Dude working out with a smile

Hey dudes, I'm here to tell you about my exciting new Kickstarter project, New Dudes Magazine, the workout magazine for dudes who like watching dudes working out. And just because it's not actually "legally" affiliated with kickstarter.com due to the fact that I was previously banned from their site for allegedly attempting to blackmail potential financial backers doesn't mean that this isn't a great investment opportunity for all you young entrepreneur type dudes out there.

And just like a real Kickstarter project, I'll be offering prizes for your pledges! But more on that later. First let's talk about the magazine.

Do you like wrestling? We wrestle all the time at Dude Mansion! Is that weird? Don't make it weird, dude.Let me ask you a question: Do you like working out, but don't know what to do? Do you often find that when you try to lift weights, you've suddenly forgotten how? Do you need step-by-step pictorial instructions for basic exercises like sit-ups and push-ups? Do you need to see full-color photographs of brand new dudes showing you how to do the exact same basic exercises every single month? Then you need New Dudes Magazine.

New Dudes isn't just another workout magazine full of pictures of buff sweaty dudes in the gym… it's a workout magazine full of TONS of pictures of buff sweaty dudes in the gym. New Dudes contains 30% more dudes than any other workout magazine on the market. 30%! That's a lot of new dudes!

Dude straining while working out

But in order to make this dream a reality, it's going to take lots and lots of money. Running a magazine has lots of expenses, from printing costs to legal fees to cocaine hot tub parties with strapping young possibly underage boys with fake IDs and model release forms which absolve me of any and all criminal charges.

But enough business, let's talk about those prizes!

Model guy working out

If you pledge $5, you will receive a personalized email that says, "Thanks dude, you rock!"

If you pledge $25, you will receive a T-shirt that says "I LOVE NEW DUDES."

If you pledge $50, I will personally show up to your home or place of work and give you a high five or fist bump (your choice). You will also get the free T-shirt, a two-year subscription to the magazine, and a New Dudes 365-day desk calendar. Get hot steamy workout tips from a new dude every day!

If you pledge $100, you will receive the fifty dollar prize package plus a private basement screening of my documentary art film DUDES IN THE SHOWER (winner of three Sundance Film Festival awards).

If you pledge $250, you will be offered a starring role in my new film DUDES IN THE SHOWER 2, along with a lifetime supply of free soap.

If you pledge $500, I will kick somebody's ass for you. Anybody at all. Your boss. Your dad. That dude Kevin that works at the copy shop. What's his problem, anyway? I can't stand that guy. Want me to kill him? I'll do it. If I can't take him, I'll send someone who can.

If you pledge $1,000, I will paint a wall size portrait of you arm wrestling the president, Sylvester Stallone, or a Minotaur (your choice).

If you pledge $10,000, you will be picked up in a limo and taken to Dude Mansion where you will get to live with me and the dudes from New Dudes Magazine! Forever! We'll be best buds. We'll hang out, get high, watch dudes working out… you know, guy stuff. Hey, do you like wrestling? We wrestle all the time at Dude Mansion! Is that weird? Don't make it weird, dude. Oh, and you should bring some snacks. We're also gonna need you to cover the utilities and cable.

So what are you waiting for? Pledge today!

Please make all checks payable to "Hotsauce Johnson." Some prize offers not valid in states where there are warrants for my arrest.