Well the New Year celebrations have all finished (unless you follow the lunar calendar, then they haven't even begun yet) and surely you're sober enough to read again. Personally, I did "fuck all" on New Year's Eve, because I managed to contract strep throat a few days prior. So when the ball dropped, I was actually in bed trying my damnedest not to swallow (no homo). Needless to say, I am not exactly ringing in the new year well, unless you count the ringing in my ears from my swollen tonsils. I should also mention that I'm on Percocet to numb the pain in my throat right now, so if this is a little disjointed and weird, let's just blame it on the drugs.

Here are a few things I'm looking forward to in 2011.

Better Wikileaks

So far we've seen a video of a helicopter massacre, two war diaries, cablegate, and the promise of some banking crap, but honestly, I've been kind of disappointed with the material being leaked so far. Call me crazy, but I was under no illusion that innocent people weren't getting massacred in war or that politicians and war practices weren't corrupt. Is this really shocking news that needs leaking to the general public? I think the most shocking thing about all of this is that it isn't already common knowledge, but then silly me, I was actually shocked when Bush got reelected, so what the hell do I know.

Julian Assange on TV talk show
I fucked an alien and now my wiki leaks all kinds of weird shit.

I want some serious shit to come out of Julian Assange's little albino leaking wiki, like he just fucked an alien with chlamydia! In fact that is exactly what I want: proof of aliens or something equally as shocking that the general educated public won't just say, "um…duh" to. He can stuff all this "politicians are corrupt and innocent people die in war" horse shit up his albino ass. I knew all those facts before; we all knew them (well, those of us who can read).

So listen up you little Australian albino, you better come up with something better in the new year than "banks are corrupt too" if you want to shock this columnist with a scandalous revelation. Oh and here's a little free advice: stop raping Swedish girls and your leaking wiki might actually get better.

Another Apocalypse

Girl with apocalypse warning on a car
May 22nd, 2011. Save The Date, for extensive therapy.

Man do I love a good apocalypse! Lately it seems not a year can go by without some major faction of religious nuts screaming that the end of days are coming as foretold in the Bible. What I love about this is that these people dedicate the rest of their "perceived" lives to the cause of spreading the word about the impending doom. Many of them quit their jobs, spend all their savings, lose touch with their families/friends, and spend years doing nothing more but focusing on the end as it is so clearly written to them. Nothing gives me more rapture than waking up the day after their so-called apocalypse and thinking, "Well at least I didn't waste years of my life on something that was complete and total bullshit."

Think about that for a second. What a total mind fuck these people must experience after realizing that the years they spent focusing on this one thing was all for absolutely nothing! Now everyone doesn't just "think" they are crazy, but it has been totally confirmed by their own continued daily existence after the day comes and goes without incidence. Wow, that always makes me feel like no matter how bad a day I'm having, I can be grateful that at least I wasn't one of those poor bastards.

Family Radio Worldwide, the independent Christian ministry led by Harold Camping, has calculated May 21st 2011 as the end of the world. So on May 22nd, I want everyone to wake up and think about how great it is that you aren't a freaking religious nut case. Besides, everyone knows we're all going to die in 2012 when the Mayan calendar expires anyway.

Original "New" Movies

Indiana Jones with famous hat on
"You're not the man I knew ten years ago."
I love movies and have also been known to watch the same movie over and over and over again. I'm actually really excited for this year's new and totally original movies. I heard that there might be, um…one…maybe. Oh I have no idea what it is, but don't you think it's about time for it? It has to happen eventually and I have a good feeling about this year, although I said that last year too, so what do I know. I mean at this point we're watching remakes of remakes with cameos of the original stars appearing in the remakes. I'm actually starting to wonder if they will release a movie and then less than a decade later, remake it again with the exact same starring cast as the original, only with more makeup.

Seriously, are we out of new ideas? Are they just all gone and everyone is afraid to admit it for fear of mass panic? Even the idea that all new ideas are gone isn't a new idea anymore. Whatever, I love a good vampire/werewolf story anyway and I'm sure there's a new angle there somewhere to be exploited. What if the werewolves sparkled this time?! Oh man, I can't wait! Or, I know, what about a new Indiana Jones movie! Oh, someone already thought of that? Hey, that was MY idea!

Lindsay Lohan Getting Better

I'm not going to say much about her in 2011 that hasn't been said a million times before in 2010. Oh, who am I kidding, I probably will anyway though. What I'm really looking forward to in 2011 is seeing this girl get her shit together. Not because I actually care about her, but because I'm running out of jokes about her. Seriously, I think I have used up every single joke I can think of regarding LiLo, and that's saying something. The only way I can ever see coming up with new material regarding Lohan is if she actually does something different for a change. So hang in there LiLo, this comedic writer is actually pulling for you, because contrary to the rest of the world, I get tired of your same old shit.

Lindsay Lohan sits in court with 'Fuck u' painted on her fingernail
Don't judge me. No seriously, Judge, please don't judge me!

Betty White's Death

I know I'm going to catch holy hell from Ashley Garmany over this, but I just can't help it. Betty White is so totally screwed in 2011 and I'm fairly certain even Betty White knows it! Look, I loved The Golden Girls as much as the next person, but you can't ignore the simple truth that a plan has been set in motion here and it absolutely must come to fruition. Estelle Getty died in 2008, Bea Arthur in 2009, Rue McClanahan in 2010…you do the math!

Betty White from Golden Girls on a fake movie poster
Her silence in 2012 will be simply golden.
Now, one of two things is going on here: either the Golden Girls made a comedic pact with Lucifer and he is finally coming to collect, or Betty White is actually the Highlander and systematically eliminated the other three for the immortality. Either way, Betty White is no saint and she knows it. But I guess only time will tell. I have never been much of a believer in the supernatural, probably because these foretold Biblical apocalypses keep turning out to be complete horseshit, but the odds of this actually happening almost speaks to a higher power here. Betty White's death in 2011 could be the closest thing we ever get to proof that there is a higher level of order to the universe.

You know she's toast, I know she's toast, and hell, even Betty White knows she's toast. Why do you think we have seen this massive resurgence in her career in the past year? She's doing her bucket list! I even heard she has a calendar coming out for crying out loud! Sorry Garmsy, but if you love her that much, you better make sure you get her muffin now, while it's still warm!

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