Mindfulness Tips for Evil Telepathic Mutants
Don’t dwell on the minds you’ve violated in the past or plan to violate in the future. Focus on the minds you’re violating in the present.
Tag: Health
What to Get the Person Who Has Everything
The Multi-Millionaire: They have it all. The husband, the mansion, the coke addiction. What could you, their friend in low places, get them?
The Grinch Shouldn’t Be Prosecuted in the Court of Public Opinion
In Who-ville, critical thinking is not valued as a trait. No, rumor and hearsay are given far more weight.
Does This Crippling Existential Dread Make Me Look Fat?
This thing we call "life" is really just a painfully drawn out, cosmic joke. And I can’t tell if that’s what’s causing the bulge around my waistline.
It’s That Time of Year Again When My Seasonal Affective Disorder Kicks in and I Transform into Glargor the Cave Troll
Like Bruce Banner turns into The Hulk when he gets angry, I turn into Glargor whenever the concentration of Vitamin D in my blood dips below 15 ng/ml.
We Need to Discuss Your Son’s Science Fair Project, “Why Do Mommy and Daddy Use Bad Words?”
If, as his poster suggests, your child is exposed to profanity like “dysentery sh*tstream” and “apocalyptic f*ck-tato,” we need to problem-solve.
Jared Kushner’s Skin Care Routine
He hangs the skin carefully on a manikin and covers his true skin with a protective layer of mucus---the air is very harsh on his delicate scales.
Signs Your Therapist Is a Robot
Instead of a medical degree, they display the Three Laws of Robotics and a nude photo of R2D2 on the wall.
Translations of the Text Message “WYD”
“I don’t want to come off as needy so I’ve been sitting on this text for precisely 72 hours since our last hang.”
The Six Types of Belly Button
You have a sense of inferiority to people with innies, but a sense of superiority to kangaroos and other marsupials that lack belly buttons.
I’m the Troll Living Under This Bridge and Only I Know Your Destiny Is to Be an Accountant
Being an accountant isn’t all about money, eating tuna sandwiches in the breakroom, and getting picked last for the company dodgeball team.
Everyone Who Has Seen Ever Me Naked, Ranked
Bra-Sizing Woman: She looks young, maybe eighteen, and I wonder to myself if this might be illegal.