>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
April 14, 2004

 

Dear Nicole,

What is the best way of masturbation?

Mike
 

Dear Mike,

Excellent question. It’s essential that you learn to love yourself before you try to love someone else. And you’re in luck: “do-it-yourself” projects are very trendy right now. If you’re not an experienced handy-man and are uncertain how to handle your tool, try to get a grip on things: you have to know how to hold your own before debuting your one-man show.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

 
Dear Nicole,

Well, one of my friends, you see…his mom has passed on. And people (meaning me) always make fun of his mom without thinking…ya know? The occasional “I had sex with your mom” joke…then he says, “Thats sick man…shes dead.” What should I do?

Ducky
 

Dear Ducky,

You can't let something as trivial as your friend's grief and heartache interfere with a perfectly serviceable joke. Besides, how do you know his mom is really dead? If he's so keen on wrecking your fun, tell him you'll be happy to entertain his complaint after he produces a death certificate and an autopsy report.

Sincerely,
Nicole
 

 
Dear Nicole,

OK, I got a huge problem. I like brothers, they both like me, if they find out that I like them both…I'm screwed, what should I do?!?

Jamie
 

Dear Jamie,

Your problem isn't very interesting. How about you write back when you're pregnant and you don't know which brother is the father.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

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