>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

January 30, 2008

Tammy: I was thinking of doing a Boston/New York theme for the Super Bowl. Like, everyone could dress up as their favorite
character from a movie about Boston and New York. What do you think?
Nathan:
If you were a man you’d be dead by now.

There’s nothing shittier than a shitty Super Bowl party, with the possible exception of unnecessary hyperbole. The Super Bowl is, in my arrogant opinion, a holiday. In fact it is the Holiday. It is so much of a Holiday that it kicks New Year’s Day, Memorial Day and Labor Day in the ass on its way to bloody the nose of Christmas. The Super Bowl is so many different kinds of awesome, that fucking it up should be a sin, kind of like rape but worse.

You see, if you take one of the best days on the planet and make me wish I was home watching the game alone, I reserve the right to see to it that the next twelve months of your life are covered with my greasy spittle and infringed upon by the occasional Nate-made fire.

Think I’m kidding? Fucking try me.

On second thought, don’t try me. The Super Bowl is sacred. No reason to go around testing the limits of sociopaths just to try and prove a point.

“Only two gimmicks are acceptable during the Super Bowl: wagering and drinking games.”

Anyway, here are some ways to guarantee that your Super Bowl party does not suck. It really is a simple formula. Just avoid the gimmicks, provide the beer and food, make sure that almost all men there totally understand the game, and make sure that the accommodations are deserving of the big game. Ordinarily this is the part in my column where I tell you that I’m only continuing this piece because I got space left in the column (seeing as how I’ve made my point already) but some elaboration is necessary here. I really don’t want any of you to fuck this up.

First and foremost, there’s the venue. Any good Super Bowl Party must be hosted in the living room of the person who has the nicest TV in the group. If there are twenty of us sitting in a room and some dude says, “My HDTV is way bigger than this one,” then we have already fucked up. Timeline wise, this decision should have been made by now, but what can I say, last week was MLK day and I had a speech to steal.

Now that you know where you’re watching the big game, you must make sure to stock the party with the right kind of people. As you may have noticed, there are two types of people: men and women. Therefore there are two different sets of rules regarding what type of women and what type of men should be at your party. The thing about women is that it doesn’t really matter too much. All women need to know at a Super Bowl party is to ask us if we need anything when they go to the kitchen or cooler, and to refrain from talking to the men about stupid shit (shit that has nothing to do with the game is stupid shit on Super Bowl Sunday). As for men, only two types are welcome: dudes who know and care about football, and dudes who are planning to bring a yacht-load of beer, bitches and umm…other supplies. It makes for a much better party if these two types of guys are the same dudes. That way there’s more beer.

Your party should be stocked with beer. There should be beer everywhere. There should be complaints about a lack of cooler space for the beer. People should be devouring all the food in the fridge in an effort to make room for beer. And that food, well it should be awesome.

Now that I’m health-kicking, I really can’t justify my feelings about food at Super Bowl parties so let me just say this: staples include chips, crackers, dips, spreads, wings, pizza, mozzarella sticks, miniature sandwiches, and maybe some fresh vegetables to stem the possibility of heart attacks.

It really is that simple. With the right food, the right people, copious amounts of liquor and umm…other stuff, there is no reason why your football party can’t kick ass. Umm…unless you go gimmicky.

Gimmick parties are alright…sometimes. I don’t mind the occasional underwear party or fifties theme. I’m not the hugest fan, but I can get down with a gimmicky party. What I cannot do however, is allow a gimmick to work its way into a Super Bowl party. So ladies, that means no charades or treasure hunts, no stupid themes, none of that shit.

In fact, only two gimmicks are acceptable during the Super Bowl: wagering and drinking games. That’s it. Everything else is officially un-fucking-necessary. Hear me ladies? As in it detracts from the fun and takes away from the game.

Also, and I know this goes without saying, but if you or someone else ain’t barbecuing something at some point at this party, then feel free to fill my asshole with barbecue sauce and munch to your heart’s content.

Soulless bastards.


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