>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
December 27, 2006


Wow. So my columns haven’t been so weekly anymore, have they? Maybe it’s because I’m busy, alright?! Maybe I have so much to do that I can’t squeeze out a 700-word funny piece all of the time. Maybe, I’m a superhero who just writes for PIC and once you remove that finger from my lip, you can’t tell that I’m actually George W. Bush.

Though, to be honest, I’m not busy. I don’t have a job. I’m out of school for break. I’m newly single. I’m broke. Actually, come to think of it I’m sort of horny now… be right back.

Two Guys on One Girl: Bad. Two Girls on One Dude: Excellent. Two Guys on Two Girls: Confusing.

And that’s what I do all day long: sit here and drink and masturbate. And with all of this jerking off, I’ve come to find there are certain things on free porno websites that just piss me off so much I just… go limp.

Here are a few things that I want changed in the porn world. I hope you agree.

The Bible of Porn

Market well.
Regular people like these categories: Teen, Babes, Big/Small Tits, Asian, Blondes, Brunettes, Hardcore, Softcore and Amateur porn. Serial killers like Old Woman, Baby, Shitting, Ebony, Anime, Bestiality, Hairy, and Redheads. Segregate these please. I don’t want to see Lucille Ball shit on a baby kitten’s chest. You can do this by properly titling your website. When I see www.cartoondoglickingpeanutbutteroffbillcosbynutsack.com, I’ll stay away. I promise.

I’m not cool with the brothers.
Sorry black people. I’m just a lowly white guy who likes to superimpose myself on a situation. I just can’t do that when it’s a different colored cock going into a girl’s puss. I’d say the same for Mongoloids, Indians and Injians, but you just don’t see those cats too often. Besides, the whole Jungle Fever thing went out in the 70’s, baby.

Big thumbnails.
I’m sick and fucking tired of clicking on a small thumbnail of what I think is a hot blonde rubbing her pussy and getting a donkey getting sucked off by a bunch of drag queen midgets instead. I enjoy that too, but I want to get what I expect. It’s like your mom telling you that you’re going to get a laptop for Christmas and you get an iPod shuffle instead. Like last Christmas. Thanks Mom.

Stop giving me a backstory.
I don’t particularly care if Bunni Bigtits was home schooled. I don’t really get hard from Tila Tequila’s SAT scores. My erection is not dependent upon Jenna Haze’s family recipe for cornbread. If you want to show me Bunni sucking on a dildo, dressed in Catholic school girl attire, or Tila Tequila getting fucked on the MCAT, I’m completely down. In fact, I’m 100% for it. Just keep it to fucking, sucking and various other forms of sex stuff.

Also, if you have to use text, run it through a fucking spell check. It takes ten seconds and you misspell shit so often I just want to send you a Strunk & White Elements of Style. With a pipe bomb.

No more ring around the rosy.
I click a thumbnail; it ends up being a link. The new website looks alright, so I click a thumbnail. It ends up being another link to another website. This website then links me to where I started. Show me hairy vagina. If I want to chase the white rabbit, I’ll take LSD.

Link pages are gay.
Apparently, things like “Hot blonde sucking dick” and “Cheerleader getting gang-banged by ten dicks” are whimsical ways of getting me to click on links that show little white guys tittie-fucking big breasted black women. I don’t dig.

Gay sex thumbnails are gay.
Seriously, gay dudes go to gay websites. I’m not curious when I see two dudes fisting each other, I’m disgusted. Give them their voting rights, sure; but be courteous and wipe off every gay porn on the internet. Those dudes have more sex than I do anyways. They’re a very carnal…Lot.

…Get it?

No?

No clue?!

Nevermind. It was a Bible joke. Heh.

Don’t put “Movies” in your website name if you’ve got fucking pictures.
Pics are sometimes nice—your perverted artists are really good at airbrushing those nipples. But when I want to see a picture, I’ll buy a Hustler. Give me motion. Give me locomotion. I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now…C’mon baby. Do the locomotion.

I’m not cool with 5-second clips.
Listen, you’re generating revenue from me just by the click. Have some fucking balls and make your clips last longer than 3 seconds. I can only replay something so many times before I hear the same tone of moan, the same contortion of face and the same wine spewing out of a uterus before it gets tiresome.

Spice up your dialogue.
I’m looking at you, Big Sausage Pizza.

You like that BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA?!”
“HELL YEAH I LIKE THAT BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA!”
“Well I’ll give you the BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA, then.”
“YEAH GIVE ME THAT BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA!”
“Do you want it with BIG SAUSAGE?!”
“THE BIGGEST SAUSAGE YOU CAN GIVE ME, BIG BOY!”
“I got a BIG SAUSAGE.”
“Well good because I like BIG SAUSAGE.”
“Do you want it on your PIZZA?”
“Yeah, give me a BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA!”
Just give her the fucking cock.

SHOW HER FACE, FUCKING CHRIST.
Self-explanatory. I, like any other Joe, love a nice body; but goddamnit, I’ve seen too many 10 second clips where it’s ambiguous if the girl is hot or not. I don’t fuck butterfaces, I don’t want to jerk off to them too. If I wanted to do that, I’d subscribe to Glamour.

MILF Hunter: Where are the hot moms?
Your entire title hinges on the ILF. Between you and me, those ugly 50-year-old crack whores are MINLF.

I’m jealous of Mr. Big Dick. Stop showing him.
Not because of his dick size, but because he’s fucked every, single girl on the internet. Dude has fucked every girl in my family. Hell, he’s my father. I don’t like seeing him fuck every girl I’ve ever actually had feelings for. I want to see him only when I have to. Thanksgiving and Christmas. (Thanks, Mom.)

Germans: What the FUCK?
Dudes, what the hell is wrong with y’all? You’ve got vipers eating out babies and chimpanzees giving Arabians hand jobs. Cool it a little. I realize that you like to “push your borders” but Poland’s already getting nervous that your strap-on production has gone up 400%.

Stop asking if I’m lonely!
I’m not lonely. I’m horny. Yes, horny sometimes leads to lonely, but it’s insulting. I wouldn’t go to a fucking intervention with my cock in my hand; thusly, I don’t want to read that shit.

Eurotrash: The way to go.
Offer American citizenship to women in Eastern Europe. Those bitches got TITS for days and ASS for weeks. They got blonde hair and pink cheeks. They’ll fuck you hard, even when you can’t rap. And they’ll suck the jam off your nuts for a Big Mac. (OH, WHITE BOY LAID IT DOWN.)

Celeb porn: Make it real.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that Anna Farris had bright orange skin and purple labia. The bitch looks like a sunset. Cut the shit and just put tiny cameras on your shoes, like that one guy with Britney Spears.

Brittney Spears’ square ass/filthy vagina is not porn.
I’d rather jerk off to an Arby’s commercial.

It’s H-O-R-N-Y, not H-O-N-R-Y.

Quality is an issue.
The only acceptable bad quality movies are voyeuristic. In that case, I like the tension it causes. If your quality isn’t above 3 MBs for a 10 second clip, it’s like watching two people fuck in 18th century England.

The Money Shot: No.
When I watch porn, I like to think that I’m in the scene. So, generally when I see the money shot, I think, “My head cannot possibly bend down that far…” And I finally just cry. How are you going to do that to me?

Two Guys on One Girl: Bad.

Two Girls on One Dude: Excellent.

Two Guys on Two Girls: Confusing.

Choose Your Adventure Porn: Not enough of it!
I used to read those things (especially books by R.L. Stein). I realize that we’d all just end up clicking every option, but increasing the amount of interactive ability is always a plus. Also, if you did that, porn directors, I’d get… Goosebumps.

Hiyo.

Girls: Shave.

This isn’t the goddamned 80’s. Even Hillary Clinton trims.

Teasers: Porno Schmorno
Wow, that girl is wearing jeans! Whoa! That girl has a parka on! Sweet! OH MY CHRIST THAT GIRL IS IN A BAGGY T-SHIRT! SPLOOGE TIME!

Are you fucking retarded? Show skin, goddamnit. I’ll stop wasting my time on my computer and just start jerking off in the Barnes and Noble.

Ass to mouth: Um…
In the words of Nappy Roots: AW NAW, HELL NAW.

If… and that’s a really really big if…

IF I wanted to see girls do that, I’d take a dump in my roommate’s girlfriend’s mouth. She sleeps with it open, you know.

Stop writing on the girl.
I already know she’s a “DUMB SLUT” and that she “LOVES THE COCK.” Don’t be silly, you guys.

Black women: Not so much.
Sorry again! But really, even the niggas like the white devil.

Asian men: Comic and hilarious (hirarious).
“I gaw fi dorrar!”
“Then fuck me big boy.”
“Pesi aw wata?”
“…Are you going to fuck me?”
“Pesi aw wata?”

Condoms?
Why? Oh, WHY? I’m trying to have a fucking fantasy here! I break my neck to write articles and entertain people; the least you can do is seriously injure yourself at the expense of letting me blow my load into an old sock.

SWALLOW.

If you’re going to spit… there’s this wonderful technology called “stop action filming.” Pause the camera. Spit it out. Then return your face to the dick. Start filming I won’t know the difference, and we’ll all be the better for it.

Make it easier to clear the history.
Pop-ups and viruses?! C’mon you fucking bastards! I personally don’t care about it anymore, but my little brother is getting to that age and my parents are strict as hell. I’m still getting over my parents beating me while I finished. (Thanks Mom.)

If you really want to make more money on your site, think about product placement.

“Hey girl, drink this shit.”

“Oh, this Schweppes Caffeine Free Ginger Ale is making me horny, Poppi.”

“Yeah, you know you like the bubbly.”

Don’t insult my intelligence.
If I’m looking at porn and I see an ad for webcams or LOCAL FUCK BUDDIES, I’m going to ignore it, especially if sign they hold says something like “I’m hot and horny in MORGANTOWN, WEST VIRGINIA 26505, YOUR IP ADDRESS IS 604.13.566.”

A word on a New World Porn Order…
I have a theory that at least 40% of American girls are naked somewhere on a computer. I developed this theory because I’ve had a 40% success rate at getting my ex-girlfriends to take naked pictures of them. I say, we make a free-hosted website where we all just upload those pictures. Seriously, how badass would that be?

A word on appropriate nipple diameter…
The ideal range is between 1.75’’ and 2.49.’’

The Overview:

It’s not hard. My penis. And that’s the problem. If you want to keep your visitors coming back, follow these easy steps.

-Have a good range of blonde Caucasian teens.
-Show them fucking. Preferably two of them on one white male, of average looks and penis size.
-Have no talking, other than her vibrant moaning and maybe a “That’s your pussy, boy!”
-Fuck with Christian girls. They’re freaks in bed.
-Directors, stop calling my mother.
-Mom, stop picking up.
I’m going to go jerk myself. Begrudgingly.

The end.

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