I Have No Professional Skills So I’m Applying to Be an LA Meteorologist
I’ve workshopped names like Gale Force, Itsa Scorcher, Summer Day, or if you just want to throw all subtlety out the window, Cloud Precipitation.
Tag: Future
A Preflight Safety Lecture in the Not-So-Distant Future
Non-stop service from Dunkin Brands/Boston International Airport to Paramount++ Presents The Mummy VI/Hollywood Burbank Airport.
What Your Astrological Sign Says About You (Behind Your Back)
Taurus sun is grounded and earthy. I did hear it spreading a rumor that you lied about meeting Joey Fatone though.
You Can Do Anything You Want in Life, As Long as You Get Past the Crushing Weight of Reality
Maybe you could just be an accountant who wears a tiara and pets a teacup poodle whilst shoveling through student loan debt for the rest of her life.
Playful Cheeseburger Sliders, Motherly Advice, and a Sincere Apology
Glen Lentil goes patty wild, our horoscope writer just wants what's best for you, and a pool manager owns up to an honest mistake.
DIY Bird Feeders and Everyday US Patriots
Join our new big-name columnists for a savory summer of defining opinions. Foodie life, advice, home improvement, interviews, and horoscopes.
I Am the All-Knowing Supercomputer Programmed by White Guys to Be Super Inclusive
Kyle and Derek began training me on all subject matters of the world like philosophy and what Derek would refer to as “dank-ass internet shitposts.”
The Mini-Country of San Asino Wants Some Skin in the Space Race to Mars
Skip the endless interplanetary travels and instead, parachute your rovers from Earth orbit into the welcoming atmosphere of San Asino’s city park.
A Sweet Sixteen of Things More Likely to Happen to You Than Picking a Perfect March Madness Bracket
Your next tweet will go viral, attracting the attention of your biggest celebrity crush and leading to a passionate affair. (1 in 40.3 billion)
The Exact Cause and Date of Your Death Based on Your Favorite Breakfast Cereal
Trix: You, a 55-year-old with no children, are trampled to death during a trip to the ball pit by a group of angry second graders.
Taoist Truisms for the Age of Surveillance Capitalism
Release the need for meaningless trivia and you will never Google again. If you still thirst for knowledge, there’s always DuckDuckGo.
A Descent into Insanity, As Told Through Covid Test Swag Stickers
Day 8: Another test, and another sticker. This one has a pile of crimson and golden autumn leaves with the “We’re in this together!” slogan.