>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
January 1, 2006

Mike’s really done it this time, and of course he calls on me, Michelle, to pick up the pieces. He’d do it himself but we all know how bad Mike is at getting a piece. So yeah, he pissed off all the women he knows—his mom and sister—and now I have to even it out by ragging on guys a little. Speaking of ragging, if I get a little riled up in this article, you’ll know why.

Guys, I know what you’re thinking, you’d LOVE to be a woman for a day. Yeah because playing with your breasts doesn’t get old after 5 minutes. And even if it didn’t, that starts to qualify you as a lesbian. But after one day of being a woman, you probably won’t like men either.

Well my Midol’s kicking in, so let’s be positive while we can. Being a woman is great. We get to explore ourselves much more freely, and lavish in our status as the sensual icons of beauty and grace. Like, we’re hot and stuff. Only girls get to create fabulous friendships in which we can call each other sluts and slap asses, and have raging fights that almost destroy the universe because we are so dramatic.

You know what on second thought, I HATE GIRLS!

Why am I crying? I’m not even sad!

Body or Nice

Good enough to EAT.
Don't BRA-ther trying to get in Michelle's pants, she's mad at you right now.

One would think that the more attractive of the two sexes would get to relax while the other catches up. Such is not the case. Somehow men have managed to skip out on beauty time, and instead devote it to creating impossible standards for the female figure. We have to have pretty hair, teeth, eyes, and lips…but it doesn’t stop with the head either, we got to keep the downstairs banging too, and keep banging you downstairs, and upstairs. All day long you guys want sex, and if there ever is a time when you don’t, you assume that we’re just not hot enough and make us use more beauty products more often. And once that’s done, we can’t even get our proper beauty rest because you keep poking us from the spooning position.

Honey, stop that. No I will not calm down. What is it with you and being so horny all the time, cut it out. That tickles! What are you doing? Hey who said you could take those off… Okay wow. Um… Yes, right there. Keep going, why’d you stop? No I don’t like it that way. OW! OW! GENTLE! OWWW MY GOD THAT FEELS GOOD. On the table? You’re so creative. What’s wrong now? Well? It’s not going to orgasm itself, what are you waiting for? Wait, I don’t know about this. Baby. Baby no—mmph…mmmmmph. ACK…mmmMMMmmmm.

Oh yeah, fork me good.

Going Out WITHOUT a Bang

I swear there are no gentlemen left in the world. Is one classy date too much to ask? It’s your chance to show some actual interest in us. Open doors for us, and we’ll open doors for you. By doors I mean legs, and by legs I mean our menus, because we’re eating right now. Get your mind off our crotch. When we want your head there, we’ll forcefully grab it.

I can’t stress this enough, because I’ve been stressing over it too much lately: Do you have any idea how demeaning and belittling it is to have a guy come and go without caring about your feelings…OR your emotions? All we want is for you to LIKE US!!! Why don’t you like me, Brian? You were so nice, but then I made the mistake of spending the night and now I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE! What happened?! Can’t we at least be friends? Do you still want head? I can do that. I promise, these are happy tears…

That or I’m gagging, I JUST DON’T KNOW RIGHT NOW!!!

Friends with NO Benefits

God, this is SO hard. All my friends are off having fun while I’m stuck at home with the cramps writing for some bearded son of a bitch who wants me to WRITE ABOUT IT? I don’t even know why I have friends, all they do is bitch and whine, but they’re never around when I need them. Right now they’re probably at some bar, borrowing my skirt, my eyeliner, and my ex. Yeah Melissa, you heard me right. I said it was fine that you go out with Brian, but secretly I was hoping he’d try it in your two-hole and leave you just as torn as me. I’m NOT okay with it. And you know what else I’m not okay with…um, your stupid new haircut, because it looks too much like my hair…ON MY VAGINA!

Don’t think the rest of you get off either…even though that probably is what you’re doing right now. Stacy, Kendyl, Heather, Christy, Kristen, Kristine, Christina, Kirsten, Kjersten, and Wendy. For all the times I gave you rides. Okay I was drunk and it ended up being an embarrassing picture, but I also drove you places. This is what I get? My only real friends are this stick of cookie dough and pint of vanilla ice cream… I would mix them together to make cookie dough ice cream, but that’s not going to stop my menstrual flow now is it! All of you are officially dead to me.

Oh Hi Kristen… Just calling to check up on me? You are so NICE!

Brian: You have no idea what it’s like being a man.
Michelle: Yeah, neither do you!
Girls: Wooooo!
Brian: Where was this sense of humor when we were dating?
Michelle: I used to laugh when I saw you naked.
Girls: Wooooooooo!
Brian: Would you cut it out, I’m trying to be real.
Michelle: Speaking of real, my orgasms weren’t!
Girls: WOOOooOoOOOOoooOOO!!!

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.