>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
February 11, 2004

Well, here they are: your most humiliating, painful, and (worst of all) sex-free Valentine's Day experiences. And please try to have a really shitty Valentine's Day on Saturday, so we'll have more great stories for next year.



Last year, I got a pair of lovebirds for Valentine's Day. Two weeks later, they died. Two weeks after that, I came down with psittacosis (aka Parrot Fever), a rare disease that only 50 people have been diagnosed with in the past five years. The symptoms were bad: 1) I had a fever of 106 for more than 3 weeks, 2) I couldn’t move my neck, and eventually couldn’t move my back, and finally I was not able to walk, 3) I had a headache worse than any migraine I've ever had, 4) I got pneumonia, 5) then pressure built up around my heart, and 6) I had no appetite. Slowly I was dying and the doctors didn't know why.

The virologist thought I had an unknown viral infection. The infectious disease doctor thought I might have SARS. The neurologist thought I had meningitis and/or encephalitis. The ER doctor just wanted to take blood, a spinal tap, a CAT scan, and an MRI. Then my doctor overheard me talking to my mom about my dead birds…she put two and two together. After one final test, I finally started a treatment that worked. Within two days I could walk, and within a week I was back to normal.

It appears that the Parrot Fever came from the lovebirds… HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ALL!!


On Valentine’s Day, my girl and I spent a nice evening together. We had dinner, relaxed, drank a little, then headed for bed. It was then that she wandered off and blew my neighbor’s best friend in a matter of minutes. Then the next day she had the nerve to ask me if we could stay together. Happy Valentine’s Day huh? Well, after a few months I forgave her and dated the little slut for about three years. She gave the best head ever, but I'd never let her blow me on Valentine's Day.


(Yes, you’ve got to set limits.)
Well, I was dating this guy for a while, and we decide to have sex for the first time on Valentine's Day. We did it that afternoon, and I get a call later that evening…it was him telling me that he wanted to just be friends.

Every Valentine’s Day I sit at home, eat full-fat popcorn in a t-shirt and yoga pants that don’t match, and I don't even have a cat like you… I have Fernando, the woodworking project I made in 7th grade.

Just like you said in your column, last year I went to 7-11 to get a rose and one of the last boxes of chocolates and gave them to my girlfriend. Apparently, the only reason there were so few of the nice heart-shaped boxes of chocolates was because nobody seemed to like the ones with nuts inside them. And as you may have guessed, my girlfriend was allergic to nuts. She ate one of the chocolates and started to choke, and not knowing that there were nuts in it, I laughed at her and told her to take it easy and kinda just kept laughing as her throat closed up. Then she reached for the phone and dialed 911 and gave me the phone… I looked at the box, realized what was going on and explained it to the 911 operator. Needless to say my girlfriend dumped me two days later when she got out of the hospital saying, “You obviously don't pay attention to me enough to know that I'm allergic to nuts.” She never had a problem with mine…. oh well….

My live-in boyfriend and I were pretty poor a few years back and decided on the “creative” Valentine’s Day route. He worked all day, so I decided to cook his favorite *cheap* dinner, Hamburger Helper. I drew him a rose, colored it, and put it with a card I had got for him. He came home to a case of his favorite beer, a candle-lit Hamburger Helper dinner, and a nice card and rose. He didn’t have anything for me, but he did bring his trashed friends home. He complained about the meal and the rose “being corny.”

Last valentines I sat home and sewed a pillow. God, I hate fucking Home Ec.