I’m the Silverfish in Your Bathtub, and I Could Really Use a Break
What did any silverfish ever do to you? We’re barely able to stop ourselves from disintegrating into dust.
Tag: Bathrooms
For Sale: Beautiful New Home, 3 Beds, 3 Baths, and 8,723 Toilets
Everyone in the house could be pissing at the exact same time, which is something you could do if you wanted.
Five Signs You Need a Priest Instead of a Plumber
Only a knowledgeable spiritualist can help you escape the tormented wailing drain voices in your bathroom.
Questions a Pet Owner Asks about Puppy Bath Time or Questions My Showerhead Asks about My Bath Time
Should I be worried that she sometimes sits there with the water spraying her in the face?
I Am Your House, and Renovating Me Again Won’t Fix You
Home Depot can sell you a mirror, but they can't make you see yourself. I've had plenty of time to think while you were crying over "Property Brothers."
Is Your Husband Pooping or Building the First Working Model of a Commuter Spaceship?
Does he have his phone? A) Yes and he’s very active on a thread about sending things down "The Alaska Pipeline." B) Negative. There’s no 5G in 0g.
This Soothing Victorian Era Ambiance Will Remind You That You Didn’t Die of Scarlet Fever at Age 13
Set aside your worries caused by modern nuisances such as technology, automobiles, and the invention of antiseptics.
The Total Amount of Money in Each of Our Swear Jars Since 147 Chilean Rose Hair Tarantulas Invaded Our Home
Dining Room Swear Jar: $1 Dark Corner Of The Attic Swear Jar: $57 Home Office Swear Jar: $0
I Wrote the “Cool S” on Every Bar Bathroom Wall, and the Pandemic Has Been Hard for Me
Some of my other ubiquitous work is "Call Your Mom" and "Single-Line, Semi-Erect Penis and Balls, With Hair Sprigs."
36 Hours in My Studio Apartment
Can We Chat?, 5 PM: Hop off the couch and back on Zoom with a terse smile pasted to your face. Don’t forget to put your shirt back on!
Now That I’ve Started Using a Bidet, I Realize That My Butthole Is Never Where I Think It Is
Each time, I smugly think to myself, “I’m right on this time.” I am not right on. Not ever. It always seems to be further back than I think.
An Open Letter from an Unwanted Jar of Vaseline
I feel like you’ve been kind of distant lately. Hanging out with those new fancy ass moisturizers and toners you bought on sale at Sephora.