Nathan: So what did you do today while I was at work?
Amy: I lounged by the pool and I watched TV and I played video games.
Nathan: Rough life.
Amy: We should go out to dinner.

I love it when readers give me suggestions for column topics because it means that I don’t have to think that much. I’m not very good at anything that requires intelligence, so avoiding thinking is a major part of what I do with my spare time (while drinking). In response to my column two weeks ago, a reader by the name of Melody told me that she thinks that life is easier for men, and that I should write a column illustrating how life is not easier for men than it is for women.

Now, I’ve never met Melody and I don’t know her from Eve, but I’m still taking her suggestion because (and this is important) she saved me the pain and suffering of having to come up with my own column topic. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is priceless. Anyway, enough foreplay. Get out your knives and forks, and dig into the meat and potatoes of this Melody-inspired literary dish. You may thank her later; I’ll do it now. Thanks, Melody.

“If I could get a dime with my body or my tears, I would. But no. I’m a guy so I have to use my brains.”

Only one aspect of life is harder for you women: the physical. Yes, you are weaker and are often raped and beaten as a result. Yes, you go through periods every month. Yes, you are more hormonal than men. And yes, I am tired of hearing you bitch about this. Girls, seriously, we get it. You bleed every month. We know because you make a huge deal out of it, and we have to hear about it over and over again. I’m sorry God did that to you, but seriously, your physical makeup aside, you have life much easier than men. Don’t believe me? Check out this list.

Men Must Work

Part of being a man is growing up with the knowledge that you will have to work your whole life. As a man, we know that no matter what, the world will require us to make money and provide for others. This is responsibility. This is pressure. This, in short, is a fucking bitch. Now, it is true that many women do work and that some of them even have to work because of fiscal situations or whatever, but the bottom line is that for most women, working is a choice. In this regard, women have options; men have responsibility. Or, as my girlfriend says, “You should buy me more stuff.”

Your Orgasms Kick Ass

This one really pisses me off. I’ve seen women have orgasms that leave them slack jawed and drooling, grinning from ear to ear, and making noises that sound like a cross between a cat purring and a baby cooing. They have orgasms that last longer than an episode of Seinfeld. What do we get? About five seconds of release. I’d cut off my hand for the ability to have a female orgasm. And you think I’m kidding.

I ain’t kidding.

You Can Have Kids

I love my mom. I’d do about anything for her. We have a bond. My dad? I mean he’s great and all, and I also love him, but if a mysterious force made me choose between parents, there’s no way that the guy who taught me how to play pool and drink beer would take precedence over the woman who nurtured me. In most cases, children bond with their mothers and get beat up by their fathers. And I tell you, I’m really looking forward to having a kid who doesn’t listen to me and treats me like an ATM. It’ll be kind of like having a girlfriend. Only without the sex.

You Can Manipulate the Opposite Sex

You know how many speeding tickets I’ve gotten out of because I cried? That’s right. Zero. You know how many times I got great grades for sexually satisfying a teacher. That’s right, three times. But she was really hot and I probably would have gotten an A without her help. Anyway, my point is that chicks can get whatever they want (pretty much) just by being hot and showing their bodies or by crying. If I could get a dime with my body or my tears, I would. But no. I’m a guy so I have to use my brains. Which basically screws me because I’m stupid.

Women get to have children, experience Technicolor orgasms, avoid a life of working, and use their bodies to get pretty much whatever they want from stupid men. Yes, physically they have it tougher than men for the most part, but in almost every other respect of life, they have it easier. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to work.