>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
January 9, 2005

Upon first glance at this week's title, one might be prone to bewilderment. The same bewilderment one would experience if he were suddenly in the middle of the woods…at midnight…with a prowling beast gazing from behind the brush with foamy breath.

And then you turn around and see his eyes glimmer from the ravenous hunger within no doubt, but more likely from the moonlight that cascades through the trees. And you try to run from this behemoth of claws and fangs and blood thirst. But he's too fast, and at last you realize there is no escaping him, only succumbing to his will so that you may find solace in the fact that your flesh and bones, gorging his gullet, allow him to sleep most contently. In the morning, it will mystically happen again.

I really don't know where that came from, but that's kinda what it's like when you're obsessed with something. And that's today's topic: taking a good sobering look at your obsessions. For example, I'm obsessed with writing really lame intros for my columns.

Here's where it all went wrong.

“Oooh, Nice Features”

That's what I've been saying all break, but not to the ladies. Oh no, that line is reserved for my true love: Anchorman the DVD. No matter how you slice it, I am OBSESSED with Ron Burgundy. But fulfilling this monster's appetite has been a doozie. Watching the movie was hardly going to cutit. I had to load up all the special features as well. You know, the hours of bull they put on there merely because someone felt that not filling up the DVD was a waste. Well I was forced to gaze upon those precious clips by my all-consuming, devastatingly hopeless, borderline man-crush love for Ron Burgundy. And I'm not talking deleted scenes people, that's pussy shit. You want to go hardcore? Get that feature commentary going, or how about the blooper reel. What's this? An entirely separate disc pumped full of extras? Now we're talking. Throw in taking pictures of yourself dressed like Ron, and you've got a full blown “Oh Boy Session”…or O.B. Session for short.

If you're not chuckling right now, you should reread that last line.

Wondrous Pilfering of Automobile

That's what my butler calls my other current preoccupation…c'mon think about it a little…. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Did I say butler? PSHH, homie, you know I from da hood, straight gattin' down bustas for disrespectin' me while I'm tryin' to represent my family and doggin' fly honeys. And therein lies the appeal of this game: escape from reality to fantasy…or at least a different reality than you can find in Richie McWhitetown. Now I know there are other gamers out there with way more devotion, but for the here and now I declare myself OBSESSED with San Andreas. When you wake up in the mid-afternoon because you've been playing the game into the wee hours of night, and the first thing that comes to mind is playing some more, it's pretty bad. But when you're driving in real life and see a cop car and all you're thinking about is doing a drive-by and getting “Wanted” stars, you've pretty much become one of the teens you see on the news.

“San Andreas is German for…Whale's Vagina.”

The Doctor is In

And his last name is Pepper. That's right, it's time the truth came out. I am OBSESSED with Dr. Pepper. You know how it feels the first time you kiss a girl? It's like a thunderstorm in your mouth. There's a flurry of activity and you're not sure what just happened, but you know you want more. Well I don't know if that's true because I've never been kissed. But let me tell ya, if it's anything like Dr. Pepper, then First Base is as far as I wanna go people. Now I know you're like, “Yeah I like Cokes too,” but you don't understand. I like other soft drinks. At times I even love them, actually I just say I love them and never call them back. But I am in a committed relationship with Dr. Pepper. I'm drinking one RIGHT NOW in fact. And if you already read this like a day or so ago, and you're reading it again, it still applies. Go ahead and refresh the page, I don't care. I'm still DRINKING! Unless I'm operating a vehicle, because I don't want a DWI. Dr. Pepper is intoxicatingly awesome.

And Mr. Pibb can lick his balls for all I care.

Well I hope I've inspired you, either to examine your own obsessions and rejoice in them, or to go buy Anchorman, San Andreas, and Dr. Pepper. Let me warn you however, combine those three in a single night and you're in for a ridiculous amount of fun. You might never find the same fulfillment in life again, and be forced to trudge through the rest of your days knowing you hit your peak. I mean no matter how crazy a party gets it'll never be on par.

Sprite: Man this is one CRAZY PARTY!
7-Up: Tell me about it, Mountain Dew is skateboarding in the house, Cherry Pepsi has gone wild, and Mr. Pibb did a line of Coke and is trying to lick his own
Mr. Pibb: Oww, my back! Somebody get a doctor!
Dr Pepper: I swear this is the only reason they invite me to these things.
Sprite: CLEARLY we should get outta here and go somewhere more…private.
7-Up: Didn't you just use that same line on Sierra Mist?