you are too out of shape for that. At best you could do a light jog towards death. Running is the worst thing that has ever happened and you will die fat and unloved.

You then notice how stiff your new running shoes are. They dig into your ankles, and you can fill blisters start to form. Your new workout socks fill up with your blood. Buying workout socks may have been a bit overboard. How do they differ from normal socks?

The workout playlist you put together while procrastinating at work sucks. You notice it started off strong with “Panama” by Van Halen, but it has gotten weaker. You struggle to feel motivated to continue through the pain and your bloody, bloody socks as “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen plays. As they sing “Galileo” you wish that an apple would fall from the sky and hit you on the head much as it did for Galileo. You do not notice that you have gotten Galileo mixed up with Newton. You are not very smart.

You notice that there is a person walking the other way on the road you are on. You had better run a bit faster in order to impress them. Hopefully, they do not notice the sweat on your face, the blood flowing like a river from your socks, or the vomit on your shirt. Oh yea, you also notice that at some point you seem to have vomited.

As you pass that person, and nod like a cool dude, you notice that they do not seem to notice how active and buff you are. They do not look up. What an asshole. If people don’t see you running and feel bad because they are not being as active as you are, what is the point of running?

Next, you notice that you seem to have a phalanx of tiny Greek soldiers inside your body and they are stabbing you in the lungs with their historically accurate iron spears. The spears are solely for thrusting and stabbing. They will never throw these spears. You notice that your Classics professor was right, this information would come in handy.

You now notice that you are not very far from home. You’re like two streets over. You’ve listened to three songs, but one was “Bohemian Rhapsody” and one was “November Rain” (why was this on your workout playlist?) so you have been running for like a long time. You are no longer running very fast, nor do you want to be. You decide that if a bear or a dog or a mongoose was chasing you, you would probably just die.

You notice that you are bleeding rectally. Gross.

You decide that you have run far enough, and you elect to walk home. It is like a cool-down. That is a smart and very common thing that active people do. Usually, the cool-down involves less swearing, vomiting, and rectal bleeding. The cool-down also usually does not last 18 times as long as the actual workout, but you are an innovator.

You get home and, upon flexing shirtless in front of the mirror and realizing that muscles have not immediately formed, you decide that going for a run does not work. You throw out the socks. You throw out the underwear. You notice that the rest of the workout clothes are very comfortable though, and you decide to keep them for sitting on the couch and watching Netflix.

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