The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.
When Bob Ross painted you, he always put the trees in front of you. Don't wonder why.
Are you fucking with me? Because if you are, I swear to God that, with ZERO hesitation, I will absolutely let you do that.
Now I’m halfway to the table, and this bowl is burning my fucking hands off.
Why does Pac-Man have to eat us? We’re starting to doubt the “we’re a family” ethos he’s always mentioning while he races after us, lips flapping.
- “Economically anxious” strawberries - The blackberries of our discontent - The raspberries of road rage
Has that ever happened to you? Where your body is moving but your mind starts to dissociate? I bought party hats! Who wants one?
Driver’s Seat of The Car You Still Haven’t Paid Off: If your ancient Volvo is visibly shaking from your pent-up emotions, then you know you’re doing it right!
The Summer Person is permitted to remark out loud a phrase along the lines of “This town is so quaint” a total of (1) time.
Aside from praying for the catastrophic downfall of the entire human race, Satan's honestly a pretty reasonable guy.
I am going to yell into a pillow. I am going to scream in an empty car. I am going to throw a full tantrum in the grocery store cereal aisle.
The alert system will be preceded by two sharp tones — "Hey! HEY!" — followed by "Listen, Buster."