• You always get the guac
  • You have all the flip phones you could ever dream of
  • You call out sick for any flu, not just the stomach flu
  • You only work your second, third and fourth jobs when you’re bored
  • You have a stepchild named “Denfer”
  • You always sort from “Most —> Least” expensive when online shopping
  • You pay for a fountain drink instead of asking for a free water cup and filling it with Diet Sierra Mist when no one’s looking
  • When Denfer’s away at boarding school you only Airbnb his room during leaf-peeping season and NEVER when he’s home
  • You donate a respectable enough amount to crowdfunding campaigns that you don’t need to list yourself as anonymous
  • You buy horse monocles in bulk
  • You go see a doctor even if nothing is bleeding, and you never cry after receiving an invoice for lab work
  • You pay for Denfer’s Ivy League golf college in cold hard golf cash as you would never handicap him with golf debt
  • When your heat goes out, you cuddle with your butler for warmth
  • You think the kitchens in Nancy Meyers movies are fine, for a beach house
  • When Denfer marries a non-rich, you don’t think twice about letting her share your HBO GO password even though she claims to have her own
  • You change your underwear daily
We're now accepting list submissions! Although we're contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.