Platinum Pussy: It's Everywhere You Want to Be!

By contributing writer Madeline Helen

Males are funny little playthings, aren’t they? If you’re that girl who is looking for true love, you will find the most superb liars and the biggest playas in three galaxies. If you are, however, the girl who is so jaded that she shouts “LIAR!” at the cocks she sees in porn, there will be a line outside your door. This can be a positive thing if you happen to have aspirations of making your fortune via your web cam. This can also be a plus if you just happen to be a horny, little bitch, but I digress.

I have actually been both of those girls (not at the same time, I got that under control with medication).

*Cue blurry looking soap opera memory flashback effects*

I once yearned for my Prince Charming and all the romance of candlelight, roses, and poetry written in my honor and recited while gazing, lovingly, into my eyes. I found, instead, hot wax, dirty sheets, and drunken renditions of “Back That Ass Up.” Ever the optimist, I tried again… and again… and afuckinggain… and one more goddamned time… and THIS BETTER BE IT OR I SWEAR TO JESUS, MARY, AND MOSES I WILL CUT HIS DICK OFF AND MAKE A PENIS SMOOTHIE THAT I FORCE DOWN HIS LYING, CHEATING THROAT! Much heartbreak, a lot of monetary damages, and several restraining orders later, I learned a more mature, albeit slutty, approach to relationships.

Sure you let them run train on your caboose, but look who's riding high on the American Sexpress.

Once you learn that pussy equals gold in the male mind, you have the upper hand. Men will do anything to get to it. They will tell you anything. They will do anything for you. They will pretend to like everything you like. Most importantly, they will spend a lot of cash, all in the pursuit of the almighty love canal. Use this wisely, and you come out a very well-coiffed, manicured, babe who turns down more dates than a ten-dollar crack whore in downtown Detroit!

If you’re reading this thinking, “That’s how I wanna roll!” I’m here to help you get there. The secret is in five sexual skills. Master these and the world’s your oyster, babe. Learn to love them, and you can pay someone to eat that oyster for you
while you’re out spending her boyfriend’s money!

Skill #1: BLOWJOBS

It is not enough that you go down, you must do it better than the rest. Gag reflexes can be controlled, and if you lose it once in a while, just keep going and tell him how gargantuan his dick is. Swallowing is not a service, it is a requirement. In case of spillage, lick it up while looking into his eyes and moaning like you’re getting a full-body massage from his hot brother. Lastly, suck that cock like it is the last piece of chocolate on planet PMS.

Skill #2: PUSSY

This is your product, learn to love it. Play with it in front of him, preferably while watching lesbian porn. Speaking of lesbians, learn to like the taste of pussy too, because there is nothing hotter than you licking another woman’s clit. This doubles as a lesson in how do it right, and, if you’re lucky, hemight even get it right next time.

Skill #3: ANAL

I don’t care what you read in the Kama Sutra, if you have the “exit only” mentality, you aren’t going to score the goods. Standing on your head and fixing him a snack while he pounds you might be a cool halftime trick, but sooner or later, he’s going to want a little backdoor action. On the bright side, if he has a teeny weenie, you’ll hardly notice anyway.

Skill #4: DEVIANCE

I’m not talking about Pulp Fiction-type deviance, even I have boundaries. I’m talking about dressing up, handcuffing him to the bed (NEVER the other way around—I read Gerald’s Game!), pulling out the ole camera, and calling him Thor if that what gets him off. I know some of you are a little camera shy, but think of it as good publicity. Once he’s maxed out the plastic and borrowed all he can from Daddy, Uncle Jim and Grandma, you’ll already have his roommate lined up.


Okay, in all fairness this could fall into #2 and #4, but it is so important that I believe it deserves its own special place on the list o’ sexual skills. Dicks get hard just hearing a woman say the word threesome. Actually, they get hard when they say it, and when their buddies say it too, but they’ll never admit this. Any gal can agree to a threesome and rock his world—you need to INITIATE the multiple action to really grab his attention. Besides, the sooner he passes out, exhausted, the sooner you can go shopping. Have you seen those cute new boots at the mall?

Cut up the gold card, honey… you’ve got PLATINUM!!

More from PIC:

If you weren't forty, I'd marry your ass in a heartbeat.

Goddamn, what's with all the cougars on PIC???

i didn't think i could lose respect for both this site (which i love) or women in general (as i am one) in one single post. but you have done it.

congratulations. you should be proud

oh annonymous: offended just b/c a girl said something as nasty as the things the male writers on this site say, like, every day? I'm sure she doesn't feel degraded, or whatever.

Good article, good laugh

Agreed Nick, so Michelle what's the lube situation? Nice and smooth or like pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

There you have it gentlemen, more proof that women are money grubbing whores who should only be treated as play things. No woman is worth a penny, there is way too much free sex out there. In the words of a very funny(if not crazy) man, the markets have been flooded with pussy. So why spend all your hard earned money on it?

I don't know how I feel about the whole shopping/money thing but other than that... it's all true. It's refreshing you're not afraid to write such dirty things, I admire you. Way to go!

Brilliant in-your-face satire, if not completely true.

In the immortal words of Stewies Grifin, "So, is there any tread left on the tires or is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?"

I'm sorry, Nick, my ass is spoken for....<a href="">rawr.</a>

Why are lesbians so angry? Anonymous, your thoughts?

Justin, money makes me wet, so for you, it's a Velvetta night.

Eric, I am treadless--that's why I take it in the ass.

Jeff, I'd say something to you, but you didn't get it the first time...odds of you buying a vowel now are pretty slim, my friend.

Note to self: Fuck Meg, Karin AND Court.

Thanks for reading!

i didn't think i could lose respect for both this site (which i love) or women in general (as i am one) in one single post. but you have done it.

congratulations. you should be proud

Obviously, you need some hard anal. A donkey punch maybe?


Okay, but seriously, a "sexually liberated woman" is just a nice phrase for a slut.

I'd like to end this post with this:

Post feminism is bullshit, but I'll agree if I get to see some titties!!!!!!!!!!!111


Great article. Maybe some people should remove the broomstick up their ass and enjoy the comedy. Velveta night? Wow. Sorry Justin.

too bad to see that most women are truly sluts out for hard cash , and will give hard dick tight( or not so tight) gash for cash. that STILL leaves a lot of good women out there and thank god for the better ones.

can I eat your pussy



Man i ain got no money so that sex's bad tho..seriously..ONE MAN U CAN'T DO THAT TO!!!......A GAY ONE ROFL..

N.B...Really can't complain with that some women can only make money like tht..and if is so...get thru.