So You've Decided to Buy an Ed Hardy Shirt

Guy wearing an Ed Hardy shirt in front of a graffiti wall

Hey bro, I see you're shopping for a new shirt...sweet. What's that, you've moved on from wearing colorful shirts with seagulls on them and want to appear more masculine? Yeah I know what you mean, it's time to get something classier and tastefu– oh, you're getting an Ed Hardy shirt? Well in that case let me congratulate you on this new chapter in your life, one filled with glitter, embroidery, and fucking girls who like shiny objects (that's you).

I know what you're saying, picking out clothes is super-hard. We're not talking regular everyday clothes, were talking about a shirt that's going to get you some action when you head out for the night. What better way to show the opposite sex that you're a thoughtful and smart guy than by dropping $300 on a bejeweled shirt with the same design as a Hell's Angels gang tattoo, complete with snake crawling through skull?

Yeah I guess you're right, dude, you don't want girls to think that you're all...imptelligent and shit, you just want to give the bitches an excuse to touch your six-pack abs. In which case, this is the perfect shirt for you and there are plenty of reasons why you'd buy one:

  • You want to appear to be an MMA fighter without all the punching and kicking stuff.
  • You fucking love shots.
  • You have a tribal tattoo on your bicep(s).
  • Your TV is stuck on MTV.
  • ...Steroids?
  • You're a male stripper who has the night off.
  • You're Lil Wayne.
  • You start conversations by telling people how much you can bench.
  • You have small calves.
  • You love yayo.
  • You don't like buttons.

Lil Wayne wearing Ed Hardy with a girl on stage
You can take off the shirt, but you can't shake the regret.
So now that we're clear on your intentions when buying this garment, we're going to need to re-tool your lifestyle to match these new threads. First things first: hit something. It doesn't matter what it is: the punching bag in your basement, that area of your wall that probably doesn't have a stud behind it, a stray kitten who's looking at you funny, anything really. You see, once you put this shirt on, you're going to start hitting things all around you whether you like it or not. That's just what the shirt turns you into; it's out of your control. 

Now that you've broken (in) your knuckles, it's time to work on your mind. Reading: stop it. Stop reading everything but bodybuilding forums and Facebook statuses. You'll want to be as oafish as possible so that there's no way you can accidentally say something intelligent when talking to people and ruin this persona you've worked so hard to create.

Douchebags wearing Ed Hardy shirts
Tricks of the d'bag trade.
Last but not least, you'll want to do some work on your body. What do you eat for breakfast? If the answer isn't steroids then you're doing it wrong. You need to juice yourself up so that not only will your veins pop, but we'll be able to see each individual blood cell pass through your body and into your cold beating heart.

Got it? Cool, now go enjoy your shirt....douchebag.



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Andrei Trostel's picture

Nicely done Slava, I'm with you on this one.
Every single time I see one of these shirts on someone, I can't help but start snickering at the guy wearing it. Ed Hardy shirts are the equivalent to parachute pants from the 80s. People are going to be laughing their asses off when they look at old pictures of themselves in these ridiculous things.

Yaro Shepherd's picture

Thanks Andrei,

On a related note, I recently bought the most ironic item in the world: a pack of Ed hardy bookmarks. I shit you not. Bookmarks. For books!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Don't take this the wrong way Slava, but I totally thought you were bullshitting me, even after you said, "I shit you not"...until I looked it up. Wow, I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it. Ed Hardy bookmarks, unbelievable!

Your Lil Buddy approves of this article.

Nathan DeGraaf's picture

This was hilarious but one thing... and keep in mind I only bother criticizing what I consider to be talented writers... and also keep in mind I would never buy an ed Hardy T-shirt but here goes:

The funny that comes from mocking short lived fads is also short lived. This was probably worth it but also exclusive and unnecessary. If you want to mock idiots and the best example of their idiocy you can find is a fucking shirt style....

well, you fill in that blank

Andrei Trostel's picture

If you want to mock idiots and the best example of their idiocy you can find is a fucking shirt style....

...well then go ahead and mock indiscriminately, because I carpet bomb PIC with drunk one line posts or exclusive and unnecessary articles about how cold it is in Florida.

What? You said fill in that blank Nate.

;-P

Yaro Shepherd's picture

If you want to mock idiots and the best example of their idiocy you can find is a fucking shirt style ... then go ahead and do it, this is a comedy website not the Huffington-fucking-Post.

sweetie, the ed hardy tee really isn't the whole picture. he is criticizing the type of people who always wear ed hardy tees and act like such a** holes.
if you're going to have such a lack of self-respect and act so ridiculously, you deserve to be criticized.

Nate has become a bitter old man. No real surprise, but a shame nonetheless. Well done, Slava.

Don't give up on Nate. Just wait. He'll be the best again once he breaks up with his girlfriend.

Gavin Pitt's picture

Funny article as usual Slava. These shirts would get you automatically locked up over here in Perth (we have a Biker gang problem).

I of course, am immune to this fad, as I wear pretty much nothing but horror movie tee shirts, or the occasional Simpsons one *g*

Yaro Shepherd's picture

Dammit Gavin, you HAVE to buy this shirt. It has everything you could wish for:

Flamboyant jewels
Skulls AND daggers
An undeserved sense of accomplishment

You'll be beating off dick with a stick!

Frenchie's picture

Why can't everyone just get along??? I miss the old days when Rebello would rip on E. Mike, Gaudio would try to take Rebello down a notch, and Opp and DeGraaf would interject with random baseball references while Court sat on the sidelines keeping score.

Back then everything was taken in stride.. I've been frequenting this site on and off for years so for the love of PIC can't we all just get along??

Yaro Shepherd's picture

I'm so conflicted.
When I received this reply I though that I should post a funny rebuttal waiting where I threaten you with physical violence (haha..?).
Now I see from your picture that you appear to be female which eases my temper and makes me want to hit on you.
However you also appear to like oversized sunglasses ... which are white. That's like 2 douche points right there.
So now I don't know whether to upset, angry, turned on or hungry.
I'm going to go with hungry.

Frenchie's picture

Definitely don't be upset.. I meant no harm... and as for the sunglasses, they were borrowed. I forgot mine at home and spent the day drinking at the street festival for Canada Day so wanted some protective eye gear and was drunk enough not to care what they looked like.. that's what $5.00 gets you!

Enjoy the new pic!

X

Andrei Trostel's picture

Frenchie,
Wait, you want us to get along, instead of ripping on each other, but you want the old days when everyone ripped on each other? Last time I checked, all we do is rip on each other around here, whether it is in the comment sections or actually in the articles themselves. I don't think any of the writers really take any of the other writers that seriously. I know I don't and I am certainly not being serious 99% of the time. In fact I was just ripping on Nate for his comment on Slava. For the love of PIC, Frenchie, can't we just make some sense here? Maybe you just don't see that we aren't serious...I blame the glasses.

http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/giant-sunglasses-do-not-make-you-ce...

;-P

I was searching around the internet, laughing at stuff like your talking about, then found this article. I LOVE IT LOL its nice to see that not everyone is falling in this odd interest of ed hardy, tattoos, bad tans,steroided look. I just dont get it, why is that popular to people. Guess its a mtv fad thing. Im 27, and by no means will ever get near such a unclassy look. Keep up the good work, loved the article, found it so bang on the sterotype, hilarious!! I hope all the douchebags read this and get the point that they arent cool!!

Wow, that's super cool.