This One's on Me

Weekly Drunk Text: Its not the size of your penis its how many drugs you have - Bones.

Math is hard and makes my head hurt. So when I'm bartending, my favorite price is nothing - hey, I don't own this bar, who gives a shit? But I don't toss gratuitous grain alcohol to everybody. There are certain things necessary for the coveted free drink - and remember, free drinks taste better - unless they're roofied. The only drink better than a free one is a stolen one. So here's a quick guide to getting liquored up for free...sort of.

First off, I don't bartend because I like to sleep until noon, drink free whiskey, work in t-shirts, get romanced by beautiful babies, and get paid under the table. Well, yeah I do. But I work for tips.

I know it's expensive to tip. Hell, you could stay at home, buy your own booze and make your own girly drinks for a fraction of the cost and you don't have to tip yourself in the end. Well, then do it. You might as well rub one out, because potential banging mates won't show up at your door randomly.

If you want to save money (and meet drunk chicks) you have to spend money. Sure you could buy stock in Grey Goose with the money you spend on overrated vodka at the bar, but you're really paying for the atmosphere, music, clientele and my comic book addiction. A big tip right off the bat or multiple decent tips can get you a freebie, but there's no guarantee. Sometimes bartenders forget (because we're all drunks), or maybe you just ordered from the wrong bartender at the wrong time. Remember, a buck a drink is a good tip, but we might forget in the flurry of things happening around us (read on). You should probably just tip $100 a drink. We'll certainly remember you then.

Bartenders have comp tabs. It may be $20, it may be $200. How much we pay attention to limits depends on how shitbombed we are, how busy the night is, and how much we like our jobs. There's an old maxim that goes something like this: "Every bartender steals. The best are cool, too."

There are ways to instantly get a free drink, but this isn't my first day on the job. I know all the tricks. Don't hand me a glass with just ice and say, "I wanted a whiskey sour, not an amaretto sour." If your glass or bottle is chipped, I'll get you a new one. If I hand you the wrong thing or cockroaches are playing water polo in your rum and Coke, that's a given. If you're a dick about any of this, you're free to go fuck yourself.

If you finish your cocktail and you find a bunch of pubes at the bottom, you don't get a free one. Here's a tip from me: Even if you are one in real life, don't be a douchebag to me, for I can be much douchier.

Some people always get deals, like my friends. They either tip me or I steal things from them. Or I owe them money and this constitutes payback. Or I feel the need to give freebies since I accidentally slept with your girlfriend, but I deemed it okay because all three of us were drunk.

Oops, did I say all three of us? That's because my girlfriend was there too. I kind of used one of your condoms also, but not on your girlfriend. Even though your old lady was cheating on you with me, she was still less of a dirty slut than my fuck buddy. Isn't it weird that I barebacked your two-timing girlfriend but didn't have the gall to go into my own without a coat of armor? I guess it was weird, but I was concentrating on the four boobs in my mouth at the same time and the fact that your sexual property was molesting me in delicious ways, not the awkward situation I would face in the future. I probably should have told you, but I didn't want to feel guilty about it. And, honestly, I don't. Because it was awesome. So very awesome.

Okay, sorry. Got sidetracked. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, free stuff and...

Not just any skank with big hooters gets a complementary appletini. She has to have a personality. Or be willing to show me her big hooters.

The thing is, women in general get enough free shit and they've come to expect it. Now, I don't give a damn if some asshat buys a girl a drink. That's not digging into my pocket because a) it doesn't take anything from my comp tab, and b) the guy either tips me or I ridicule him during his courtship. Women, if a guy doesn't tip, he's just like your father. Men, 20 percent is just fine, thanks.

Basically, if you go to the bar expecting guys to buy you drinks all night, I think you should be put in your place. Now roofying girls is wrong, wrong, wrong. However, treating females with the respect I'd give to the star of a Bumfights video isn't. Daddy's Little Princess's humiliation can vary from different degrees of boob-showing to sexual misconduct that will make her real daddy disown her, change his name and move to another state. While I won't go into specifics, a lot of times this involves whipped cream, another girl, a flying squirrel, video cameras, and maybe a bouncer or two (those dudes get lonely too).

Girls don't make out with each other just for free Jager shots. These acts of debauchery are as their own rewards, because females are attention whores. The guy who made Girls Gone Wild isn't a millionaire (in jail) because drunk chicks adore free t-shirts, tour buses, and being jacked off to, girls just like attention - or are fat, boring uglies.

This works out great for bartenders because after a few months slinging drinks, your average pub-runner hates humanity more than the vengeful war god Ares, knows more reputation-ruining tortures than Hades, and has access to more booze than Dionysus.

So gang, if you're looking to score a free drink, you're probably better off swiping from your parents' liquor cabinet. Otherwise, guys, bring your wallets. Ladies, look me in the eyes, smile and open wide.... Oh, and make it sexy.