Spider 1 held the Arachnid World Record for fastest 100-centimeter dash.

Spiders 2 and 4 were siblings, but not twins.

Although Spiders 1, 3, 6, 7, and 8 were named Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, and Zeppo, they were not siblings.

Spiders 5 and 6 were siblings and lovers. Sorry, just reporting the facts here! We do not condone spider incest (“spincest”).

On the day he died, Spider 3 was almost finished learning Wonderwall on acoustic guitar. So actually you did everyone a favor by swallowing him. Thank you for your service.

From time to time, Spider 8 enjoyed relaxing on the beach with four books and a refreshing white wine spritzer.

Spider 8 was banned from Goodreads for her particularly scathing review of Jonathan Franzen’s latest novel.

When Spider 6 crawled into your open mouth, he was running from someone. We don't know who was chasing him.

If Spiders 1 and 2 left Philadelphia on a southbound train traveling 120mph, and Spiders 3, 4, and 5 left Washington, DC on a northbound train traveling 140 MPH, then how many spiders did you swallow while sleeping on trains last year? (Answer: Five. Maybe you shouldn't sleep on future train rides… unless you like swallowing spiders in your sleep, you sick fuck.)

Spider 1 would have tasted better with Worcestershire sauce.

Ironically, Spider 1 couldn’t pronounce the word “Worcestershire.”

Spider 6 was afraid of Spider 7, because 7-8-9. (Guess that clears up who Spider 6 was running from!)

For the previous fact to make sense, you need to know the number 8 (“eight”) is pronounced like the verb “ate” (the past tense of “to eat”) in most English regional accents. It’s humor—get it?

Because Spider 7 ate Spider 9 before he tip-toed down your esophagus, you technically swallowed nine spiders in your sleep last year.

Turns out Spider 9 was pregnant before Spider 7 gobbled her up, so you swallowed 958 spiders in your sleep last year. Gross!

Whoops, we just received word that Spider 9 laid her egg in your spouse’s mouth before Spider 7 ate her, so you’re back to nine swallowed spiders last year (but your spouse swallowed 957).

Not to harp on the whole Spider 9-Egg-Math thing, but upon reviewing footage from that night we discovered you made out extensively with your spouse right after Spider 9 laid her egg. So actually, either one of you could have swallowed it.

Spider 4 never had the chance to accomplish her lifelong dream of writing an award-winning screenplay because SOMEONE swallowed her before she completed her bucket list. Now you must achieve this goal in her honor. Thankfully, you already have four unfinished screenplays on your laptop to choose from.

We took the liberty of peeking at your screenplays. They’re garbage. No one cares about the year you rode a train every day and your life changed forever; you aren’t funny, so you can toss out the two “comedy” scripts, and we can’t believe this needs to be said, but there’s already a whole movie franchise starring Alec Baldwin called The Boss Baby.

Spider 4 loved The Boss Baby, but she would have hated the sequel, The Boss Baby 2: Family Business.

Remember Spider 9’s egg? Don’t look now, but I think we figured out who swallowed it… which brings the official number of spiders you swallowed in your sleep last year back up to 958. Wow, that’s a lot of spiders!


MORE LIKE THIS