First off, when you're watching Penn State, don't ask what a Nittany Lion is. And definitely don't ask if Nittany Lions are cute.
When you watch games at lunch with your coworkers, keep the catchphrases you're working on in your head. Sure, someone had to be the first to say, “He's on fire!” and “From Downtown!” but it won't have the same energy when you say, “Baby Needs that Milk!”
Try to avoid admitting that you don't know something. When someone mentions “that Marquette shot from '97,” nod and say something noncommittal like, “Hoo yeah, that ol' can of worms!”
Don't ever bring in soup for lunch. One of the guys will say that you look like someone who WOULD eat soup for lunch. This has nothing to do with March Madness, but it really hurts.
Whenever someone gets angry about “flopping,” they mean players pretending to be fouled. Don't mention anything about penises.
That one coach might look a lot like your grandma's neighbor, but none of your coworkers know who that is. Pulling up a photo of him will raise more questions than it's worth.
When someone asks what you “need from the game,” they mean for your bet to win. Don't say, “For the players to share a fun memory.”
If you respond to “Nancy” even once, that will be your new nickname. But if it happens, try to roll with it. Remember—making friends in your thirties isn't easy.
I promise you, no matter how many parallels you might see, this particular game is nothing like Pitch Perfect 2.
Maybe don't name your bracket, “Mommy's Perfect Little Man.”
And speaking of brackets, they're going to insist that you fill one out. Just guess who wins each game. Comparing SAT requirements for each school will take too long.
If they ask about your thoughts on complicated defense strategies, reassert yourself by saying that your favorite defense is karate. (This is also a subtle way to bring up your orange belt.)
Don't ask if you can “pop over to Property Brothers during halftime.” Their silence will speak volumes.
It's probably not a good idea to make a joke about texting “Mike Jordan” for insider information. And if you do, and no one responds, don't repeat it louder.
And finally, if any of the guys from work bring up women's basketball, they won't.