I am aware of the sad fact that I am not perfect. This information initially came to me in the form of an ex-boyfriend giving me another girl's ratty shirt (there was no way I owned that thing) when I went to claim my belongings only a day after the split. Thanks Steve, message received, loud and clear. Once I was forced to acknowledge my flaws, I began my "enlightenment phase," in which I began making keen observations on society. I would love some feedback from fellow members of this society on the matters below.

1. Why aren't there licensing laws governing the use of umbrellas?

Woman poked in the eye by an umbrella
If you'll keep an eye out, maybe I can keep mine in.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but people don't run through the streets throwing regulation-sized metal darts at one another on a sunny day. Why is this activity considered acceptable just because it's raining?

Let me elaborate for those of you taller than 5'2". The metal points on umbrellas are quite jagged and can inflict unreasonably large bruises, and in the case of me, a cut right across a right cheek. I get hurt enough on my own, I don't need any assistance in that department. Even if it would be too difficult to implement a licensing system for the use of umbrellas, disastrous as they are especially for short people, an "Umbrella Awareness Class" of sorts is definitely in order. Yes, I agree, this wouldn't even be a thought if our fellow man was courteous enough to at least put tape over the metal things (which I am convinced can cut glass), but guess what? The world doesn't work that way, and for the most part, nobody cares about you.

2. Why does food taste better in an airport?

I have a friend who swears by self-checkout so she can buy condoms without judgment. I for one don't buy enough of those to see the point.Should you not believe me, check out the people on the security line while you simultaneously time how long it takes to get through it. If you are up for the challenge of multi-tasking, you can actually observe everyone put their shoes back on and go to the unhealthiest food stand near their gate (present company included).The line for airport brand shitty pizza takes longer than the security line because travelers must select their own meal; there are no TSA agents pushing you along and guiding this difficult decision between cheese or pepperoni. Thanks to free will, Mary Joe from Middle Earth, Nebraska has the right to take as long as she wants (and trust me she does) to order a slice of cheese pizza and a Diet Pepsi. They should just put a hot plate next to the body scanner and then no one would ever miss a flight.

3. Why do some women decide to shave their head but leave the top part long?

Kesha with half-shaved, half-long hair
If you're not famous, why?
Honestly, if anyone can offer some insight into this, I'd sincerely appreciate it. Off the top of my fully-haired head I can come up with a few possible causes, but nothing stands out as reason enough to sacrifice the appearance of sanity. I have full, voluminous hair and it's a bitch to straighten. If it rains, I'm better off risking potential employment termination than dealing with the situation that once was my locks. Sure, if I had a thin topical layer of hair covering nothing but a bare skull, the aforementioned frizz would be nothing a brisk patting down couldn't fix… until the wind came and exposed my secret to the world. There are no shortcuts here, literally. And let's not forget the awkward growing-in phase. How the hell does that work? Anyone? Bueller?

4. Why do religious fanatics try to impose their views on everyone else rather than focus on what said religion holds most sacred: their own family?

Anyone care to shine light on why the [insert religion here, I don't feel like having a protest outside of my apartment] spend more time worrying about the homosexuals and fornicators than they do preventing little Johnny from knocking up their precious Mary Catherine? Guess what, Betty Mae, the NY Times (yes, I did research—email me for references) did a study back in 2009 which showed that the more religious the state, the higher the teen pregnancy rates. Granted, I Googled "teen pregnancy and religion," but fact is fact. Remind me to look for a crucifix in the next Teen Mom episode I catch.

5. Why must I moonlight as a cashier when others are dying to work?

I have a friend who swears by self-checkout so that she can buy condoms without judgment. Fine, there is an upside, but I for one don't buy enough of those to see the point of self-checkout… and neither does she, so I don't completely understand. First, if I am forced to take on the role of grocery store employee, where is my discount? I worked in retail before and I distinctly remember getting jeans at 40% off. The cost of paying employees is built into the price of my Lucky Charms, thus if I am said employee, I should get a discount. That being said, I can assure you there is someone sitting on Fulton occupying Wall Street just dying to ring up a toothbrush and make a living off of the money CVS builds into the price for that purpose alone.

6. Why do people feel the need to speak of such personal matters on their cell phone in crowded areas?

Sure, Valtrex makes genital herpes seem like a real good time, but something tells me there is much truth missing from several commercials. I just don't understand why I have to hear all about your last trip to the gyno when all I wanted was a coffee and a bagel. Yes, a thanks is in order for the murder of my appetite, thus saving me 500 calories, but in all seriousness, why? What compels a person to speak on such private matters in quiet places, like a bookstore or coffee shop?