Things to Do in Philadelphia That Don’t Involve Beating My Ass with a Big Hammer
The Philadelphia Museum of Art, somehow, contains a large painting of me having my ass beat with a hammer, wielded by a man who I have never met.
Tag: Pain
Why I Won’t Let My Son Sign Up For Pee-Wee Football
It’s a commitment, most football teams have several practices a week. As a single parent, I can’t make that work. Also my son is made of glass.
I Know Snoopy is a Beloved Cartoon Dog, But If He Bit Me I Would Want Him Put Down
Before writing me off as some vengeful psycho, consider that this little dog thought it was funny to lick Lucy’s face without her consent.
New Economy Seating Options at United Airlines
Our Economy Basic passengers are seated in a section of the plane teeming with luxury-hungry wolves, starving for cherished Basic ticket-holders.
An Asshole Tries to Fight a Fire
The jar banged off the window and now burning, fancy French grease is everywhere! Thank you Vicky! Thank you so much for closing all the windows!
Realistic Customer Memories About Toys ‘R’ Us
"But look after I beat the display game, I found my kid and bought an entire shelf of Legos out of guilt. Okay?" ---Victor Andrade (Wichita, KS)
Dear Hiring Managers: Please Stop Asking About My Dark Past
You will recall laughing after I cautioned that I had once confessed to a priest only to watch him go straight to hell. I do not recall laughing.
Angry Letters From a Dropped LEGO Block
I was made to bring joy to this world. Now I’m on the floor where I can only bring pain. I fear I am becoming the villain.
Ways to Straight Up Chill with Your Homeboy, Even Though He’s Always Chasing a Cartoon Bird
At a certain point, your homeboy Wile E. must realize there's more to life than trying to murder some bird. Like chilling on a perfect afternoon.
A Healthy Guide for Dealing With Loneliness
Watching other people play video games on YouTube, crying, and masturbating hasn't helped you find anybody yet. So, what's the real problem?
An Open Letter to My Parents Who are Forcing Me to Be an Amateur Standup Comedian When I Just Want to Work in Human Resources
Even though I am pursuing a stable career in human resources, please remember that I will always be your emotionally underdeveloped and insecure son.
Welcome to Amtrak’s “Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club”
The first rule of Amtrak's "Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club" is: Kindly shut the fuck up about everything. Enjoy bare-knuckle chef combat.