You Can Do Anything You Want in Life, As Long as You Get Past the Crushing Weight of Reality
Maybe you could just be an accountant who wears a tiara and pets a teacup poodle whilst shoveling through student loan debt for the rest of her life.
Tag: Future
Playful Cheeseburger Sliders, Motherly Advice, and a Sincere Apology
Glen Lentil goes patty wild, our horoscope writer just wants what's best for you, and a pool manager owns up to an honest mistake.
DIY Bird Feeders and Everyday US Patriots
Join our new big-name columnists for a savory summer of defining opinions. Foodie life, advice, home improvement, interviews, and horoscopes.
I Am the All-Knowing Supercomputer Programmed by White Guys to Be Super Inclusive
Kyle and Derek began training me on all subject matters of the world like philosophy and what Derek would refer to as “dank-ass internet shitposts.”
The Mini-Country of San Asino Wants Some Skin in the Space Race to Mars
Skip the endless interplanetary travels and instead, parachute your rovers from Earth orbit into the welcoming atmosphere of San Asino’s city park.
A Sweet Sixteen of Things More Likely to Happen to You Than Picking a Perfect March Madness Bracket
Your next tweet will go viral, attracting the attention of your biggest celebrity crush and leading to a passionate affair. (1 in 40.3 billion)
The Exact Cause and Date of Your Death Based on Your Favorite Breakfast Cereal
Trix: You, a 55-year-old with no children, are trampled to death during a trip to the ball pit by a group of angry second graders.
Taoist Truisms for the Age of Surveillance Capitalism
Release the need for meaningless trivia and you will never Google again. If you still thirst for knowledge, there’s always DuckDuckGo.
A Descent into Insanity, As Told Through Covid Test Swag Stickers
Day 8: Another test, and another sticker. This one has a pile of crimson and golden autumn leaves with the “We’re in this together!” slogan.
What Your Favorite Cactus Says About You
Beaver Tail Cactus (Opuntia basilaris) – You act a lot tougher than you are, and long for someone to see through your faux exterior.
What I Imagine a Slow News Day Is Like
7:45 AM: I turn the TV on while I make breakfast. The hosts are showing how to make crab cakes for fifteen minutes straight.
I Missed Out on Toyotathon and My Year Is Wasted
You might be thinking, "There will surely be other sales or even another Toyotathon soon." Well, you'd be a category-A asshole to think that.