Mistresses of Satan, aka Women

Dating is Hell, literally. Here's how it all goes down(hill).

Scary girl with blood on her face

Women. What do you think when you hear this five-letter word? Do you think of the word "wife"? "Girlfriend"? "Poison-filled cobra"? "Demon bitch from hell"? "Lover"? Yes, all of those words are synonymous with the word "woman." A woman is like hydrogen: very complex and composed of many different elements. Sure, she's your sweetheart, but at the same time she'd rip out your heart with her claws and use your aorta as dental floss. She may be as beautiful as a jewel-encrusted diamond, but on the inside, she's as ugly as the elephant man swimming in a big fucking puddle of diarrhea.

From the second we see a woman we're attracted to, we do not look at the woman as a whole, but rather in parts. Parts as in, mainly the ass and breasts. And yes, they do have a thing called a "face." We as men do not say to ourselves, "Oh, she might be a nice person to spend the rest of my life with." Instead we say, "Damn look at that ass on her, I'm going to go approach her." That's how they lure us men into what is a long road of lies, hot sex, drunkenness, backstabbing, and eventually, the theft of our hearts and their incineration. Certain men survive after the final stage, letting the soul of the heart rise again like the mighty mythical phoenix. When we first approach them, they get a glimmer in their eyes, one of beauty. However, deep down, the glimmer of beauty is lit by the souls of the other men she has been so cold-heartedly destroying in her Satan-given task to render the male species extinct.

Everything you do must revolve around this abomination with vaginal walls, otherwise she'll use her superpower: bitching.Our first words to them are but simple words: "Hey what's up?" Or "Yo slut." Consider your fate (and possibly coffin) sealed as soon as you say those words. You might as well try to hug a being composed of molten lava—trust me, it's just as safe. Okay, so you engage in lengthy conversations, bullshitting about such topics as: hobbies, jobs, movies, penis size, fun, etc. Then maybe "you" buy "her" something to eat or drink. When it becomes obvious she has an interest in you, the gates to your heart and soul open for her sinister, despicable, venomous soul to manifest itself. The end is near....

Then the first date happens, or as I call it the beginning of the end. So, you pick up your ravenous, bloody-fanged whore of a date with whatever shitmobile or gaudy, sparkly, scratch-less new whip you got. You get out of your car and walk up to her house, also known as the bottomless flaming pits of Hell. She's inside, waiting for you, thinking, "I can't wait until I drain him both financially and emotionally." And you're outside thinking, "I can't wait until I drill her both orally, vaginally, and anally." Deep down inside, you're both aware of each other's agendas, but that's overshadowed by what goals you both want to achieve in this relationship.

Martini heart
"Umm, yes, she'll have my heart, chilled, dragged through the rocks. And make it extra bloody."
You open the gate to the bottomless flaming pit of hell, and there she is, a succubus with claws, fangs, wings, and fiery hair, and damn she's ready to drag you through every pillar and stone in Hell. You both embrace and surprisingly you do not spontaneously combust from the flames that consume what's left of her soul. Then, you drive off together to the restaurant. Once the two of you arrive, you order linguini and clams and some red wine. Little do you know, as she gnaws down the linguini and clams with her bloodthirsty fangs, the bitch is envisioning that she's dining on your bowels (linguini) and your testicles (the clams). Believe me, the fucking Lilith could eviscerate you with just one tooth and annihilate your balls with one slight chomp.

So, you two continue discussing nonsensical bullshit and all you're thinking to yourself is, "I can't wait for my semen to flood her esophagus and digestive tract." (Or at least that's what I usually think of when I'm on a date.) And she's thinking, "I can't wait to evaporate his soul and the contents of his bank account." After the date, you, being the knight in shining armor, pay the entire bill. Little do you know, she's salivating because now (if she decides to stay with you) you'll officially pay for every fucking thing in future dates. If you have reached this stage, grab the nearest hook sword, dip it in holy water, and use it immediately on the bitch. You poor fucking bastard, you're probably blinded by the fact that women have the supernatural ability to suck the life entirely out of your wallet (rendering it weak and empty) and transfer all of its contents into the cash registers of any store they enter. Yes, that is one of the many evil black magic powers women possess.

The date concludes, and you decide to drive the man-eating dragon home. She manipulates your feelings by saying, "Oh you're so wonderful, I had a great time." This way she'll keep luring you, date after date, until you finally ask her to be your girl, and when that happens, you might as well OD on Tylenol because your life is officially meaningless. From that day forward, everything you do and say must revolve around this abomination with vaginal walls, otherwise she'll use her other superpower: emitting sounds from her vocal cords until your eardrums are cataclysmically destroyed—also known as excessive bitching. No normal man can combat bitching because it's the most indestructible weapon in a woman's arsenal.

If the date's over, she may let you inside her lair, which of course you are more than willing to enter because now you will complete your objective of vaginal invasion. Being the feeling-devoid whore that she is, she'll allow it knowing you're hers, and that she has a slave who will obey her every command, because not listening = no pussy.

Men, once you've reached that step, your soul is officially her property, along with everything you own. Every Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jackson, and Benjamin you work for. Every penny and Sacajawea coin you earn is hers. That is the price to pay. If there is no second date then consider your soul and self-worth still intact and fully functional. However, consider your feelings and self-esteem nuked. (You poor pussy.) Either way, you'll wind up feeling like ass droppings.

But, men rejoice! There are beings out there who have the natural ability to counteract every strategy and magic trick women use. These beings were created and trained by GOD himself to combat the evil and put in checkmate these festering Lilliths. These holy beings are called players (or playaz). A player, with his angelic powers, will use women and fool them into thinking they are loved, that they're the "only one." Nine times out of ten, the player's angelic powers will render the demonic powers of a woman null and void. These players are hailed to men everywhere as heroes, warriors, and golden sages who set right the wrongs that the woman has made.

In conclusion, men cannot survive without women and vice versa. If you want to avoid all the terror, then don't date. On the other hand, just stick with hookers and strippers, there's no emotional involvement there. But oh yeah they take your money too. Just do the whole rape thing, at least you're in control of that, you know?

More from PIC:

Andrei Trostel's picture

The science geek in me spent WAY more time than was necessary trying to figure out if "A woman is like hydrogen: very complex and composed of many different elements" was supposed to be taken facetiously or not.

Mike Lamb's picture

It was my favorite line, so I'm declaring it a joke.

On a side note, looking forward to the troll roast that should be rolling in on this one.

You haven't had a bj in a while, have you?

Matthew Muccie's picture

Hey, anonymous asshole, (or do you prefer nameless nitwit?) just because Andrei is a science geek doesn't mean he isn't ever at the receiving end of a blow job! Oops, was that comment towards me? Let's see the last time I got a blow job was February, which was the month I broke up with my lying bitch of an ex girlfriend. So yes, going a month without a bj is a while for me.

As a well educated, hard working women I take huge offense at this article. I have read some bigoted and sexist things in my time bit this has to take the cake. How DARE you presume when at a restaurant we all eat linguine and wine! For years women have struggled to become equal to men, and to hear lines like that just make me sick. You should be ashamed!

Matthew Muccie's picture

Here comes the troll roasting. First, my assumptions were correct that anonymous asshole has a vagina. Too bad that you are anonymous, otherwise I might attempt to slip you my Sicilian sausage with your dinner of linguine and wine. If you think that particular line is offensive towards women, you should hear the demeaning things I have called my ex-girlfriends during sex (bitch, whore, slut, semen soaking slut, five cent floozy etc.). And instead of anonymously trolling a PIC article, shouldn't you be out protesting women rights outside of fancy restaurants and demanding that all women eating out with their boyfriends, not to "eat linguine and wine", because it is demeaning towards women? By the way, did you mean "eat linguine" and "drink wine", and not "eat linguine and wine?" You can't eat wine, oh trolling twat. So far for you being well educated, huh? Dumb ass.

Jason Fry's picture

Wow. You bring stupidity to an art form. We should donate you to medical research. I am sure science can learn a lot from someone this stupid. If you had two functioning neurons, you would realize that the article was purely for HUMOR purposes. I pray that someone removes your reproductive organs with a rusty spoon so that we can avoid the world being populated with more idiots such as yourself.

Lyle Johnson's picture

I guess I gotta start dating again. I'm way to out of shape too chase girls in parks afterdark. Women are so quick these days dude. But you know what they say, ''It's not rape if a 'No!' turns into an 'Oh!''' Too far?

Matthew Muccie's picture

Well, Lyle instead of chasing women in parks after dark, perhaps you should take some women luring lessons from serial killer Ted Bundy. All you will need is a pair of crutches, a cast on your leg, a briefcase and a crowbar!

Ted Bundy: Excuse me miss, can you help me bring my briefcase to my car. I am terribly injured.

Woman: Why sure! (helps carry the briefcase to the car without questioning how he was lugging around the briefcase before she was around.)

(once they get to the car)


It's that easy! Or pose as a taxi cab driver. Whichever method you prefer.

Yes, it's funny how deeply almost all men hate women. This is the biggest taboo of our society I think. We all hate these beings, which have no moral code and are so quick to judge and shame others. If men weren't forced to deal with them because of this little thingie called 'sex drive', women would be all alone in this world.

Besides, it's not that new to be honest. EVERY religion treats women like subhumans. Men alwayss refused to believe that woman could have a spiritual or moral side to her.

Molly Williams's picture

Secret: We lose all of our evil powers if kept in the kitchen. Except our magical ability to make sandwiches. Also we're kind of slow so it's extremely difficult for us to bitch and make a sandwich at the same time.

Mike Lamb's picture

The world is your kitchen. You go out there and you make the best damn sandwich you can.

Molly Williams's picture

Mike Lamb: Motivational Speaker Extraordinaire

Jason Fry's picture

I concur.

Matthew Muccie's picture

Your comment gave me a great idea for an invention, Molly! An invisible fence for women that keeps them in the kitchen forever. Any attempt to depart the kitchen of your sandwich making duties will result in an electric shock from your collar that will leave you as bald as a cancer patient. This electric fence will keep you in your sandwich spawning sanctuary, and this means less bitching, and that in return means less spousal abuse!

Lyle Johnson's picture

Dude! It's been invented already! Those electric dog collar/house arrest perimeter fence shocky things. That's how I keeps my beeyizzle on check! (People of america, was that the correct ebonic version of ''hold my ho's on pause?''.

Molly Williams's picture

That's a wonderful idea, provided you install a washing machine and dryer in the kitchen. And maybe a treadmill, because bitch better not get fat.

Awww dude, really? I wasn't even the Anon from before anyways. Your reply was intense as fuck! Intense, but not really as witty as I was hoping. You could've done much better than roasting me for my spelling and grammar... not very original! In fact, kinda done to death. For your pent up sexual aggression towards women may I suggest males? I heard gays and bisexuals don't give you those crazy stares when you scoop up your semen from their holes and taste it, just to see if lime really does change the taste...

Matthew Muccie's picture

Lyle- They already invented an electric fence for women? Does it send electric shocks powerful enough to incinerate a bitch's baby maker?

Molly- You seem like the perfect woman, knowing that your place is in the kitchen making sandwiches :) And the only way a bitch of mine would get fat is after I saturate her insides with a semen tsunami! And yes I do have my plane tickets to New Mexico ready, just in case I hear those 2 words every man fears hearing from a woman's mouth: "I'm pregnant!"

Anonymous- Well I'll be damned, I guess all well educated woman like you make dumb grammar mistakes, point out their own shitty spelling (which i never made a comment about once) and troll PIC articles anonymously telling a stranger to eat semen out of other guys holes! I bet all the young diesel dykes in the women's rights movement look up to you as an inspirational lesbi....i mean leader.

Speaking of semen, how about I chug a bottle of hot sauce and eat a bunch of jalapeno peppers and then ejaculate in your mouth? That way you can tell me if my dick is hot like every woman does when they are blessed by the presence of my divine prodigious phallus. Now shut up and go make my sandwich, before I send an electric shock to your fallopian tubes.

Is the solution to these demon whores cash-sucking ways to keep all of your cash in $50 bills? Because nowhere in the list of those esteemed leaders of our country do I see Grant's name.

Matthew Muccie's picture

No, you keep all of your cash in $2 bills and silver dollars.

Gordon Dryfus's picture


This is the greatest article ever written. I wept at the amount of pure truth contained here

Matthew Muccie's picture

Patchacho the peasant, thanks for thee praise for my article. Now bow your head whilst you are in its almighty presence.


Myssiing's picture

Gotta say, I'm a chick, and I found this hilarious. Well done, good sir, well done.

Matthew Muccie's picture

You are welcomed for your words of solid praise.

Jason Fry's picture

This was a laugh riot. I officially offer you my soul as payment.