Please Vote For Me, I’m Exactly Who You Said You Wanted
Some of you have commented on social media asking, “Why are you an angry lesbian who’s trying to take a nice man’s place at the Congress? Also, fat.”
Some of you have commented on social media asking, “Why are you an angry lesbian who’s trying to take a nice man’s place at the Congress? Also, fat.”
If a troll eats my head, how will I spread the message that wielding trolls is a God-given right?
It’s about putting yourself in the life-threatening, strenuous situations that past generations did their utmost to avoid and drank to forget.
Sometimes there’s perfection in having flaws. Until one man remains. Or woman. Or...How does "Guess Who" work again?
The liberals, they're wrong, we can't ban guns. Even if we made guns illegal, someone would reinvent guns and just call them something else.
My therapy center is called "Hammer Out Your Dance Demons," and is funded exclusively by me and by none of my family’s $200+ million fortune.
The Philadelphia Museum of Art, somehow, contains a large painting of me having my ass beat with a hammer, wielded by a man who I have never met.
The only thing that stops a bad kid with a dream is a good fully grown adult with a Twitter account. Please heed these social media tips.
Wheat Grass: You are health conscious and enjoy taste bud masochism. Scotch: You are a lawyer and you’ve been to 13% of your son’s baseball games.
Firstly, the phrase, “I know all the words to 'Space Oddity'” is not the best way to start off an application to NASA.
Everyone knows I’m a patriot, but being eaten by a pack of mega-wolves with no natural predators ain’t exactly dying for your country.
“Give me a lawyer penguin.” This suspect would like to be represented by Danny Devito’s Penguin from the classic Batman Returns.