There comes a time in every college kid’s life—HAHA, I said “come.” Sorry, I’ll start over. There comes a time in every college kid’s life when he needs to masturbate and his roommate will just not leave the room. It’s like he’s frozen there. Seconds seem to be minutes. Minutes seem like hours. Get a clock or something. Then your concept of time won’t be so messed up.

Most people can usually find a time to masturbate throughout the day—for example, when your roommate leaves for class, to go eat, or for a quick piss. But you are different. You masturbate with the best of ‘em (yourself…and Bang Bros trailers). You need to masturbate at least every day or you’ll explode, your guts and stored-up cum bursting into the air out of your broken body.

1. The Old “My Grandma Died So I Have To Masturbate” Lie

Start obviously fake crying after pretending to receive a call by holding a closed flip phone up to your ear. When your roommate says, “What are you doing?” or whatever, say, “My grandma just died. Is it cool if I masturbate?” When he asks why, say, “Well, I’ll be going home for the next four days and it will be rude if I masturbate there during this difficult time. Plus, I’ll be busy with the funeral and shit.”

When he says, “Okay,” masturbate like the people of Darfur’s lives depend on it (they kind of do, actually). Just really have a blast here. Do something different during this masturbation session than you normally would. Explore your body and the objects in your room.

Continue on with your life as normal until your roommate says, “Why haven’t you gone home for the funeral yet?” Then say, “Oh good news buddy! My grandma came out of that coma!” Then when he says, “You said your grandma died, not that she was in a coma,” fucking leave. Run.

2. Party Boy, Extended Edition

Go up to your roommate, and as a joke, start doing the Party Boy to him. Then, don’t stop. Keep staring at him directly straight in the eyes. Pretend you are Chris Pontius. But don’t smile. This is serious; your masturbation, the releaseture of the hounds, is on the line. Keep humping him until an unidentified white liquid comes out of your penis. For someone like me, the process would take upwards of fifteen minutes, but for someone like you it could take as little as five minutes. The humping may be awkward, but if you can’t get it up while humping another guy, you can’t get it up for anything.

Clean up and pretend like nothing happened. Avoid eye contact and conversation for three days after the fact. Then bounce back and be in a ridiculously good and generous mood so that no questions are asked. Resume eye contact and maintain light conversation.

3. The “This is Nothing Out of the Ordinary” Approach

This approach takes a lot of time, and you have to start from the very outset of your relationship with your roommate. When you meet him for the first time on the first night of the new school year and he reaches out to shake your hand, grab his hand on the outside and bring it to your midsection, slowly sliding his hands down your pants, brushing through the brushy pubes. Then, when it’s about to reach the bottom of your penis, say “just kidding” and give him his hand back.

Unpack a few boxes.

Start taking off your clothes, slowly, article by article, making sure that you are making a lot of noise and staring at your roommate EVERY SINGLE TIME he looks over.

Never put clothes on again after this point. You will now be living the life of a nudist.

Encourage openness. Encourage him to take his clothes off and do the same, even if he repeatedly refuses, every day. He will eventually realize it is The Way.

Masturbate like it ain’t no thing. Do it like it’s any other task. After all, is there really that big a’ difference between working on math homework and masturbating furiously, just really going to town on your genitalia while another person watches in horror and you say, “This is what you could be doing right now – totally cool with it, brah.”

4. The Diversion Trick

Keep yelling, “Look out the window! A freak car accident with a monkey eating a panda’s guts while the panda looks up and smiles, then looks away, then looks back up at the monkey but isn’t smiling this time!” as many times as necessary. Anything to keep him from looking at you. Say, “Your hot mom is jacking off your hot-ass dad.” Anything. Nothing is off-limits except you not getting to masturbate. And that’s not going to happen. This is your one and only thought and goal for the day. That sperm is a disease and you need to get it out of you.

5. The Silent Treatment

Pretend you’re in the world’s quietest library. Pretend this library also takes place during Saddam’s evilest years of his reign, and if you make a sound, you will be put to death in a brutal, unimaginable new way of murdering.

If you do not make a sound, your roommate will not know you’re masturbating unless he’s staring directly at you, and then he’d be gay for watching another dude masturbate so that’s his problem, right? Therefore, not only your life but your climax depends on you being fucking quiet. The only acceptable sound is if you let out a little girly moan during climax, and short bouts of crying after, but THAT’S IT.

6. Cover It Up (Not Your Dick)

Cover up the noise of your shaft-stroking by repeated horrific screams. When your roommate asks what you’re screaming about, tell him he does not need to worry about it since you are screaming because everything is perfectly normal right now and this is you at homeostasis. Then say, “Did I just say HOMOstasis? Haha, fags are so gay.” He should not say anything after that.

Continue to “The Masturbation Manual” »
Continue to “How Not to Feel Guilty about Masturbating” »

MORE ON PIC