There’s a Monster Living in My Butt and He Won’t Let Me Eat Dairy
He sounded just like Danny DeVito. He spun in a circle three times fast and jumped right back up in my butt-hole. I didn't even feel it.
Tag: Satire
Rating the Chicken Fingers at Five High-End Restaurants
This fusion spot is known for its pan-seared foie gras with mustard seeds and green onions. But that sounds gross, we want chicken fingers!
If the Earth Really is Warming, Why is My Wife Still Leaving Me?
The eggheads at NASA say that last year was the fourth hottest on record, and yet a polar vortex of Arctic proportions has descended upon my bedroom.
The USA is the Greatest Country in the World But Those Soccer Girls Need to Be Nicer
Competition makes the American dream real! But fighting to break records early in international competition while defending your title… isn’t classy.
Are You a Real New Yorker or Just a College Intern?
Mixed up bodies of water, and when your friend from out of town visited, confidently pointed towards Hoboken and said, “that’s Brooklyn over there?”
Transcript of the “Big Little Lies” Season 2 Group Chat
LD: pig emoji LD: did that work LD: do u see a pig RW: Laura I’m not seeing one!!! RW: does anyone else see a pig?!
You Shall Call Me “Dear Leader”
I shall return triumphant—and in my best Dockers and newest Crocs—exactly as the Great Destiny has deemed it to be.
At Cookr, We Want You Back!
(March 5, 10 PM) Our analytics tell us you visited our website recently, but you still haven’t re-subscribed to COOKR. Why not?!
Romantic Advice From a Plump Young Hen
You name it, I’ve been through it. Casual flings. True love. Nits. Pink eye. And I’ve been a truthteller and a trendsetter through it all.
All the Things I Would Have Said to the Dentist Who Insulted My Wife’s Teeth If I Wasn’t Busy With My Jet Ski That Day
When I got a text from my wife that you looked at her beautiful food grinders and said, “Are these rocks in your mouth? Who put these in?” I got mad.
A Heartfelt Thank-You to the Robocall That Told Me About the Outstanding Warrant for My Arrest
Now that I’m safely in hiding and have murdered more people, I wanted to thank you, the robot who is responsible for me still being on the streets.
Behold! I am Deciden, King of the Indecisive Friend Group
I separate emotion from logic and wield my mighty Trident of Critical Thinking, which is a normal trident that I use to emphasize my pronouncements.