Fuck VH1. No seriously, I fucking hate them. They have the shittiest shows on television, and now it's finally fucked them up their already ripped asshole. Before I begin to show you how VH1's "reality" television just got fucked up by actual real life, I want to take you through the horrible train wreck that was VH1.
I used to love VH1, back when it was a real television station. When I first watched the show, series's like Behind the Music and Movies That Rock would not only entertain, but educate viewers. And of course the Video Countdown controlled what music I listened to throughout my youth. Yup, back in the day VH1 was a real channel with real shows.
The thing I liked most about VH1 was the I Love… series, where they would focus in on events, trends, and people of past decades. They would take unknown comics and give them a topic to rag on.
But then the train wreck began.
In response to MTV's The Real World, where they would gather a group of eight strangers and jam them into a three bedroom apartment, VH1 thought "fuck random strangers, let's cram celebrities into one house!" And what made The Surreal Life better than The Real World was that VH1 didn't have to pray for an attention-grabbing roommate who conflicted with everyone, they simply had to sit back and wait for the celebrities to fight for the spotlight. By the fifth season, The Surreal Life had become a way for celebrities to re-experience their fame vicariously through the show. It was then that America discovered that when you give people a chance to grab 15 minutes of fame, they will never go away.
It puzzled me a little that Bret Michaels, a man who toured America doing drugs and fucking groupies, needed help meeting women.In Season 3 of The Surreal Life, hairless mole-rat Flavor Flav fell madly in love with Sasquatch impersonator Brigitte Nielsen. Their love fling resulted in an entire VH1 show, Strange Love, where viewers could tune in to see the awkward couple bicker and suck face. Why did the producers even think this would be an entertaining show? Flavor Flav has the sexual appeal of a rotting corpse, and Brigitte Nielsen reminds me of a Ninja Turtles villain. On top of that, all they did was quarrel and make out, so watching the show was the same as being the awkward third wheel.
When the destined romance between the two didn't work out, Flavor showed how seriously he took his love life by leaving it up to the producers of VH1. And instead of choosing a selection of classy women who could handle his outrageous personality, they picked a selection of dirty slutty bitches as bat-shit crazy as him.
I think the saddest thing about Flavor of Love was how much America loved it. People loved to see half-naked strippers yelling at one another; it was like a new type of porn fetish. And a favorite with all the viewers was Tiffany Pollard, appropriately nicknamed "New York" because no one fucking liked her. Seriously, she fought with everyone. And not even the cool type of fight with mud and bikinis; these bitches would just get drunk and scream at one another until one of them blacked out. And New York was a self-proclaimed "HBIC" (Head Bitch In Charge), so she took the extra effort to yell at everyone.
Despite all her screaming, New York didn't win Flav's heart, but she made sure to go out with a bang by getting spat on by some bitch named "Pumpkin." And New York's furious bitch attitude got her something more than love: her own show. And continuing the theme of mind-rotting television, New York suddenly found herself in the middle of a group of men begging for her fake affection. But the show wasn't the same without the loveable, Viking-hat wearing Flavor Flav, and America saw itself dealing with a plastic whore who looked sticky to the touch. Regardless, VH1 continued the show through two seasons of torture, and America's patience with VH1 fell one notch.
Realizing that America needs less fake PMSing bitches and more real entertainment, VH1 took a risk and recruited Poison lead singer Bret Michaels to also search for love. It puzzled me a little that a man who toured America doing drugs and fucking groupies needed help meeting women. I would even trust eHarmony.com over the producers of VH1. And just like the shows before it, Rock of Love became a clusterfuck of dirty angry bitches screaming to win Brett's care.
One character in the series appeared in the second season. Megan Hauserman showed that you didn't need to make a fool out of yourself on television to stay in the show. Megan had already starred in the TV show Beauty and the Geek, but thought she would give love a chance with Bret Michaels. And she shocked the world when she proved that you didn't have to be a loud camera whore to get attention. Instead, Megan tried the sophisticated route of silently scheming behind everyone's back in an attempt to wind up on top.
Unfortunately, this tactic still got her eliminated by Bret—but she wasn't done yet. Megan was loved so much by viewers that she was selected to partake in VH1's new shitshow, I Love Money, where contestants trade in their dignity for the chance to win $250,000. The contestants were a star-studded cast of all the assholes in previous celebreality shows, but in no way did that make the show better. If anything, it made it worse, because the producers had nothing planned other than to pump the competitors full of alcohol and watch them fight. They should've titled the show "I Love Attention," because the only thing that evolved from that show was an embarrassment towards the human race.
After Megan properly schemed her way through I Love Money, she received a spot on the Charm School show, where the girls who screamed at one another in the past VH1 shows were properly taught to scream at one another in plaid skirts.
Still not content with her amount of TV time, the VH1 producers gave Megan her own show, Megan Wants a Millionaire, in which she demonstrated that being pretty and acting stupid will get you a rich husband. The only problem with millionaires is that they don't act like 13-year-old girls, and the show's lack of conflict made it as exciting to watch as a car commercial.
BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!
Introducing millionaire Ryan Jenkins. When Ryan wasn't trying to win Megan's affection, he was busy murdering his girlfriend. That's right, a contestant on the VH1 show turned out to be a psychotic murderer. On August 15, Ryan's girlfriend was found stuffed in a suitcase with her teeth and fingers cut off. When police went searching for Ryan, they found him hanging in a hotel room. And not "hanging" like laying around; this motherfucker had a noose around his neck, which definitely got in the way of him appearing on VH1.
One of the scariest things about this situation was that Ryan wasn't eliminated throughout the show. You'd think it wouldn't be difficult to spot a psychotic suicidal murderer in a group of guys, but apparently they're elusive. On top of that, Ryan was the only man to win a solo date with Megan. Does anyone comprehend how horrible that could have been?!
But what made me most upset about VH1 was that they stopped the broadcast of Megan Wants a Millionaire due to the unfortunate event. After years of showing the shittiest television in history they were given a chance to cash in on this publicity, and instead they chose to cancel the show. Do they realize how many people would have liked to see a crazed murderer work his way up the ranks of a reality show?! That's the shit movies are made of!
VH1's celebreality has ruined modern television as we know it, and I demand that it be stopped immediately. The fact that the station became so obsessed with feeble shows that it accidently recruited a mentally deranged killer should be a warning that their antics need to stop.
So fuck you, VH1, for ruining the way people entertain themselves. If you do it again I'll kill you. And then I'll cut your fucking fingers off and stuff you in a suitcase.