A Message from the Meditation App You Haven’t Opened in Six Months
At first, I thought something had happened to you, like that you’d fallen off the peak of a mountain in search of the most serene place to meditate.
Tag: Satire
Bros Before Prose: A Critique of My Bud’s Personal Essay
You're a master of your craft. No, not the hazy IPA you're drinking, but you're a master of that too.
I Warned Them Not to Bother Me Until I Had My Third Cup of Coffee
“It’s not supposed to be funny,” I replied. “It’s a command.” Chad appeared confused.
My Apartment Is Infested with Cockroaches—Here’s Why It’s My Neighbors’ Fault
My extensive preventative measures haven't stopped them from sneaking into my bed while I’m trying to eat my cheese and crackers in peace.
Monthly Horoscopes from an Online Symptom Checker
Aires: The discovery of a solitary butt-pimple will start a medical journey that ends in divorce and prison time.
Sick, I Just Filmed Your Shark Attack on My Phone!
Oh, and I totally would've signaled for help earlier, but that idiot kid kept standing in my shot. Down in front, am I right?
I Meant to Attach My Resume, Not My Manifesto About Eating People
The document that I sent you by mistake, “Human Meat and the Future of Farming,” may seem like a confession, but I assure you it is not.
ACLU of Gotham Press Release Re: People v. Batman, City of Gotham PD
"I didn’t even know it was a crime. I worked down at the docks. I had no idea I was helping smuggle in the Scarecrow’s neurotoxins."
Your Final Semester of Dental School Will Focus Primarily on the Care and Maintenance of Your Future Office Aquarium
We will cover advanced topics in endodontics, and the selection, upkeep, and disposal of the countless tropical fish in your new dental office.
Increasingly Desperate Marketing Emails from a Start-Up Guy
As you already know from my #startupgrind Instagram posts, I’ve been hard at work on an exciting new business venture!
I’m the Pinch Pot You Made in Third Grade—Why Won’t Your Mother Let Me Die?
I looked around: Pristine bowls, with smooth edges, not a pinch in sight. My exterior sports at least seven visible fingerprints and a hole that slowly leaks.
Old Friend, We Sure Have Made Something of Ourselves
You with your magnificent house you built yourself, two young healthy children, and a partner who loves you for who you are, and me with my podcast.