Where to Summer During Today’s Blood Moon
Between Subway Stations: Because this blood moon is opposing Mercury in retrograde, all travel will become a Rube Goldberg-esque hellscape of delays and re-routes.
Tag: Pain
Introducing Jack Daniel’s Hotspots
Developed in our top-secret lab deep in the bedrock below our cave spring, each and every Jack Drone is crafted to exacting standards.
Bob Ross’ The Joy of Painting an Industrial Society and Its Future
A painting or a bomb could cause the right amount of surprise and confusion to shake people out of their stupors, if you mail it to the right person.
The Ballad of the Inept Geneticist
I am the Inept Geneticist So send to me your best spitting And for you I’ll manufacture A heritage more befitting
Our Airbnb’s Pre-Cleaning Fee Goes to Removing Every Trace of the Outside World
While our aesthetic up until about mid-2016 was "cozy cabin," our current aesthetic is more like "amicably abandoned sanitarium."
A Response From the Woman Formerly Known as “Jessie’s Girl”
Your most memorable characteristics of me were “those eyes” and “that body.” Newsflash, Rick: most women on this planet have eyes and a body.
Your New Stress Reducing, Anxiety Relieving, Weighted Blanket
My parents got me this as a housewarming gift but I still live with them. Does this mean they want me to move out?
Breakfast Cereal Mascots I’ve Had Impure Thoughts About, Ranked by How Ashamed It Made Father McGillicuddy
Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam is about as dreamy as tropical birds get. Father McGillicuddy had a much harder time wrapping his brain around this one.
A Paleo-Diet Enthusiast Travels to the Paleolithic Era
I offended my hosts yesterday when I criticized their dining options. I guess they don't recognize a paleo guru when they see one.
The Thunder in Paradise: Poems Created From Interviews With Hulk Hogan, Part 3
get red-hot, / a white meat babyface / I would always tease him / by calling him “Broccoli” / even if it made things worse.
Welcome to the Alphas Only Hedge Fund
I know you’re here because you read that Vice article that said our hedge fund is like the Wolf of Wall Street but with actual wolves. That’s true.
Paul Klee’s Childhood Diaries
Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. What sorcery is this? Only a demon could so affect the utter destruction and recreation of his countenance at will.