Wrap yourself from the neck down in Saran Wrap, and then ask a friend to spray lukewarm water between you and the plastic with a garden hose.
I Don’t Want Children but I Am Sad That I’ll Never Gain the Miraculous Strength to Lift a Car Off a Baby
My mom has always wanted me to lift cars like she did: a hatchback off my sister, an SUV off my brother, and the family van off me.
I send Joey down the slide delivering truth bombs like: GRAMMY SPOILS ME---AT LEAST SHE WOULD IF CONGRESS WASN’T PILFERING HER SOCIAL SECURITY.
Enjoy hiding your emerging pregnancy bump under cozy oversized sweaters and finding the best OBG/YN for your star sign.
I don’t need to remind you about the “Flower Pot Fiasco," the “Macaroni Art Disaster," or the “I Thought It Wasn’t Until Next Month” flop.
Mabel has seen it all. She started in shapes, but quickly moved onto colors before being promoted to Creative Director within a year.
Garrett P. is from Birmingham and looking for love. Dan R. is from Birmingham and does not care that there is less than 25% support for banning abortion.
As we are the first of our species to inspect this planet called Earth, we have sent…
That air of unbridled exhilaration and freedom you had? We always have that look, Todd. Because we never have to deal with your wretched offspring.
Bonjour, Karen who sits next to me at work. I know how much you judge me for eating peanut butter out of the jar with a fork during lunch.
I know I certainly didn't fight my way through twelve miles of wilderness with no face to allow big government to turn all of our kids autistic.
They just don’t seem to realize that, in a prank-war, these things just happen. It's no one’s fault, and nothing anyone should get in trouble for.