The annual Red Bull Wololo Age of Empires 2 event was concluded on Sunday evening after a fine week of skirmishing and fracas-ing with the intermittent German internet the only thing putting a dampener on the event. But actually, what else was noticeable was the distinct lack of representation of the equestrian variety (the AOE2 diversity panel really dropped the ball on this one). Why could it be that a game that features a plethora of both humans and horses could be so popular with one ethnic group but not the other? Let’s dive in mane-first and find out why.
Perhaps logistically the Red Bull-arranged tournament that took place in a faraway land was a bridge too far for our marginalized horsey friends.
As far as I’m aware horses aren’t allowed to carry any discernible form of identification on their person (or on their “horsen”) which would no doubt have caused horsey havoc for the TSA when boarding the flight over to Heidelberg Castle. I believe it was Shakespeare who said, “Man and nay, even beast need to be accounted for when thou approacheth foreign lands,” so to have a horse galloping around a 1,000-year-old Renaissance structure with no way of being identified would probably make the organizers of the event a bit uneasy. Not only that but speaking from personal experience, when someone is referred to as “hung like a horse” they’re usually considered to be a very dangerous being that is scary to know, so to actually be a hung horse and boarding a Boeing 747 to a German castle (Germans are also known to be hung like horses, hence the sausages) would probably raise a few red flags.
I could spend the rest of this segment explaining why horses don’t have the cognitive abilities (nor the opposable thumbs) to play a game of Tic Tac Toe, let alone a modern Real-Time-Strategy video game but that would simply be a waste of mine and your time. I’m happy with my conclusion that discrimination and the lack of horse-pockets in which passports can be carried to be the reason why no horse lifted the Wololo Cup this year. The haters will say this article is ludicrous attempt at faux-outrage and that I’m a anthropomorphizing a mere gentile beast, but to you I say, the evidence is there.
What If Mission Impossible Became Mission Plausible?
With the big news that little Tom Cruise is filming the latest in the Mission Impossible franchise in Birmingham, whilst enjoying the best curries the second city has to offer, we ponder a question of plausibility.
The lads at Merriam-Webster describe impossible as “incapable of being or of occurring” which back in 1996 even the most optimistic of Tom Cruise superfans would still have described the chance of Mission Impossible 9 (NINE).
Much like a footballing videoprinters flanked by another pint-sized-impossible-success-considering-talent Jeff Stelling, we are at the stage of text accompaniment to the number as it’s so shocking, it needs Roman Script accompaniment.
Arbroath 9 (NINE) — Inverness Caledonian Thistle 0 — (Own goal — Wee Willy McTosh)
So whilst we look through the synopses we actually realize there could be ground to file under the Trade Descriptions Act 1968 CHAPTER 29…
Mission Impossible 1 (ONE) your honor…
Ethan Hunt is framed for the murder of his IMF team during a botched mission in Prague and accused of selling government secrets to an arms dealer known only as “Max.” On the run, Ethan seeks to uncover the real traitor and clear his name.
Bit annoying old Cruise got framed for murder and many a thing has gone wrong in Prague as every human male who has a not-so-creative best man/groom-to-be combo can attest. Cruiser only need ask any of the 93,000 dreary eyed stag arrivals to London Stansted to find that out, poor prep son.
And yes, being accused of things isn’t nice but come on, are people going to believe these folk when they can only come up with the name ‘Max’?
I reckon Cruisey can get out of this, so I’m branding Mission Impossible 1 (ONE) not plausible but probable.
Moving on to Mission Impossible 2 (TWO)…
Evil alien ruler Xenu kills millions of aliens (Thetans) from around the universe by kidnapping them, bringing them to earth in golden DC-8 “space-planes” & blowing them up inside volcanoes with hydrogen bombs.
The big brained and astute among you will have realized this is in fact not the synopsis to the 2000 sequel Mission Impossible 2 (TWO) but is in fact a key tenet of the funny religion Scientology to which Cruisy subscribes.
If you believe that you’ll believe anything, including your chances of getting out of being accused of selling secrets to a fella called Max.