5 Ways to Get Your Newborn to Fall Asleep While Dane Cook Waits in Your Living Room to Make Out
A stupid newborn baby wailing away doesn't care that you're about to make out with the King of Sting himself. Here's how to shut that brat up.
Tag: Babies
Opening Statement from Congressional Conservatives Following Historic Tax Bill Approval
Good afternoon, America! We've recently learned that humor is the best way to break bad news. Good thing the new tax bill is great news!
10 Time-Saving Beauty Tips From a New Mom
Get ready to flip that Jean Nate-age, time-consuming beauty philosophy into a beauty routine that fits into the 30 seconds you have to pee.
Why I Love “The Handmaid’s Tale”: A Review by Michelle Duggar
I thought I was good at dressing my body like a burlap sack of potatoes, but I have been outdone! Women are all just floating heads with robot arms.
I’m Totally Against Abortion, Except in Cases of Ugly Women
We all know abortion is wrong. Bad. But sometimes the mother is so disgusting and fat from being pregnant, we really don't want that baby.
My Kid Has Usurped My Wife’s Breasts
I love Gabe. He's half me. And I’m sure that fact has something to do with his literal clinginess to Kristina's quadruple-D, turn-to-see milk-pillows.
Help, Babies are Stealing My Friends!
One day soon you will wake up and all of your friends will have babies. And you will think, "But we haven't gone to New Zealand or the Playboy Mansion Party yet!"
Four Tips for Hosting Rosemary’s Baby Shower
Baby shower timing is important. Too late and Rosemary may be dead after the Antichrist rips out of her stomach. Too soon and she'll have no baby bump to sport!
Your Wedding was Stupid and Your Baby is Ugly
Lately it seems like all of my friends are getting married or pregnant. I thought I had a few more years before they all lost their damn minds, but apparently 20 is a great age to give up on life.