Back in early 2007 America was a more peaceful place, untouched by the 2008 recession or the Kardashian plague. Ahhh, the simpler days when our only competitors were the whitebread picket-fencers known as the Joneses. Read More »

The Texas-sized mass of garbage slowly approaching California does indeed house over 8,000 refugees in the newly discovered central "city" amid the muck. The origin of the residents of Trashville is unknown at this point, but satellite imaging seems to indicate the Philippines (although—inextricably—there are also many North Koreans mingled with them). Read More »

Kevin's Caesar Salad

The classic Caesar served up Kevin style, with your choice of grilled chicken or grilled shrimp. Combine both options for free on Earth Day, or half price no meat on Easter Sunday!

Kev-In Da House Salad Read More »

Don went to take an HIV test. The clinic was offering an entire STD special for a few dollars more, so he upgraded to the premium package. He went through the necessary procedures and was told to come back in a week. Read More »

Mornings for the past few weeks have brought with them a consistent frustration.  In the battleground that has become my front yard, a relentless hole-digging monster works diligently under the cover of darkness to make me look foolish.  The thing happens to be well on its way to China, and to my dismay, shoveling the dirt back into place only proves to further motivate the beast.  Read More »

You might remember him as the coach of the greatest peewee hockey team ever: The Mighty Ducks. However, after much research into the "Mighty Duck Man" himself, I've decided he is nothing more than a mighty douchebag. Here are 10 reasons why. Read More »

To call me a "racing fan" might not adequately describe my affliction. As the son and grandson of stock car drivers, it would be fair to say that the sport is in my blood. I have seen the sweat, time, and gobs of money that are sacrificed to put a car on the track. Likewise, I hold an appreciation for sponsorship as well as the inherent value (i.e. Read More »

During my recent search for supplemental income, I turned to Craigslist—the most trusted, reliable source of employment opportunities available today, according to Fortune and Harvard Business Review. Read More »

There's been enough salacious commentary by sports journalists, newscasters, and TMZ on the Tiger debacle to last a decade. The scandal even made the incredibly competitive list of top-celebrity-crises-people-actually-give-a-shit-about in the year 2009, falling somewhere in between Michael Jackson's death and Kanye's hijacking of Taylor Swift's moment of glory. Read More »

This is my poem for you.

You left me.

I loved you.

I loved you as the wind blows in the trees and as a duck floats on a pond. Our love was real. Our love was true. Our love was like a cat that had ample milk to drink in a bowl of purity.

Then there was her. Read More »

Hey, buddy, it's me, your liver. I need to talk to you about last night.

What the hell were you thinking? 20 shots of whiskey? That would kill a normal man. But luckily you're not a normal man. You're an idiot. But it's okay. You were chasing the shots with Red Bull and vodka. So not only were you hammered off your ass, you were really energetic. That definitely came in handy when you had to run away from that homeless man you pissed on. Moron. Read More »

In 2003 Madonna kissed Britney.

In 2004 Justin Timberlake exposed our innocent minds to Janet Jackson's pierced right nipple.

In 2005 some rapper dissed another rapper, but that was so lame it barely made the news. Even I know rappers don't make the news unless they get shot.
Read More »

A few days ago I saw a sign advertising a 49-cent breakfast biscuit special at a local fast food slop hole, a deal which for a lot of us is too good to pass up. At face value, it seemed like a pretty good deal. That is until you start adding up what it really was going to cost you. Read More »

Dear Fred,

I'm sure by now you have realized I'm gone. It's not that I didn't love you. I did. We had some really great times in the early days. Do you remember the night we spent at the Bedrock Library? Remember they had to throw out all those books? Read More »

Now that my generation is coming of age and starting to produce offspring, I am noticing a disturbing trend: I click on my "Friend Suggestions" on Facebook and I see an array of mushy, round heads with huge, glossy eyes. The last names are always familiar, but I know I didn't go to college with these people because the people in question are fucking babies. Read More »