I Ate Nothing but Gummy Worms for a Month and Here’s What Happened
Day Two: To smooth things over with my girlfriend, I write "You'll always be my Number One worm" in gummies on the kitchen floor.
Tag: Pain
Valentine’s Day Date Ideas for You and Your Seasonal Affective Disorder
Treat your Valentine to a fancy restaurant just the way it likes: put off making a reservation as long as possible so all restaurants are booked!
To the Man Selling His Dead Baby’s Shoes
What on earth caused you to decide that the appropriate response to this tragedy was selling your dead baby's shoes in the local newspaper?
13 Things I, a 33-Year-Old Man with Zero Interest in Football, Find More Exciting to Watch at a Super Bowl Party Than the Game
Janice and Mark’s whisper-fights about their upcoming incomplete wedding plans. They’ve been engaged for 7 years now.
When the Facts Change, I’ll Tell You What I Don’t Do: Flip-Flop
My first word was "pasghetti." You can say "spaghetti" all you want, but fact is, I say pasghetti.
How to Find the Perfect Apartment in Hell
Don’t hesitate. If you see an apartment you like, grab a demon’s pitchfork, stab it in your thigh, and sign in blood immediately.
It’s Hard Being a Barbarian Hero in Downtown Manhattan
“Your plight reached me on LinkedIn: the posting spoke of your lamentation, of your need for a Client Data and Management Information Co-Ordinator!”
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town– Oh God, Hide the Cookies! He’s Here!
Billy, look at your mother! Tell me you hid the Milanos with Dark Chocolate Filling! Oh, my child... How could you?
I Demand You Take My Son off the Naughty List, Santa!
It pains me to think that the childhood I’ve carefully constructed for Trevin could come crashing down, all due to the ramifications of your bullying.
How to Cope When a Loved One Reveals They’re a Red Hot Chili Peppers Fan
Unraveling the “why?” behind a Red Hot Chili Peppers (RHCP) fan’s devotion is critical towards correctly identifying their funk-rock condition.
Does This Crippling Existential Dread Make Me Look Fat?
This thing we call "life" is really just a painfully drawn out, cosmic joke. And I can’t tell if that’s what’s causing the bulge around my waistline.
5 Episodes of “DuckTales” Where Winter’s First Snowfall Coincided with Uncle Scrooge Explaining to His Grandnephews That Because They Were Not Human, God Would Not Welcome Them into the Kingdom of Heaven When They Died
Season 1, Episode 45 - Raiders of the Lost Harp: When Uncle Scrooge Bemoans That All His Riches Cannot Afford Him a Seat in God’s Kingdom