You’ve really done it this time.

Your dentist just spent the last fifteen minutes going on and on about teeth: “Tooth enamel is the hardest substance in the human body,” “One third of the tooth is located underneath the gums,” “I recently ground up all my baby teeth, which I have saved for forty years, and snorted them because I believed it would make me a better dentist,” etc.

But when he asked you, “So what are your thoughts on teeth?” you replied, like a total idiot, “Teeth are just okay, I guess.”

And now your dentist is crying in the corner of the room and refusing to finish fixing those busted-up, tic-tac-lookin’ mother effers that you call teeth.

Luckily, the situation is not completely unsalvageable if you follow these suggestions.


Tell Your Dentist That When He Said “Teeth,” You Thought He Said The Adjustment Bureau, the 2011 Matt Damon Film

Every day, more and more television shows and movies are released. It’s impossible to keep track of them all. So it shouldn't be that big of a leap to explain to your dentist that when he said, “teeth,” you got confused and thought he was referring to the film that Roger Ebert called, “a smart and good movie that could have been a great one, if it had been a little more daring.” Then say something to the extent of, “but you said TEETH? Those things are sick as hell! I love how they are good for not just grinding food, but tearing food as well.” This will put your dentist in a good enough mood to get back to work.


Threaten to Break All the Dentist’s Equipment Unless He Gets Back to Work

Dentists love their tools. The scraping one, the mirror one, the floss; to you and I, these are utensils that aid in oral care. But to a dentist, they are toys that provide hours and hours of entertainment. If you take them away from a dentist, you’re taking away a piece of their soul. There’s no way your dentist is going to gamble on losing their prized possessions, no matter how offended they are by your indifference towards incisors, cuspids, molars, and every other kind of tooth.


Fix Your Teeth Your Own Damn Self

Right off the bat, you will need a bachelor’s degree, so knock that out real quick first. Next, you’ll need to take the Dental Admission Test. Study hard, because a good score is necessary if you are to be accepted into a dental graduate program. While there, you’ll have to earn your four-year Dental Degree. Finally, once you have that, you’ll be able to obtain your license (the process varies by state). Though this may be a more expensive option up front, in the long-run, you’re going to save a lot of money because you’ll never need to pay a dentist again, so this is probably the smartest way to go


Legally Adopt Your Dentist and Order Him to Finish His Job

If you were to adopt your dentist, you would legally be his mommy/daddy. Therefore, he would legally have to listen to you if you were to order him to finish fixing your messed-up mouth bones. Unfortunately, this isn’t an especially timely option, as the adoption process can range from a few months to a few years.


Take Your Dentist to the Amusement Park He’s Always Talking About

Your dentist is always talking about this amusement park, saying stuff like, “It looks like a real blast. Too bad I have no one to go with,” and then sighing very loudly. Why not make his day and ask him to go with you? Nothing alleviates tensions like waiting in a line when it’s 90 degrees outside so you can go on a ride that lasts a minute and a half. Make sure that your dentist has as much fun as possible. During this time, drop little hints about how much you respect teeth. See cotton candy being sold? Say, “none for me, thanks. I’m trying to protect my teeth. I’ve actually been thinking about it, and I’ve decided they’re not just okay, but pretty damn cool after all.”

But all this will mean nothing unless you are able to ride the biggest rollercoaster and prove that you are really brave. Only then will your dentist respect you enough to finish working on your teeth so that you have a smile that you can be proud of.


You can also try apologizing. Might be worth a shot.

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