My Wife and I Are Child-Free, Todd
That air of unbridled exhilaration and freedom you had? We always have that look, Todd. Because we never have to deal with your wretched offspring.
Tag: Babies
I Tried Cryotherapy and Now I’m a Stone Cold Bitch
Bonjour, Karen who sits next to me at work. I know how much you judge me for eating peanut butter out of the jar with a fork during lunch.
I Had My Face Torn Off By a Bear and Lived to Write This Op-Ed About Vaccination
I know I certainly didn't fight my way through twelve miles of wilderness with no face to allow big government to turn all of our kids autistic.
I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason
They just don’t seem to realize that, in a prank-war, these things just happen. It's no one’s fault, and nothing anyone should get in trouble for.
The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy
Is there any way to make the heartburn shoot actual flames out of our mouths? That would be a nice party trick.
The Newborn’s Guide to Saving Up for Retirement
You can Airbnb your crib to other infants and sleep in your playpen. Make sure to charge them for the blanket, the mobile, and the cleaning fee.
List: Hip Hop Artist or Item Found in Our Pediatrician’s Office?
Lìllèbaby? Big Freedia? Baby Tear$? Is it a French rapper? Or a needlessly complicated baby carrier?
Christmas Letter from the Millers
When not studying, Teddy enjoys playing with action figures despite the fact that he's a grown man. Johnny, my feral child, fathered a couple of kids.
Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member
The only drawback I can see here is that aluminum crumples up, so you’re going to want to make sure you don’t accidentally sit on your aluminum gun.
Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity
A skateboard is cool. No need for safety gear, either. You obviously don’t give a shit what happens to your grandkids, so a helmet would be confusing.
We Must Remember Gulak the Baby-Eater as a Patriot, Not an Eater of Babies
Consider all the babies that Gulak didn't devour. This country is full of succulent babies that weren't eaten by Gulak at all, not even a little bit.
Famously Unethical Psychological Experiments Re-Envisioned for Millennials
A phoneless participant will be quizzed about Buffy. If they get an answer wrong, another participant will be instructed to send a text to an ex.