Okay, so let’s start with the facts:

  • Yes, there is a 600 foot tall, fire-breathing chicken currently terrorizing downtown Seattle
  • Yes, this chicken was created, grown, and weaponized deep in our underground labs
  • Yes, the cluster of green fluorescent eggs laid in Puget Sound will likely result in dozens more fire-breathing chickens

And sure, yeah, maybe we accidentally left the enormous titanium blast doors open overnight. Whatever. Mistakes happen. We get that you’re all angry. But we the scientists would like to point out that at least some of the blame for this is on you—the mob of terrified civilians currently running around and screaming in the street, desperately clamoring for help.

Consider this:

Is it our fault that an unnamed fast-food empire that we will refer to as “Sandwich Monarch” offered us an unholy amount of money to develop a way to produce more chicken sandwiches for an otherwise impossibly cheap cost? No! It’s you little people who are the chicken sandwich eaters! We scientists have been eating nothing but caviar and bonbons for the past three months, given that we have all these heaps of dirty corporate money to blow!

Are we to blame for the fact that when “Sandwich Monarch” demanded that the project be shut down (after their CFO was devoured by our test chicken during a routine inspection of our facility) we instead gave the chicken the ability to breath fire and attempted to sell her to rogue nation states all across Southeast Asia? That is simply the culture of the scientific community! If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen! (Also if you can’t stand the actual heat be advised to evacuate Seattle immediately.)

Ask yourself: When this towering monstrosity of feathers and death burst forth from beneath Volunteer Park and started wantonly destroying everything in its path, what did you do? You ran around like ants getting stomped on and burned up and whatnot. That’s what you did. Real helpful. Meanwhile we, the brave scientists, were busy frantically calling the military to deploy the Giant Fire-Breathing Chicken-Killing Ray Gun WHICH WE ALSO INVENTED BY THE WAY.

And is it our fault the Giant Fire-Breathing Chicken-Killing Ray Gun didn’t actually work at all, and in fact only made the giant chicken more powerful and angrier than ever before? We prefer not to think of it that way (even though we are positive that you will.)

Honestly, for all your whining, and complaining, and screaming in the streets while you scramble through the conflagrations of ashes that used to be your homes, you could at least accept that none of this would have happened if any one of you had reminded us to create an antidote for the poultry-gigantism serum we created. Or are we scientists supposed to think of everything?

Well, worry not. Even though you are the least grateful mass of terrified humanity we have ever seen in our lives, and even though you never even thanked us for trying to make your chicken sandwiches relatively less expensive, and even though this whole mess is about 90% your fault now that we think about it, we scientists will find a way to fix this too—from the safety of our remote facilities in Guam.

We’ll be right on it just as soon as our private escape helicopters arrive. Also no, there is no room for you on our escape helicopters. Get your own escape helicopters. In the meantime, good luck with the colossal glowing eggs (which we understand have begun to emit a high pitched mind-shattering squeal.) You guys tackle that one.

Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.