By staff writer Harold Longfellow, Ph.D.
March 4, 2007
Another week, another article, and a few more quick mental debates on whether, at this point, suicide could possibly lower my quality of life. Somehow, though, I’m back here again putting pen to paper for your amusement, and I certainly hope you appreciate it. Actually, “hope” is too strong of a word—I have no delusions of your ability to appreciate my art. Let’s go with “idly daydream.” I idly daydream that you appreciate it. Much better.
This week’s topic is “ninja.” If you have suggestions for future articles, feel free to leave them in the comments. Unfortunately, right now, when I need topics I’m forced to dull my own intellect with unhealthy amounts of alcohol to think on your level.
This is a film worth reviewing, and, considering the tripe with which I am usually inundated, that’s quite a statement. There are special effects—not good ones, granted, but they exist, and that’s certainly a high point for internet film. The plot, again, while poorly conceived, is present and therefore earns points. The costumes and props are surprisingly adequate, and I was able to easily ignore most of the dialogue. All these factors combine to make what is, all in all, a tolerable film. Unfortunately, we both know what that means—things can only go downhill from here. Actually, you might not have been able to figure that one out.
Mark Cubans: 3 (of 4)
See, didn’t I say it would be downhill? One thousand dollars to the person who kills the man in this video so that his hideous visage stops haunting me while I sleep. I would rather pry off my own fingernails with a rusty spoon than ever have to witness what I just watched again. I weep for our future.
Mark Cubans: 0 (of 4)
I used to think you were all barbarians for the schadenfreude that consumes you, but it appears that it is, in fact, true that if you spend enough time amongst animals, you become one yourself. I truly enjoyed this film—the quality was reasonable, the climax came quickly (and yes, unlike all of you, I am capable of abstaining from premature ejaculation jokes), and a man who clearly did not have brain cells to spare had a few more taken from him for our enjoyment. His attempt to rise and continue his stunt was so pitiful that, were people of his IQ level not the bane of my existence, I would almost have felt some sympathy.
Mark Cubans: 2.5 (of 4)
This film is a perfect example of what is lost when plot and character development are completely ignored. We have a character who is utterly incongruent, terrorizing joggers in between practicing his art on a crowded beach. Like so many martial arts movies, the hero’s motivations are ignored in favor of stunts and action, and the result is a film that can never rise about its B-movie status. This movie is rife with potential, but its failure to address some of the most important aspects of cinema is unforgivable.
I’m sorry; I got caught up in writing above a third grade level. There is a ninja. He does kicks. Sometimes he scares girls.
Mark Cubans: 2 (of 4)
I suppose that as a public figure of sorts, it is my duty to assuage your inane fears by reminding you that, in fact, none of the people in these videos are actually ninjas. If they were, they would most certainly hunt down every last one of you—but that would be a just, joyous world, and God clearly won’t allow me to have that.