America | Page 35 | Points in Case

Tag: America

My therapy center is called "Hammer Out Your Dance Demons," and is funded exclusively by me and by none of my family’s $200+ million fortune.

The Philadelphia Museum of Art, somehow, contains a large painting of me having my ass beat with a hammer, wielded by a man who I have never met.

The only thing that stops a bad kid with a dream is a good fully grown adult with a Twitter account. Please heed these social media tips.

Wheat Grass: You are health conscious and enjoy taste bud masochism. Scotch: You are a lawyer and you’ve been to 13% of your son’s baseball games.

Firstly, the phrase, “I know all the words to 'Space Oddity'” is not the best way to start off an application to NASA.

Everyone knows I’m a patriot, but being eaten by a pack of mega-wolves with no natural predators ain’t exactly dying for your country.

“Give me a lawyer penguin.” This suspect would like to be represented by Danny Devito’s Penguin from the classic Batman Returns.

To: Juliet Miller <[email protected]> Subject: Your Last Chance to Get Up On This

Let's get right into the meat of it: immigration. We're going to stop saying "carne" in this country, aren't we, Mr. President?

Who's in favor of ending "gun-free zones" and replacing them with "free gun zones"? The answer to every question in America is "more."

Facing 20 to 1 underdog odds, the American Men's Curling team somehow took down powerhouses like Canada and Roomba for the gold medal.

While I am from California and a girl, I did not grow up inhaling the sea breeze, or riding shotgun in the red Jeep of a blonde guy named Chad.