>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
April 11, 2004

“What's your major?” It's the question that divides “What's your name?” from “So how many beers do you need before you want some of this?” in every college conversation. It's the cornerstone of every introduction, the question you've refined your answer to a thousand times. But there's a problem. You're not interested.

“What's your major?” It's like “What's your sign?” with an irrelevance factor of 274,581. Listen, does it matter if that girl's a theology or French film major? No, them titties stay the same no matter how she decides to spend her $100,000. I understand that it's a pivotal question for all the meet-and-greet chit-chat you social people like so much, but it's helplessly inane. Would you not be be better served asking “What's your favorite movie?” or “Boxers or briefs?” They tell a lot more about a person than some dumbass declaration of how they plan to be bored for four years.

Now, I'm writing this column for two reasons:

1. I'm currently taking a middler-year writing class consisting of people from all majors who feel the need to regale us in long, boring tales of their major.

2. I'm taking a journalism requirement right now, and my professor tends to generalize us all as journalists. This pisses non-journalists off. I offer to let the non-journalists suck my balls or to give them something REAL to cry about, but that does surprisingly little to appease their fragile tempers.

So, I'm going to save us all trouble and break down the types of vermin who inhabit each and every major. (By the way, if I forgot to include your major in here, don't write and tell me about it. The reason for it simple: your major is completely useless, and couldn't even make the list. Boo-yeah!)

African, Asian, Latino, Women's, Jewish, Middle Eastern Studies Majors: People who are waaaaaay too into their upbringing. Not very well-rounded. Probably don't speak English. Probably smell funny. Probably bitches.

Biology, Chemistry, Astronomy, Physics, Geology Majors: Masturbate to their TI-83. Really enjoy “Tron”. Nerds in every sense of the word.

Criminal Justice: Retards on a power trip. Got their first wood when they were named hall monitor in second grade. Can't appreciate how much fun it truly is to break the law.

Mathematics: Even worse than the Bio/Chem/Phys freaks. Mostly Asians, which isn't a bad thing, just means loads of anime and jibberish names like Tzu Ling and Fatt Wang. Spends too much time watching “Good Will Hunting” and telling you Matt Damon's character was doing “easy” problems.

Theater: Drama queen retards who desperately need attention. Cause loads of soap opera shit. Consists mostly of ugly, attention whore girls and guys who took the bicycle seat off on purpose.

Art: Pretentious cocksmokers who wear thick glasses they don't need and tight sweaters. Shouldn't even be on this list because art isn't a major.

Computer sciences: Even geekier than math majors, think they are badass because they are going to make six figures for playing “Quake” and jerking off.

Engineering: “OMIGOD, it's so HARD!” But enough about an engineer's sex life…. Seriously, though, all these people know how to do is bitch and some mild calculus. Look, no one forced you to take seventeen physics class and then rape your calculator, so stop bitching. And I've had enough of the cute short names science majors give their classes: Diff-i-cues. Physi-chem. Jonathan-Taylor-Thomas. Shut the FUCK up!

Education: Those who can't do, teach. That's all there is to it. And you won't get paid worth a shit because the government knows you're useless, too.

English: Christ. I hated hated HATED English class, and I was good at it. I hate English because every female teacher I ever had was a feminist douche-on-the-lose who wanted us to read Jane Eyre and write papers on how men have destroyed society. Every male English teacher I ever had tried to molest me after class, which is no good in my book.

Interdisciplinary: Ummm, I don't know what this means, but I'm assuming it's utterly worthless, so that takes care of that.

Pre-Med, Nursing, Health Care Majors: The worst are the doctors who think they're moral crusaders merely on the basis that they are doctors, when it's perfectly clear they are in the profession to make money. Please stop soiling yourselves if I call you Mr. as opposed to Dr. You know what, I want you to call me King JD Rebello. I worked very hard to earn this title, too. And why is it impossible for me to tell a health major I'm sick without them putting the George Clooney wig on? “You have a sore throat?” “Is it pharyngitis?” “Are your pupils dilated?” “Get me 3 CCs of thoroghlandydngjhsjfjsjcene, STAT!”

Foreign Language: Good. Learn the language. Then move there, you anti-American sonofabitch.

Philosophy: Wow. We're getting into the lowest of the low now. What can I say that hasn't already been said? Worthless? Check. A complete waste of time and money? Check. Only useful if you're heavily into drugs? Check. Let's move on.

Religion: Congratulations, you've found a way to stretch CCD into four years and making it cost thousands. What would Jesus do? Probably drop out.

Law: Well, it's a major with a set future. You WILL go to Hell as a law student. Congratulations.

Advertising: Unless you're the guy who came up with the “BRILLIANT” ads, you're a lying prick. And if you're the one who invented pop-ups, give me your address so I can drive to your house and jam a wooden spoon in your colon.

Journalism: You're perfection. Lot of writing, though.