>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
April 14, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Rapper Lil' Kim Charged With Obstruction

By Larry Neumeister, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK – Rapper Lil' Kim was charged Wednesday with conspiracy to commit perjury, making false statements and obstructing justice in connection with a 2001 shootout involving her entourage that left one man wounded.

Making false statements? Oh god, please don't tell me she's not actually little!

She turned herself in at U.S. District Court in Manhattan, where she was scheduled to appear in court later in the day.

Oh. So it's not like she went SUPER outta the way to turn herself in. I mean, she was gonna be there anyways.

Also charged in the case were Damion Butler, one of her managers, bodyguard Suif Jackson and a friend, Monique Dopwell.

Suif? Pardon me, do you have any three piece suifs? I'm looking for a suif that I could wear to my friends Bar Mitzvah! Ahahahaha. Suif. Ohhh man…I bet he's large and black.

Court papers unsealed Wednesday listed the rapper as Kimberly Jones, but noted that she is known professionally as Lil' Kim.

“Let the record show that Ms. Jones here is Lil.” The judge said, cracking a smile. “Very very Lil'. So Lil' in fact, we cannot even pronounce the whole word Little, for that would connote a sense of size that Ms. Jones here simply does not display.”

Jones, who lives in Englewood, N.J., was accused in an indictment of not cooperating with authorities investigating a Feb. 25, 2001, shootout involving members of her entourage and associates of a rival hip-hopper outside the offices of radio station WQHT, or Hot 97.

WQHT THE FUCQ!?

“These charges are baseless and I'm confident that the case against her will be completely dismissed,” said her lawyer, Mel Sachs.

Baseless? Maybe. Dismissed? Perhaps. Mel Sachs? Maybe. *Three hours later* Completely? Perhaps.

Authorities said they believe the shooting happened as Lil' Kim's entourage was leaving the radio studio and the entourage of the rap duo Capone-N-Noreaga was arriving. One man in the duo's entourage was wounded in the ensuing shootout.

Who do Capone-N-Noreaga think they are? I mean, you cant just put an -N- in the middle of two weird names and expect people to respect you. To give you props. To give you DAP. I…I cant speak Ebonics.

The indictment said Jackson, Butler and at least one other person fired guns. It did not specify a motive for the shootout.

The shots missed Capone and Noreaga but caught -N- right between the eyes. He will be sorely missed.

On three separate occasions last year before a federal grand jury in Manhattan, she testified falsely, saying Butler was not at the radio station the day of the shooting and that she did not know Jackson, prosecutors alleged.

“Testified falsely,” “prosecutors alleged??” What is this Law and Order?! This is only paragraph nine and I've already lost COMPLETE interest in this story.

Sachs said he accompanied his client to the grand jury appearances but was not permitted to sit with her as she testified.

Nut Sachs.

Police have said they believe the shooting happened as Lil' Kim's entourage was leaving the radio studio and the entourage of the rap duo Capone-N-Noreaga. One man in the duo's entourage was wounded.

Who do Capone-N-Noreaga think they….wait a minute. I've made that joke before. Wait a minute, I've read this paragraph before. Do you mean to tell me the Associated Press let this article run with such a huge blunder?! Man, I feel so used. I feel like even this News Jay Kay's credibility has suffered due to this egregious mistake. Wow. I feel really weird right now, I'm gonna let my dog do the rest of this article…I'm, I'm done. Sorry guys, that….that just sucks.

After Lil' Kim surrendered Wednesday, she was processed by U.S. marshals and interviewed by the federal pretrial services department prior to a court appearance.

Roof.

Lawyers for the other defendants could not immediately be identified.

Raise. Roof. Roof.


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