Norm: We sent 4,000 Marines to the Middle East today.
Me: Good for them.
Norm: How so?
Me: They won't have to watch this pathetic attempt at refereeing.
Norm: Yeah, I'll bet that makes them feel better.

Replacement NFL referee giving a thumbs up sign
A replacement ref responding to a player's question, "Do you support the troops?"
The Middle East is imploding. Or exploding. Or something. I'm not really sure. On the eleventh anniversary of the last successful terrorist attack on American soil, riots and attacks broke out all across the Middle East and the media wants me to believe that all of these attacks and riots are the direct result of a lousy movie that no one wanted to work on, let alone see. I do not believe what the media tells me as a matter of rule. If the media says that American embassies are being attacked because of an internet movie I laugh a lot. And then I look for the real reason American embassies are being attacked and the real reason is almost always the same: the United States is trying to overtly influence the governmental structure of oil producing nations. Hey, it happens. Oil is important. And anyway, it's not like these oil producing countries don't cash American checks. Politics is a dirty game and the media are lying whores and holy shit do these replacement referees suck.

How in the holy hell of all that happens to hearten hookers does a ref let himself get pushed in an NFL game? I mean, are you seeing this here? These Zebras are putting the ball in the wrong spots after fouls, they're missing easy calls, they're giving away extra timeouts and worst of all they cannot even seem to control the game. These players are running around Lord of the Flies style. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the smaller players gets eaten next week. I mean, what a horrific affront to the game of football and its fans. This kind of indignity should not be served to the American people via television nor any other medium. Just awful. It's enough to make me change the channel and watch the news.

But every time I watch the news, I learn that one little internet video can cause the organized assassination of an Ambassador to the United States, ten or so riots, and an opinion from Mitt the Snit Romney. I can't handle that kind of news. And by that kind of news, I mean, straight up lies. How can anyone expect us to believe that these attacks aren't the direct result of overwhelming US military presence in foreign countries? They've seen how we operate. If you have oil, we come in and take it in the name of God and Country because we're patriots and we value our freedom (not yours). And that's not the kind of reality I want to face and so I watch football.

And while watching football I see a referee get pushed by a player and not only does the player stay in the game (inexcusable), he doesn't even get penalized. How in the holy hell of all that happens to hearten hookers does a ref let himself get pushed in an NFL game? That ref might as well have written "Fresh Meat" on his jersey and officiated the rest of the game pantsless. Hell, he probably would have got more respect had he done exactly that. How can anyone let this happen to football? It's an abomination, I swear.

I just can't…

Okay so it was funny at first. I laughed repeatedly at the pathetic attempts of junior high level officials working NFL games but now, just like that moment in every attempt at horseplay where someone draws blood, shit has got to stop because shit is getting real. We need the real referees back to put some semblance of order in the NFL.

It's one thing to live in a country that is constantly accused of manipulating global markets and masterminding foreign governmental structures, but it's quite another to watch NFL games suffer.

We, as a nation, need to remember what is important:

And what's important is football.


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