Since it’s summer now, you better get cracking on your reading list. Okay, while you’re ignoring your books and slacking off at work, think about the things you should do before you graduate. Here are a few to help you out.

1. Go to a College Football Game Sober

You see how obnoxious, stupid and awful everybody is? Their parents must be embarrassed, especially if this game is broadcast on national TV. But, singing while intoxicated with people you’ve never met is more fun than watching the dumbest people in your school run around throwing balls and then hitting each other. Remember to get drunk next time.

2. Survive a “Scare”

The scariest thing in college is not waking up next to the bearded lunch lady, failing Intro to Psych or getting mugged off campus. It’s when you or your significant other screwed up while you were screwing. You find out you might be a parent. Unlike other fads, you can’t trade your kid for a newer and more fashionable one. Well, yeah you can if you’re rich. Nobody wants college to be where you earned your degree and had a baby. Pray to God, sell your soul or do whatever needs to be done to get out of this one. NOTE: There is nothing fun about “The Scare.”

3. Ask the Hot Chick Out

There’s a dream girl who lives on every campus. You may call her “Tiger Eyes,” “Pink Shirt Hotness” or “Nebraska.” Mine was “Super Porn Star Girl.” Prematurely force your balls to drop, walk up to her and say, “Hi, my name is ____ and I think you’re gorgeous. Would you like to go somewhere with me?” My moves impressed Super Porn Star Girl so much she actually invited me to her room where I listened to her read poetry. Later she partied with me and then watched as I held up a friend so he could barf and piss on a building. Afterwards, she was not impressed with me, but, at least I asked her out.

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4. Bang in the Books

If I have one true regret of college, it’s not that I didn’t graduate Magnum Cum Laude Something, it’s that I never deeped a girl in the library. I don’t know why it would be so awesome, but you’d think that of all the time I spent in the stacks reading (I actually did), I’d have at least one porn-like experience when I walked in on a hot-n-horny girl reading “Bridges of Madison County,” “Legally Blonde – The Adapted Novellette” or whatever girls read to get flustered and we knocked boots in the reference section.

5. Make Out in Public During the Day

During daylight, get romantical and just grab a person and start getting makey outey. You don’t need to touch boobs, but a butt pinch will suffice. But don’t be THAT couple.

6. Convince Somebody It’s Mountain Dew

The fact is, the funniest thing you’ll EVER see is somebody unknowingly drinking piss. Start thinking of ways NOW to convince your asshole roommate to swallow some of your bodily fluids. Perhaps plan an entire party around it. Intoxicate the soon-to-be-urine guzzler. Hand him a “beer” and say, “I know it’s warm, but you always eat my fucking peanut butter. It’s water underneath the bridge. Let’s chug like good old roommates.” Take photos. Mark the day on your calendar and celebrate its anniversary. And, of course, tell me about it.

7. Get in a Fight with a Bouncer or a Cop

Let him know you’re very important. Make sure you drill the fact that you are important into his gorilla brain. Tell him he’s stupid and working for minimum wage. Inform him he’s on a power trip and someday you’ll own him. Ask him, “Do you know who I am?” If that doesn’t work, try “Do you know who my dad is?” When you wake up from your coma, your fingers heal, and the doctors remove the wires from you jaw, tell me how that went.

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8. Take Every Condom from Student Health

It lets everybody know you’re classy enough to use condoms, but too poor to afford your own. Plus, it gives you a wide variety of choices and you can always blame poor sexual prowess performances on Durex Extra Lubed Thin Tipped.

9. Go to Your Professors’ Office Hours

It’s not sucking up. It actually helps. Some professors are kind of cool. Talk to them about The Big Lebowski. They always like that movie.

10. Attend an Event

College is about expanding your horizons. It doesn’t mean drinking Coors Light when you run out of Natty Ice. Try attending your school’s Lesbian Unicycle Poetry Club or The Accommodation for White Guys Who Want to Learn How to Dance or Alcohol Free Quiz Night. Seriously, go. Impress all the geeks with how cool you are. Make friends with them and exchange Facebook info. Then never show up again and get drunk instead. Try Keystone Ice and you won’t feel guilty.

11. Have a Poop Contest

Who’s got the biggest, grossest, smelliest, consistently soupy, most multi-colored, corniest, heaviest or most miraculously shaped-like-Neil-Diamond poop?  There’s only one way to find out. Let the games begin!

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