About Administrator
Signup for PIC!
Create a member account now to track your comments/submissions, mark your favorites, contact writers, customize your profile and more. It only takes a few seconds here.
Recent Comments
| Author | Comment | Article |
|---|---|---|
| Anonymous (not verified) | Without a doubt,Game Reviews | Happy Birthday, My Ugly Daughter! |
| Louis Farrakhan (not verified) | Your words will not go | I'm Sorry I Shanked You |
| Frank | awesome dude. love it when | I'm Sorry I Shanked You |
| Anonymous (not verified) | Let me see that | Poem of the Solemn Thong |
| Courtney | You know, I work in a | I'm Sorry I Shanked You |
To the Motherfucker Who Stole My iPod
To the Motherfucker Who Stole My iPod
>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer Nick Gaudio
March 22, 2006
|
To Whom It May Concern:
Okay, motherfucker, I know you stole my iPod, but I’ll level with you: I’m going to let you plead your case. Only, good luck
doing it while I’m yelling, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU’RE TALKING TO ME!!” and smacking you in the face every time your lips part. You know what?
Fuck it. I’ll just pull your fucking tongue out with an elaborate tongue-pulling instrument. I’m not sure what yet, but I know it’s going to involve
Wesley Snipes, dental floss, and a flock of angry geese, and it’s going to hurt.
Then, after I pay Wesley and send the geese off to Canada, I’m going to hack out your eyeballs with cold butter-knives previously
stored up Hilary Clinton’s ass. At which point I’ll soak your bloody eye sockets in corrosive acid and mash the balls back into your forehead with rubber
mallets. No, no…not rubber mallets…Whack-a-Mole Hammers. Yes. Then, I’ll liquefy your nose with a corroded soldering gun and give it to a bum on the
street so he can trade it for some scotch or Keno. You might not be able to smell, taste or see, but you’ll be able to listen to my playlists: “Bubble Bath
Jams” and “The Best of REO Speedwagon.” Exactly what you wanted, eh motherfucker?
"When Oprah has you squashed under her enormous ass, I’m going to feed her chocolate-covered laxatives. Don’t worry, I
won’t let her shit too much on you."
At this point you may think that because you merely stole my iPod, I would let you off there. Not so fast. I’m not setting you free at this point. I’m only just
beginning. You see, you not only have 5000 of my songs now, you have my complete collection of poems, short stories, and child pornography…and that, you fucking
bastard, is worth more than any part of your body, mind or soul.
I’m not that bad, what? Well, then, I’m going to snip parts of your spinal cord with a pair of needle-nosed pliers. I’ll
impair your ability to steal again, scratch your balls, and eat asshole—something I’m sure you do, you fucking bastard. How’s that for
bad? Then, I’ll soak your bloody cheeks in rubbing alcohol and give you a shave with a Mach 4 razor…without lubrication. Oh yes, speaking of without
lubrication, when I find you, I’m going to stick a squash so far up your ass that your kidneys will come out your nipples. Then I’ll amuse myself with it like
Play-Doh. I’ll make a voodoo doll of you with your Kidney Play-Doh and stick it in the microwave. Then, when it’s on fire, I’ll take a piss on it. Then
on you, to make sure my point came across crystal clear, with a tinge of yellow. But look on the bright side champ! You might smell like piss and not be able to
walk for the rest of your life, but you’ll be able to rock out to my playlists “Power Hour Fun!” and “Walkin’ on Sunshine!” Well, not
“Walkin’ on Sunshine!” Hahahaha! Fucker!
While you sit in extreme pain, I’m going to hire an effeminate black man to pull each pubic hair out of your small ball sac with a pair of tweezers.
Doesn’t sound too bad, eh? Well, they’ll then be hooked up to a car battery. Yeah, that’s what you get for talking shit, bitch. Even better, afterwards,
I’m going to pull your testicles out through your mouth with a fishhook and some extra-prongy barbed wire. Then, guess what? I’ll dip them in pickle brine and
serve them al dente to some embittered feminists at the Women’s Rights Convention. And while I’ll leave your dick unscathed, you’ll wish I
hadn’t.
Following this, to mix things up, I’m going to hire fourteen decrepit Russian nuns to sit on your sniveling little face. They’ll
have solid white chunks of albacore tuna fish stuffed in their pussies. And that’s not even the bad part, bitch. I’m going to hold your nose so that you have
to eat out the slimy protein just to catch a breath. Even when you do that, it’s going to be Russian nun queef, not regular air…because they’ll already
have sat on your Viagra-induced hard-on. Hey, you know what would be the perfect atmosphere for that occasion? My “Uh-huh Backseat 80s Ballads” playlist! I bet a little
Whitesnake would really set the mood!
And yes, while “Is This Love” plays, those horny little nuns will squeeze your head between their hairy communist thighs. Even as
this is going down, I’m going to ghost-write a fiction novel in your name. Then, I’ll call it a memoir, put you on Oprah, and have her rape your manhood on
national television. Then I’ll have her sit on your face, too.
When Oprah has you squashed under her enormous ass, I’m going to feed her chocolate-covered laxatives. Don’t worry, I won’t
let her shit too much on you, you might get something infected, and I don’t want you to die. No, no sir.
You see, I’m not just going to physically torture you. I’m going to fuck with you and then place you in the most emotionally devastating situation I can
think of: a fat, Christian wife and the inability to run away from her.
This is how I plan on doing this: I’m going to steal your identity, fuck your girlfriend in the ass like you’ve been begging her
to let you do, then stab her with a broken vodka bottle. Then I’m going to fuck a random fat chick (I’m willing to do that just to fuck you over, so you have
to realize how much I hate you). Then, I’ll marry her with your name, signing an agreement that gives all of your worldly possessions—including your bruised
dick—to your fat ass wife in the event that you would leave her. You see, I’m not going to just go off and kill you. That’d be too fucking nice of
me.
Okay, there may be one nice thing that I won’t do in the process of torturing you. I’m not going to do anything to your
hearing, motherfucker. “Why?” you might be asking? Well, you dirty bastard, because I love irony. You see, I want to go to sleep at night, hugging a pillow, picturing you in your lawn
chair, blinking out “yes” or “no” to your retarded little children and your fat wife, who says to you in the most piercing shriek, “Okay
honey, I’ll get you a beer! While I’m gone, go ahead and listen to your iPod! Oh, by the way! I deleted all the songs with explicit lyrics!”
Sincerely, your worst nightmare,
Nick
P.S. Any information regarding my stolen iPod would be much blowjob-worthy. And I know a lot of desperate whores, people. Let me know!
Agh!
|
34 Comments
i like it nick.. <b>its funny</b>
"I’m going to stick a squash so far up your ass that your kidneys will come out your nipples." Reminds me of when I say "I'm going to rip your arms off and shove them so far up your ass that you're going to poke your own eyes out." Just thought I'd share.
They have the CUTEST iPod clothes at Old Navy....yes actual clothes for an iPod!!!
Though, obviously Old Navy now markets to girls who rub it in. :(
I'm not buying a $10 hooded fleece there ever ever ever again!
i didnt like it.....it wasnt really funny, more like just....there
Keep writing things like that, irony included, and after one of those whores gives me a blowjob I'll start a hunt for that thieving fuck.
Nick,
If you ever carry out on your threats, I'll buy you an iPod just to have the pleasure of watching. Maybe, you can do society a favor and perform some medical experiments, like sticking this person's head in a microwave and taking notes on the effects.
Ken
Any article that mentions REO Speedwagon and Katrina and the Waves must be the single greatest piece of literature ever created.
this is humor?
Good reference Adam!
That <i>was</i> a Whitesnake underground hit!
To the fucker who stole his Ipod. If you read his article and read this comment by chance. Here's an idea... send Nick pictures of the ipod with ransom note style clues and shit to him. "I have your Ipod. If you want it back safely you will do as I as" cut out of newspaper letters with a picture of the Ipod in the middle of a busy intersection.
Sorry Nick, but that was just terrible. I don't see the humor in it anywhere. Reading that would be torture enough for whomever may have stolen you ipod.
HaHaHaHa, some sick shit here.
Good job.
Your poetry and short stories suck! Nah they were okay but the little boy getting eaten out by you was a bit wierd. Cut down on eating ass and people might just think your a retard rather than a complete freak.
This one time, i ate a fortune cookie whole on purpose, so naturally i am telling you the truth when I say that I have shat better writing than this.
So....you're angry at this guy?
I sympathise with your ipod being stolen, but there are better mp3's out there, choose a better investment next time and maybe some desperate little try-hard homy won't steal it!!
Damn, Nick. Tell us what you really think!
Good article. It made me laugh my ass off. I hope you find your iPod.
1). I think I love you. (Fantastic article)
2). Boy, seriously, there are so many better mp3 players. The thief did you a favour.
Dear god man, that is the scariest revenge plan i have ever had the frightening instance of reading.
Hope you find the fucker though.
No word yet on the fucker, though I found a lead today...a pawn shop has an iPod that came in that has lots of scratches on it and a piece of cigarette ash in the display..pretty sure that it's mine.
But what if it turns out that you actually just lost the iPod? Wouldn't you have to do all that to yourself? Such an elaborate, diabolical plan must be put to use.
I suppose, in that case, that I'd do it to John Mayer. Or at least, somebody-like him-that's high my Torture List.
This article dragged on and on but i loved it. its like a literature version of kennys deaths in south park. quality, hope you find the theiving cunt!
If someone ever steals anything of mine, I'll be glad to let you handle it... and do me.
UPDATE:
Due to some heavy sleuthing and an anonymous tip, my iPod has been returned :)
dude i dont no u but i'm glad u got your ipod back after all that! do you know who the fucker is?
Unfortunately, no.
It was mailed to me with no return address. The writing was uniquely masculine (sloppy), so it was definitely a guy.
But yeah, apparently, the chickenshit was too sacred to give it back to me like a man.
as someone who has had their ipod stolen i totally get teh sentiment. i was lucky enough to get mine back though, i had to purchase another one. but if i do find the dipshit who stole it (i think i know who) i mail his sorry ass to you
I hope a German assfux you motherfucker. You think U tough motherfucker? I stole your shittt and you can't do shittt. You a little bitch-blowing-BJ-giving-young ass motherfucker, you gotta get bombed, motherfucker. You think you earned that shittt. Our mexican brothers got fucked for that shittt. You better suck dicks and earn that shittt. You think you are gang, we are the motherfucking gang. We will kill you motherfuckers.
Just trying to scare you. My name is Jack Esposito. And I don't have your fucking ipod. Man, it's fun to swear. But you know that right
Buying an iPod is just transplanting legs onto money.
you're a pathetic-piece of shit person. Not that what you wrote about your stolen ipod wasn't imbecile, I didn't have the interest to read any more of your ignorant rants. From spalking the titles I could see you're delusional and suffer from low self esteem. What college do you go to? Take your whack game out to where the big fish play and you'll get nothing but laughed out. It's a fucking shame god gave the ability to some people of writing. Why not try to do something constructive, ah, sorry, you're too cool, sorry for thinking you could be decent.
You're a lucky man, Nick Gaudio, because my iPod was never returned to me. A few years ago my high school computer science teacher picked up my iPod and turned it into the Principal. I go in a month later to get it, and it was gone. Fucking ass hats took it home to their greedy, overweight, spoiled child, who proceeded to nut everywhere due to the porn he discovered in the depths of my iPod.
I finally bought a new one last week that can <i>play</i> the porn. Game, set, and match.
i would do the same if i ever found who stole my ipod