>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
May 8, 2005

I hate cats.

(Well, what did you think the title meant? You should know by now I'm not above an obvious pun.)

Cats are a glaring, ugly, annoying waste of space, and they should be dragged out to the street one by one and beaten to death with a tire iron. There are two types of people: cat people and dog people. Dog people are intelligent, thoughtful beings, and cat people should be launched out of a cannon wearing their asshole as a helmet.

The seven reasons I hate cats, in no particular order:

1. They are ugly. Seriously, have you ever seen a cute cat? Kittens are cute, you say? You say wrong. Kittens are just like babies. Babies are not cute. They are pudgy and ugly and smell like the men's room at a gay bar. Kittens are even worse.

2. Cats think they are the shit. Seriously, if you ignore a dog, the dog comes after you and sniffs your crotch until you've got an erection and the phone number of a qualified therapist. A cat ignores YOU. Well, what the fuck? Who feeds you, asshole?

3. Cats are lazy. Can you play fetch with a cat? No, they lie around the house all day like friggin' Mexicans. Contributing nothing to society but pooping indoors. Just like Mexicans.

4. Litter boxes. I hate when people tell me cats are better because a cat is capable of dropping a deuce indoors. But let me get this straight, not only are you more than happy to let your pet drop some brown in the house, you'll allow them to play with it, and save it for later like a leftover calzone? What kind of logic is that? At least a dog knows his place.

5. Cats make shitty actors. I've seen a lot of great dog performances in my day: Old Yeller, Lassie, Benji, Shadow, Hooch, Puffy. Name one great cat performance? You can't. Cats are the Ashton Kutcher of animals: if you see them on a movie poster, you can pretty much attest the movie will suck.

6. Cats play with yarn. Isn't that a little fruity? Have you ever seen dog toys? Giant bones and rubber bouncy things. That's fun shit. I've bought myself a couple of dog toys that I play with constantly. Not like that. Perverts.

7. I'm allergic, so technically, they started it.

Cats. What gay animals.