11 Awesome Things About Being a Bouncer

Bouncer at a club

Sometimes you just feel the need to punch somebody. And if you follow that impulse, there's a job that let's you live your fantasy. But boxing involves a lot of training, dieting and overall effort. Skip all that; grab a clipboard and become a bouncer.

Besides punching people, here are some of the benefits of standing at the door:

1. Condoned Violence

Fights break out a lot less than you'd think, but when they do, the adrenaline rush is usually worth the wait. Sure it can be scary, bloody and dangerous. But I wasn't getting paid for my good looks. Bars paid me a lot of money to do a job and solve problems. And, yes, violence does solve everything. You just have to use enough of it.

2. Chicks Love You

Bouncer with two chicks
One thing's for sure: it's not the beard.
I'll tell you what, kc the bouncer pulled a lot more tail than Casey Freeman, associate editor for a semi-respected magazine. Women aren't attracted to NFL players, military dudes and ninjas because of their stunning personalities, alligator polos and 401K plans. It's the danger. The bad boy. The ne'er-do-well who knows how to take a punch and kick an ass.

3. Booze on the Job

First off, let me say that drinking at work is very irresponsible. But, if I wanted to be responsible I'd wear a tie and show up to the office at 8 a.m., not stroll into work at 9 p.m. wearing a t-shirt and my roommate's pants. Most bars attempt to enforce no alcohol policies, but honestly it's like your neighbor who leaves a plate of candy on their doorstep on Halloween. Nobody listens. Drinking while on the clock is beautiful. It made me impervious to pain, weather and boredom. My old boss is a blubbering ninny while sober, but after a few beers, 10 shots of Wild Turkey and a pick-me-up Red Bull vodka he transformed into a completely competent employee—even though he slurs and likes to head butt people.

4. Down-Low Dough

Walt Whitman protested the Civil War by writing "Leaves of Grass." I protested everything by getting paid under the table. This works extra-awesome if you're getting unemployment benefits too.

5. Envious Cops

The thing about the police is that they hate drunks, assholes and people in general—probably more than the rest of the population does. Some law enforcement officials enjoy living vicariously through bouncers, because your average meathead doesn't need any sensitivity training, just how to make shitbags feel pain. Besides not getting a gun, a badge or a nightstick, being a bouncer is all of the cool shit about being a cop without all the paperwork.

6. Other Bouncers

For every few knuckle-dragging monkeybrains working the front door there is one Patrick Swayze-esque dude from Road House. Sure he beats the shit out of people for fun and money, but that's just until he's finished his philosophy thesis. Most of these dudes can either beat your ass or make you laugh your ass off. You get to decide.

7. Cool Nicknames

Any time you put a group of guys filled with alcohol and testosterone together, you end up with hazing, secret handshakes and other awesome stuff like nicknames. Every frat, sports team or club worth its salt has them. In my days as a doorman I was KZ (Indians can't pronounce my name), The Demon, Straps, Fruity Pop, New Guy, Dumbass, Retard and so on. I also know a Bones, Thunder, Nibbles, Golddust, Gump, Vicious, Malicious, Nutritious and Fergilicious. (I'm Delicious.)

8. After Parties

When you're a banker, your friends are other bankers, geeks and dorks. But when you bounce, your friends are bartenders, hot-assed waitresses, strippers, drunks, party promoters and stupid drunk chicks. You always know cool stuff for after work.

9. Ridiculing Patrons

Most people deserve a punch in the face, or at least to be the butt of a punchline. Being a door guy means you can rip on every dipstick who walks into your establishment. If a guy is overweight, call him "Tubby." You can make fun a woman's height, clothes, perfume, skankiness, etc. The sky is the limit. Downsizing a man's ego after you kick him out of your bar is also pretty awesome.

10. Limitless Authority

If you make a wrong move, bouncers get to expand their authority as much as they want. Hell, I've thrown out my own bar's owner before. Many bouncers are thumbsucking losers, but so are you. Bouncers hear the same jokes every night: "This is a fake ID. Haha." "Throw my friend out, he's drunk." "How many years of college did you go to for this job?" A lot of people get off on power trips, but a lot more get on your nerves. When I didn't like somebody, I made sure he knew it by letting him wait as long as I felt (or by punching him as hard as I could). A group of gum-snapping skanks can go right to the end of the line. See if I care. If you want to complain, I'm in charge. You want to come in, deal with me.

11. Movies on Mondays

Step into a bar on a Wednesday night, that's when the real drinkers are out. Fridays and Saturdays are for bridge and tunnel trash. Plus, movies are less crowded. I liked that.

Here are some of the crappier things about door life:

  • Hot Chicks with Douchebags - One of the hardest things about the job is watching a spiky-collared, popped-haired rich kid leave with a totally hot skank. It's depressing. I mean, ideally and logically, every hot skank would line up at your door and only bang you. Am I right?

  • Losing Fights - Beating the crap out of somebody is awesome. But getting your own ass kicked sucks. I've been stomped for so long, if I wasn't covering my face, I'd be checking my watch. Even when you win, you sometimes lose. Dental work is expensive.

  • Getting Old - My knee "Old Clicky" will never be the same. My hands are arthritic from standing in the cold, punching people, cracking knuckles and washing glasses.

  • Crappy Schedule - Got a hot date? You better hope she wants to visit you at the bar. Now you're working weekends. Every weekend and holiday.

  • Being Stupid - I'm not stupid, but I'm sure it sucks.

  • No Job Security - Most bar managers and owners are drunks. They don't mind firing you at the drop of a hat. Or letting their bars fold.

  • Hate - Hate tastes just like blood, Redman and gunpowder. You have to swallow it while watching the scum of the earth enter your bar. Working with drunks makes you really jaded. I managed to avoid it though. Can't you tell?

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what about not having to shower. you can smell the 50 year old biker bouncer a mile away and from what i can tell no one messes with him because its hard to complain, bitch or fight when you can't breath.

tdhurst's picture

Plus all the blowjobs you get from the under 21 hotties who want to be let in with their sister's IDs.

DON'T SAY IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

ahhh the good old days... yes it does happen

Other things that are cool you forgot are getting free/cheap drinks at all the other bars in town, and yes copping feels on chicks who are not yet "of age." Crappy things you forgot are people pooping in alleys when you are trying to take out the trash, then realizing that you totally let that guy in the bar like 20 minutes ago. Pushing people down who are on crutches is just icing on the cake (that is so KC knows who this is). Kisses.

Court Sullivan's picture

Uh oh, BUSTED. (score one for the pun)

tdhurst's picture

So you're okay with people who shit in alleys but not okay with dudes on crutches?
Stay classy kc...stay classy.

Speaking of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, ever read that?

To be fair to KC,
I was the one who was not cool with people on crutches, my only regret is that the pile of human feces was no longer in the alley when the crutches guy was mouthing off. He would have definitely found himself in said pile.

Casey Freeman's picture

I remember the guy taking a dump (my first night on the job!), but I don't remember a guy on crutches. I remember rolling a kid when I was on crutches. I just got to the stairs and called for somebody else. It was kind of funny.

Joe, there was supposed to be a hotchickswithdouchebags.com link in the story. I try not to read it because it depresses me. It's funny though.

Thanks!

Can I say you are a complete imbecile? I would say that sums it up. Alot of you douchebag bouncers are scum like yourself. I am ex-military and am currently a bouncer at a local bar while going back to school. I also happen to be a gentleman. If this is indeed satire, bravo. If not, you are one sick son of a bitch.

Casey Freeman's picture

Anony,

Granted, you probably stumbled upon this site while looking for spandex tights for your nights as a go-go dancer in FancyTown and will never return to this site because your mom still pays for your internet, but yes, from time to time I was a douchebag bouncer. Or I could be a gentlemanly doorman. It depends on the patron. If you don't feel that way, you're working in pussy bars or haven't manned the door long enough. But yes, I'm a sick son of a bitch, scum and a douchebag but not an imbecile. Even if you didn't find this satire in column form funny -- look to your upper left: Points In Case: College Humor, Funny Quotes, Comedy Articles.

tdhurst's picture

Hey Anonymous-

Totally respect your military service. Wanted to get that out of the way.

You're also an idiot. You been reading the site long? You know how big kc really is?

Next time you insult someone, have the moxie to not hide behind an anonymous profile on the internet.

"You know how big KC really is?"

Omigod.....did you really just say that?

Wow. I always knew that Americans were, for the most part, the mentally deficient by-product of a sociological experiment that went horribly wrong; and that 'college' guys were pretty much the inanest of the inane.....but seriously....you guys really have plumbed new depths of ineptitude.

Sure, your man KC does have a natural, inherent talent for being able to string together a sentence or two in a slightly less disappointing fashion that some of his equally inbred counterparts; but he's still a total fucking idiot. His abjectly predictable, tired, trite and über-clichéd rhetoric - aimed at those tedious, stereotypical, unfunny, frat-twats who like anything that glorifies tragic behaviour and playground-esque mentality - reeks of the inner smart alec and merely substantiates my already incredibly low opinion of all y'all over there on that side of the pond.

Thank fuck for the Atlantic ocean is all I can say. Cause if we were any closer to your savant masses, I swear I'd take up arms myself..... that is, if we too had stupidly lax gun laws that allow anyone with a pulse to go all Columbine/Koresh whenever we were having an off day.... but then, we're not that stupid.

No wonder you were a fucking doorman.

Dear Rebecca,

I'm so glad that you could grace our inferior people with your infinitely superior presence. Your astounding use of multisyllable words and complex sentence structure has completely confounded our feeble minds. Clearly, you have received a better education than us inbreds thereby resulting in your greater appreciation for a higher level of humor and your lack of appreciation for that of the plebian class.

When you find the time in your, I'm assuming, very busy, important schedule, I hope you will consider learning a difficult technique delicately described as the removal of a long, most often cylindrical, rod intimately interacting with an orifice located in your posterior. (For the record, Americans too, can find an appreciation for big words, although we usually choose not to use them in colloquial speech.)

Now for the time being, my advice to you is a) if you don't like college humor, don't read it and b) take your nose out of the air and find an appreciation for life. The simple things, as well as the complex, are funny. Also remember, when it comes to humor, simple and complex are not clearly defined.

I mean this in all sincerest honesty good luck with life; laughing often and at a variety of things (stupid or not) makes it more enjoyable.

Sincerely,
Nataline Meinhardt

tdhurst's picture

Natalie- I want to marry you and have you bear my children. I would worship you like the goddess you are.

Rebecca- (this space intentionally left blank)

Casey Freeman's picture

Now lay off Rebecca everybody. She's probably just mad David Beckham left the UK for the US. Or because the Brits aren't as recognized in monster truck racing, reality TV and professional wrestling. Or that I was born in the lower middle class and actually had to work menial jobs to put myself through school and life. But thanks to one and all for reading, commenting, hating or supporting my stuff. You're all the best!

set of wankers !

I like to hand out pain to those who insist. I've been a bouncer for a long time and beating someone's ass is almost as rewarding as the shit paycheck!!!!!!

When i was in college, one of my favorite bars had this biggest, meanest, most vicious looking bouncer i had ever seen. He used to intimidate the shit out of us (bankers, geeks and dorks): we'd save the cigarette butts and throw them in the trash can, instead of just throwing them on the ground like we normally have done, we'd choose our words very carefully around him, and when we are completely smashed, a cold-as-fuck stare from him would pretty much sober us up. That man was a monster, he probably could have kicked kimble slice's ass any given night. One night, i was hanging out with a couple of my slightly geekier friends, and the topic somehow settled on World of Warcraft, the bouncer suddenly screamed like a little girl "OMG, I PLAY WOW TOO, WHAT SERVER DO YOU GUYS PLAY ON???!?" Later on, we learned that not only he was an dedicated raider, but also a table top D&D enthusiast...

Moral of the story is.

Hahaha!!! Sounds like a right lad.. :D

Hahaha. This is an amazing article, and it pretty much covers every point my friends and I were talking about the perks of being a bouncer. I definitely need to show them this one.

Anon's story about the WoW playing bouncer was just as funny. I got a kick out of that one.

KC,

Just wanted to say props to on this article...Worked for about a summer (those who work in a bar know that 4 months as a bouncer is more than enough time to fuck up and lose your job) I on the other hand was not the biggest or baddest bouncer out there (5 10, 165 on a heavy day, but had/still have the balls of a matador to compensate) Thought it would be funny to include the perks I enjoyed:

No paperwork= they had no idea I was 18 at the time....booze was great...proof once more that Uncle Sam is just another Uncle who gets drunk and looks the other way.

Drunkanese= the secret language that is so secret only people who can learn it are those working all night amidst a sea of fluent drunken inbreds...people are indeed bilingual in nature, they just have no fucking clue that they speak it

and my last point of the day

Fuck that Rebecca bitch :)

Natalie you seems to be a fine young sophistacted woman, you go girl.

There seems to be several myths involving the life of a "bouncer". I have lived life as a knucklehead bouncer for 19 years across several states and state laws. We (the bouncers) do not eat babies,kick strollers, punch old ladies.. You're OK with US when someone grabs your ass, steals your purse, takes your drink, wont leave you alone.. Think about this before you run your Fucking mouth about "bouncers" only care about beating people up.... It wouldn't take too much for any of us to fuck someone up but we do this job for respect and to protect YOU...and maybe get a little pussy....I'm just being honest

Casey Freeman's picture

Too true Big Jay. Most of the bouncing life is the most Godawfully boring snoozefest in history. Then there's that really interesting five minutes...

You guys are all fucking idiots. I'll probably never come to this link again, but I know you morons will respond to this.

Oh Casey, allow me... Dear Mr. anonymous, I am not sure what level of education (if any) you may have achieved in your short ignorant life on this planet but I can only speak for myself. Associates & Bachelor's Degree from Devry in Computer Aided Drafting with continued education at Arizona State University B.S. in Architecture.. All this after my tours in Desert Shield/Storm in the USMC... We are not all Neanderthals looking to bash someone.. This job is not for the faint of heart, we do this because at that critical moment we have to work magic to break up a brawl of 20 guys or stop a guy who wants to introduce you to his beer bottle... with that all aside, the market is flooded with "Bouncers", those juiced up (steroid users) willing and waiting to kick the shit out of unsuspecting patrons for no reason at all but to make themselves feel more masculine. Some Bouncers are peace loving and do not condone violence in any way and would rather talk the situation through no matter what....Now I want you to think about these two options the next time you act like a fucking moron in a Bar... "Who is going to kick me out, Tank Abbott or Ghandi?" Good Luck my little Appletini drinking friend.

Casey, have fun brother

Casey Freeman's picture

Big Jay,

Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate them as I do your service. And you're correct, for the most part, most of the bouncers I've known are completely nonviolent people. But, like anybody, push their buttons long enough and somebody is going to learn that they didn't get hired because of their good looks.

Thanks for reading!

kc

First night on the job:
A guy walks in and the bartender tells me to keep an eye on him because the last time he was in there he pulled a knife. Five minutes later the guy pulls his knife. So I asked to look at it and he gave it to me but I didn't give it back. He ordered a Harvey Wallbanger, the bartender gave him a pint glass of Coke which he slammed and then I tossed him out when the cab came.

Next night:
The owner comes in (his wife actually ran the place because the guy was a drunk). The bartender says that the quickest way to get fired was to let him drive off the lot and show up at home loaded. A lot of people started coming in and I lost track of the owner who was already kind of lubed when he came in. Next thing I know there's a big, red Suburban doing doughnuts in the parking lot. The phone rang and the bartender answers and hands it to me. It's the owner. He yelled "YOU'RE FIRED MOTHERFUCKER!" I wasn't really though, they sorta set me up. But the owner did actually fire me several times during my time there.

A few months later:
I had just bought a brand new car 2 days before. In places the lot was divided up by telephone poles laid along the ground. I parked my new car in a place people rarely parked. A guy in a Corvette pulls in and, out of all the places in an almost empty lot, about 120 yds East-West and 50 yds North-South (L-Shaped), this dick parks catticornered to me. A few hours later he gets into the Vette, revs the engine, puts it into gear and hopped right over the telephone pole, slamming said pole into the bottom of my new car. Luckily, by that time I had purchased a massive Maglite. The guy was wasted and my new car got fixed to my satisfaction. It was a lot more expensive to fix than one might think.

About a year later:
All the waitresses are frantically motioning for me to go out to the patio. There's 4 drunk frat boys covered in beer and an angry, drunk black woman trying to beat them all up. So I automatically know the story here. Clearly the frat rats had made some sort of racial comment.
Upon further explanation, the woman was backing her car out and unbeknownst to her, her male companion had passed out behind her car whilst relieving himself. The frat boys were yelling and screaming at her to stop her from crushing his head. So she stopped, got out of the car and ran onto the patio and proceeded to dump everyone's drinks all over those fine upstanding youg gents, thinking they were being racially insensitive and rude.

I've got more stuff but basically all I did for 3 years was get drunk for free, fuck drunk skanks and occasionally beat people up. Then my skank girlfriend, who I had met at the bar, made me quit because she was afraid I wouldn't stop screwing drunk skanks. But I was getting tired of putting the same drunks into cabs night after night anyway.

Unbelievable thread. Wanted to find out more about why bouncers are generally such bad judges of character. You never know when someone has a lot of money to spend on the night, or could rent the entire place for an event. In my opinion bouncers are generally very simple people. Easily lead. Narrow minded. Suckers for desperate skank pussy, because that's all it is. It's all a bit sad. I think bouncers lead very sad lives. No future. No prospects, shit money, shit people. Lots of uglines generally. Also, trust me, anyone can get laid. Give a women excitement and adventure and she'll fuck you all day long.
It's also shocking that most of these people blindly (patriotically), follow their governments regime's when it comes to invented, illegal wars. The majority of the world of men is made up of this. Blind, idiotic followers, who think of nothing but an easy life, pussy and a little money. Very, very sad indeed. But I guess it's all you've got. I mean if you didn't choose education and hard work, then what do you do? Lift weights, take steroids, feel a bit of power now and again. Any 'man' can do this, but really you have nothing. no real value. Emptiness. Pathetic.
You are nothing but ridiculous. Wake up. Do something useful.

Casey Freeman's picture

Cynical, let me tell you something you've probably heard before. As a former bouncer, and a great judge of character, by reading your comment, I can tell you're a total douchebag. Maybe a bouncer or your friends, family or strangers on the street have called you a douchebag in the past, but it's time to believe it.

I'll agree with you, there are a plenty of bad bouncers out there. But most, and I mean that literally, are regular people trying to make some extra money for school, their families or just to get by. Because honestly, most folks aren't born with a silver spoon in their mouth like you Cynical.

For me personally, I put myself through school bouncing and working in bars. It's not the most glamorous of jobs, and like you said, it's shit pay with little to no future. But in order to get an education, I needed a night job. Not everybody gets to start at the top, and for me and countless other people, we worked at the bottom for a long time and are still climbing to make our lives better.

It's people like you, who think they are better than everybody else that treat bouncers (and other people you consider your servants) like crap. Guess what? What goes around comes around. Most places I've worked in would rather not deal with a douchebag like you, regardless of how much money you or -- most likely -- your father has.

So why don't you "do something useful" and look in the mirror? Maybe change that prickboy attitude, before somebody else changes it for you.

Oh, and thanks for reading. I suppose I did something useful for you by writing this comedy article.

it is true that they may have shit money but they pick up girls all the time and i think your a very sad cause with all the money and hard work your doing you are getting nothing but shit... just like you!!

Oh man I feel a certain yet uncontrollable urge to cause physical harm upon another yet uneducated individual. I would like to start with a resounding "cynical"...fuck you, you privileged silver spoon cock sucker. NO ONE gives half a mouse shit who the fuck you "are" or who your pussy daddy may be. Financial status has no bearing on who we do or do not let in an establishment or who we decide to throw out on their worthless little over-privileged asses. I am a Desert Storm Veteran, College Graduate, Habitat for Humanity volunteer who will in any instant crush your wind-pipe into a slightly Jell-O like mess that you may or may not recover from in the event of necessity. On the event of you actually reading all of the entries to this thread you undoubtedly would have discovered several other non "juicer" bouncers. We are a chosen breed you malicious shiny watch wearing ingrate. We work to pay tuition, bills,child support, advancement into society. You my "friend" may have encountered a few of us who do not care and will not succumb (give-in) to your social status or attitude. For the most part yes, we are bad mother fuckers. Now I don't want to be the guy who says "meet me out back" but dude, come on... you're a pussy. I understand that you are just a Wee Lad and are scared to serve to protect the "country you live in". Following blindly is for chumps. I believe in this country and what it can be. 200 years of family military gets me a "little" riled up when it comes to my country you chicken little Canada-bound vagina. P.S. enjoy typing up those TPS reports you mindless cubicle drone. We on the other hand are experiencing life as it comes, if you can't accept that then maybe you need to reevaluate what your life is all about. This was all started as a joke yet readers continue to talk their bullshit. I challenge you cynical and all others to do this job for a month, then come back to this website and tell me how you feel then. Some fuckwad hits you with a corona bottle because you tell him he's had enough and has to go. Some dumb fucking whore hits you with her pint glass because you're throwing her faggot boyfriend out for punching her in your bar. Enjoy pussies, I welcome all of you to our world. P.S. Ed Hardy is a bitch
Casey brother, much love and great response once again.

oh yeah..."unverified"? lol

haha. funny thread. Good job, KC!
It remembered me from the period I was guard on the watch in a supermarket. It's true, it's not the same thing, but still, there are many similarities between this two jobs. Catching people who try to steal things, spicy argues with some clients and other employees was something at the order of the day.
It was a good lesson for me. Came at the right time (I remember I even wasn't 18 when I started to work).
Makes you to realize many thing: values, interindividual differences, and so on. In few words, you learn how to be a man. Or you can run. Is your choice :)
I agree with you two (KC and Big Jay). It's a temporary work. Earning some money and in the same time, learning different things. Life beats everything. Even theories. In fact, theories was born from life itself. So, for the readers who believe that this is a lifetime-job or other shits: go out of your room and see the true face of life. Live your life, or will life will live you, and you will end like a completely retard who throwed away all his chances on every plan.
P.S.: undercover job was the best! from all my paycheck, more than 30% was from bonusses for catching thieves and stuff like that. I kind of miss this job. Maybe I will hire again pretty soon. Time is the biggest problem humanity has. I depend (like everybody) on it all the time.
Peace and love for all of you! Waiting for other articles like this one.

Mr. Casey Freeman,

You are obviously very misguided about us. You are the prime example of why people label us. Let us converse from one bouncer to another. If you truly possessed any real experience, you wouldn't write like this whatsoever. Your attitude may pass to work in some hole in the wall cantina (at best maybe). If any owner of any halfway decent nightclub read this crap that you compose, there is no way in hell you would be hired. Allow me to state my case...as a bouncer.

Most of society stereotypes bouncers as brainless womanizing
Neanderthals that pump iron all day and maintain a brute image. Movies often depict bouncers physically throwing patrons out of clubs and restraining drunk customers with headlocks, which regrettably has led to a very popular misconception. Most everyone perceives the bar bouncer as a big ogre who beats people up, and basically destroys their night of fun. He is viewed as a separate part of the fun-loving staff of the drinking establishment who sits on a stool in the corner of the entrance checking ID's and occasionally beating the tar out of some hapless drinking customer. This is an urban legend, and it’s nothing more than modern folklore.

The best bouncers don’t "bounce" anyone... we talk to people (and remind them of the venue rules). Our tools are not size and strength, but rather protocol, personality, kindness, negotiation, diplomacy, and compassion. No, we are not heartless barbarians or bloodthirsty gladiators. We are hosts. We are entertainers. We are your friends. A successful bouncer in a creditable drinking establishment explodes these aforementioned myths. He is an integral member of the staff whose importance to the management of the bar cannot be overlooked.

The Internet is saturated with questionable testimonies that blame security personnel for being the primary cause of lawsuits waged against entertainment operators due to the use of excessive force. In fact, about 60 percent of claims against bars and nightclubs result from assault and battery. These claims involve patrons who get into fights with one another or who claim the security people—either staff or contracted security guards—used unreasonable force in dealing with them. Such claims can be expensive. Just one altercation could easily result in a $50,000 claim.

Bars and nightclubs identify assault and battery as well as liquor as the two biggest liability concerns. This is why owners and mangers seek experienced veterans in this industry. The world wide web paints a false picture that every nightclub manager seeks and retains the services of verbally and physically abusive young men who desire to become mercenaries one day. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Actually, there is a tremendous misunderstanding that dance halls, nightclubs, and bars, are plagued with hazardous environments. This myth is very false. There are plenty of nightclub establishments that are very high class, well managed, and quite secure in their compliance to TABC as well as all state and federal law. As a matter of fact, it is very safe to say, that certain discotheques maintain their clientele solely because their establishment does not have an atmosphere of drugs and violence as a result of a seasoned security force working there. There are myriads of nightlife businesses that depend on a clean and safe environment in order to maintain the level of revenue they desire. In some places, bouncers serve as nothing more than figureheads of security due to the fact that there are no problems in that particular nightlife venue.

The truth is I save lives on a nightly basis. It’s that simple. Every night I work, I greatly reduce the probability that someone (possibly a child) will not become another victim to a DWI manslaughter. Without bouncers, the roads and highways of Texas would be a lot more dangerous than they are now. A bouncer is not something I do. A bouncer is something I am. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, many innocent lives have been spared as a result of my judgment and decisions. It’s not about neon lights and good music. It’s about becoming aware that someone will live, because I showed up for work. Every shift I perform, I wholeheartedly know that I will prevent a family from the unbearable pain of having one of their kin in a wheelchair for life, as a result of a DWI.

A bouncer's primary task is to keep underage, intoxicated, aggressive, and/or otherwise disqualified individuals from entering an establishment. If I was to work tonight, I would spare a concerned father the anguish of having his 16 year old daughter sneaking into a nightclub to experiment with alcohol and older men. I protect the community on many levels. Bouncers and law enforcement are on the same side.

Bouncers are in a bar to keep the peace. Sometimes this means stopping someone from doing what they think is fun but is clearly poor behavior in public. For instance, a female customer might actually ask you to please stop a male patron from becoming too aggressive with her. Others like to take off their clothes and some partrons like to fight. The bouncer must ensure the safety of all the people in the bar, limit any damage to it, and make sure laws are not broken. Rarely a fight breaks out between a bouncer and a bar patron. Usually it is the customer or customers who are the aggressors.The bouncer must fight back in self defense or to protect someone else.

Your pompous representation of us is utterly ridiculous and childish on every level. Also, it looks like you have a severe case of LMS...Little Man Syndrome. No, you just don't hit people when you want to Mr. Freeman. It doesn't work that way in this industry. Seriously.....grow up....really.

Casey Freeman's picture

Big John,

I appreciate the fact that you read and wrote about my column. And for the most part, you're right about everything you said. But PIC is a humor website and this particular piece about bouncers and doormen was written for fun. I'm not just a guy who had a bad experience in a local pub or somebody who sad "Road House" too many times. In fact, I am employed in a very reputable bar establishment, and always have. And I've worked in some of the toughest bars in the state, where talking people out of situations just doesn't work. Sometimes you have to get mean. So I have enough experience as a bouncer under my belt, thank you very much. But I didn't start this job because I liked to kick ass, I did it because I needed a job to pay for school.

The facts are, bouncing is misunderstood. Most of the time, it's incredibly boring. You're not banging heads on an hourly, nightly or even monthly basis. For the most part, a bouncer politely asks patrons to leave, and most of the time they leave politely. Bouncers also do ambassador-type work, move things and help think of promotions. But nobody wants to read about that. They want to hear funny stories. And that's where I come in.

If you're going to toss an insult at me about "Little Man Syndrome" I'll toss another your way. Here goes Big John (and speaking of, isn't that a sure sign of Little Man Syndrome, putting "Big" if front of your name) but anyway, here goes: Don't take life, my weekly column and your job so seriously. It's just life, a bunch of swear words and a bouncing job.

And to all the other folks, remember, this is a joke website. Nothing I write should be taken as 100 percent serious. And thanks for reading, thinking and commenting.

Hey wait a second, I put Big in front of my name.. I am truly offended. Just kidding. I wonder if you knew how intense your joke site column was going to get. People need to chill out. We all have worked that job to pay bills, most of us took it seriously to stay safe. That's it.. WOW

tdhurst's picture

That's right, Mr. Freeman. How fucking dare you write a satirical post about a profession you work in for a humor site without ever considering the feelings of "real" bouncers out there.

Big John, you sound like an impotent Dalton. Perhaps this should be your life goal, preaching the necessity of soft-talking, big-feeling security that guides and saves inebriated people from severe consequences.

Or you could accept that fact that you have the job of a shepherd and stop taking yourself so fucking seriously.

tdhurst's picture

Wish this site had a bouncer as cool as Casey.

Ok so I'm only 14 i'm 6'2 on a bodybuilders frame. I plan on going into the marines for maybe 4-10 years, but afterwards would this be a good job for me to take? Right after I graduate highschool I'm going into the marines.

Casey Freeman's picture

Trever, for the Good Lord's sake, do something besides bounce. You're young, you're intelligent (you obviously found this site) and you've got a good head on your shoulders.

It's alright if you're bouncing to put yourself through school or as supplementary income, but not as your only job. Then you end up a bitter old bastard like me.

I've worked with plenty of military guys. They're great. My father is a Marine. When and if you join up, do your best to get some sort of job training or GI Bill so that when you get out, you have something better to do than bounce. My father made his living by flying helicopters, a skill he learned in the USMC.

Bouncing is a fun job, but the long hours, crappy pay and all the other downers make it a vicious cycle. I would only suggest that anybody bounces only for a little while as they learn some other skill.

Good luck Trever. I know you'll make the right decisions. And feel free to contact me via Facebook. I'm happy to give advice.

kc

@Trever: well, i'm quite convinced that you will learn many things if you take this job and afterwards you will go into marines. The differences exists, but between this two jobs exists similar principles and mechanisms who activate. The trick is to be accurate and attentive at what's happening
As a conclusion: as far as I know, trying didn't kill anyone till now (depends in what are you trying, ofc) :)
P.S.: treat this post as a personal opinion that I have about this two jobs. I hope that I was helpful. Cheers!

Big Jay's picture

Trev, as a Marine myself I applaud your service if you join. Like Casey said, this job is cool for about ten minutes. For some people it's hard to get out of the lifestyle. This is definitely a fun gig to do a couple nights a week for some extras cash but not good for the long term. Meaning use it to get on to the next step. Here's my opinion; if you join the Corps and make it to 10 years, you will most likely push it for the full 20. That's what Marines do. Good Luck brother.

If I go in the marines and become a medic couldn't I come out and become a regular doctor? If so couldn't I work at a hospital and only work 36 hours a week on 12 hour shifts and say that's Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.then I have the rest of the week off could I not bounce Thursday, Friday, and Saturday? Man growing up is tough...

Casey Freeman's picture

I really don't know how people become doctors after being medics in the military -- that's a question for somebody else. But Trever, if you become a doctor, there is absolutely no reason to become a bouncer. Doctors trump bouncers in coolness, money and chicks. The only reason I could see you wanting to become a doctor AND a bouncer is if you really feel the urge to get cheap drinks. But if you're a doctor, you'll make enough money to buy all the booze you like. Really, honestly, becoming a doctor will get you a lot farther in life than bouncing.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Trever,
No, to become a doctor after military service still requires going to a four year college and then medical school, launching you right back into 7 years active duty afterward. Often times it is better to do all this school first on an ROTC scholarship but it still requires actually getting into medical school through the traditional route. i.e. good grades, meeting class requirements, and taking the MCATs and is still all very competitive even within the military schools. If you are hell bent on military service then my best advice to you, Trever, is to do EXTENSIVE research on the matter before signing up to do anything with anybody. Often recruiters will just try and get you to enlist telling you it will all work out and you may find that you end up on a very different path than you really wanted in the first place. Research, research, research and then decide which option fits for you. If you are just using the military to pay for school then just apply for loans and pay them back afterward. If you truly wish to serve in the military as one of your life's goals then here is a good place to start looking into options outlining certain requirements for ending up a doctor in the military.

http://www.usuhs.mil/medschool/somadmfaqs.html

Please, for your own sake, outline the path you want to take and the goals you want to achieve. Then see what you need to achieve those goals and if it is realistic to achieve it, before jumping in head first into the deep end and then deciding how to swim later. As far as the Bouncer stuff...KC is right, it is kind of a moot point if you end up a doctor. All the luck to you in your journey and feel free to hit me up also through facebook or the writer's contact info within PIC, if you need any further advice.

Some of the comments on here are hilarious. Anyone can type anything, but that doesn't make it true. Being a bouncer doesn't mean you are better at physical violence than any other man. I get the whole "it's cool to tell people i'm a bouncer" crap. Most men do. Then we out grew childish things. If the bar you frequent honestly needs some type of "security" to watch for trouble, it should be shut down and/or you need to find a better place to hang. One of the comments above made me laugh. The commenter stated something to the effect of "breaking up a fight of 20 men." Jesus. I would like to see that.

Casey,

Your power trip might work on scrawny college hipsters but if I you tried it on me in a NY bar I'd beat you to death.

Casey Freeman's picture

You're tougher than a hipster? You must be pretty cool then. Thanks for the read.

hahah Just gotta say, I appreciate the article and the sharp decline in comments from stories to full out battles! I am bouncer in a small bar/club in NY (no, not the city) and I can relate to almost everything said here. Just so you all know, many of us are moonlighting officers of the law, so I'd be careful not to make too many enemies, I might recognize you during a traffic stop ;)

The fact is that some of you bouncers are power trippers. I was going to a club once for a birthday party where cover charge was free for guests before midnight. I got to the club at 11:50pm and the bouncer made me wait on line. I was worried I may not get to the front of the line by midnight, and I explained my situation very calmly and politely (and I was totally sober too), and the bouncer just started going nuts and cursing at me and and screaming for me to go to the back of the line.
Fine. Then at 11:58, there was no one in front of me, but the bouncer made me wait until 12:01 to walk up to an imaginary line that demarcated whether I got to the club before midnight or not. Then he said I have to pay the $30 cover charge. I justifiably got upset and asked to see the manager, and the bouncer threatened to beat me up. I had a lot of money to spend that night and I went with some friends who showed up late to a nearby bar, had a great time, and now when I have an event to schedule I go there.
My point is, I recognize that bouncers probably have to deal with drunken aholes all the time, but you become the drunken ahole when you start mistreating people who are being polite with you and getting drunk on your own power. That club lost a customer too because my friends and I have really started to like this other bar and have spent a fair amount of money there, so that bouncer also lost the club a little bit of business. After this incident (and another incident where a bouncer wouldn't let my Asian friend in because of his race) and I have a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to you bouncers. Get better at differentiating people who deserve your wrath from those who dont.

You sound like a fucking douchebag fuck bouncers i hope they all get viciously murdered your just like nazi skinheads but you get paid to be a piece of shit

hahaha doormen get about as much respect as a cow turd uneducated morons

bouncers are pussy's who use power in numbers. If that bouncer had to go one on one sober vs sober it would be a different story. Who ever wrote this article is a typical uneducated, bull head, power abusing bouncer.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in guerrilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.