Kevin: Dude, how come you don't have a boat? You make enough money.
Me: A boat, dude. No way. Besides, I'm bad with money.
Kevin: Bad with money? You're not bad with money. You're a fucking drunk.
Me: I guess there is that.

Me: Just how often do you mention me from the pulpit?
Mom: Not too often.
Me: How often is not too often?
Mom: Bi-weekly at most.
Me: That's kind of embarrassing for me.
Mom: Yeah, well I thought about that and then I remembered that I'm lucky if you go to church once a year so you can just suck it up and deal.
Me: Thanks, Mom.
Mom: Don't mention it.

Kevin: That's a great strip club.
Me: No it's not.
Kevin: Dude, there's no cover and the drinks are cheap. I would make that my regular bar if I lived down here.
Me: It would be an awesome regular bar. But it's not a great strip club.
Kevin: Well, it's the only game in town so I win and you lose.
Me: Lose what?
Kevin: Your sense of strip club superiority.
Me: Uhh? okay.
Kevin: Yeah, come to terms with that, buddy.
Me: It'll be tough but I'll manage.

Me: I think I'm drunk.
Kevin: And what do you think was the cause of that?
Chip: I know this one: the fact that he's been drinking since lunch.
Me: Oh yeah. I guess that'll do it.
Kevin: Useless fucking lush.

Kevin: You are the most pathetic fisherman I've ever seen.
Me: At least I can throw a football.
Kevin: I can throw a football.
Me: At least I can throw a spiral.
Kevin: Well, I happen to think that the spiral is an overrated way of throwing a football.
Me: You happen to be wrong.
Kevin: That's what you say, buddy.

Me: It was good seeing you again. Same time next year?
Kevin: I guess so. I mean, if I'm still alive, you know, and?
Me: Here.
Kevin: You interrupting?
Me: Bastard?
Kevin: Fuck?
Me: You?
Kevin: Yeah, dude. Fuck you.

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