>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
March 28, 2004

I realize my last few columns have been really negative, and I'd hate for you all to think that I'm a negative person. That's not true. I really love a lot of shit. Those who know me know how much I love my dog, Madden 2004, Sam Adams beer, Bill Simmons, girls with funny voices, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc.

I digress. The name of the column is “Casual Misanthropy,” not “Puppy Dogs and Flowers.” So, yeah, a lot of what you read here is negative reaction to my fucked up world view. What you've been reading the last few months is only the tip of the iceberg. I've yet to truly lay down my absolute hatreds, to the point they could be described as obscene. And since people love emailing me and asking me what I think about so-and-so, I figured I'd offer a template of the worst of the worst.

Bear in mind, this is a work-in-progress, so please don't email or IM me with “You forgot this….” By the way, this is only my opinion, and I could be wrong. I'm not wrong, but for the sake of argument I could be.

And without further ado,

The Obscene Hatred List!

65. People who don't watch (understand?) hockey.

66. People who play Nintendo Gamecube. (Why, when you can very easily own PS2?) In fact, anyone who played Nintendo growing up and considers themselves superior to Sega people. (You all know Sonic could bitchslap Mario six ways past Sunday.)

67. Cable companies carrying BET, Lifetime, NOW, Oxygen, MTV Latino, E!, and SciFi Channel, but NOT ESPN Classic.

68. Math/Science requirements for journalism majors, professors who wear jeans, professors who have office hours for a half an hour once a week, professors who enforce mandatory attendance, professors who hold the class late teaching and say, “Hold on, this will only take a minute…”

69. People who don't like Super Troopers, Porky's, Field of Dreams, Swingers, Clerks and the Mighty Ducks trilogy.

70. Anyone 18 and above who wears a high school letter jacket, anyone who took AP's, anyone who won any kind of prom king/queen thing and puts it on their resume.

71. People who smoke weed and think they are Tony Montana, people who smoke weed while listening to Jermaine Dupri, people who don't get high right away when they smoke weed but act like they did.

72. People who quit fantasy sports one month into the season because their team sucks.

73. English-speaking people who speak in a foreign language when it's not necessary.

74. The last episode of Seinfeld, Friends since Chandler and Monica got together, Frasier since Niles and Daphne got together, SNL since Will Ferrell left.

75. Black athletes who evoke historical figures to describe their current business situations. For example, Terrell Owens compared himself to Rosa Parks during a contract dispute so he could make $15 million in signing bonuses. (Did I miss a day of history somewhere?)

76. Anyone who breaks any of my “Golden Rules of Instant Messenger.”

77. Republicans.

78. Batman and Robin, Terminator 3, every sequel ever made (except for the Mighty Ducks movies, Back to the Future, and Indiana Jones), any movie by Spike Lee (except for “25th Hour” and “Summer of Sam”), Bad Boys 2, Charlie's Angels 2, any movie with Vin Diesel, any movie with Julia Roberts (except for “Ocean's Eleven”), any movie featuring old white guys speaking Ebonics, any movie featuring women dancing around to “I Will Survive,” any movie that ends with a wedding, prom, or airport (not including “Love Actually”, cause that movie rocks!), any chick flicks particularly “Dirty Dancing” and “Pretty Woman,” any movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan together, any movie with gay-ass elves and shit that wins 16,351 Oscars.

79. People who get drunk and spend the entire night telling you how drunk they are.

80. Students who nod at everything the professor says, people who bring full meals to class, girls who show up to class 45 minutes late with perfect hair and makeup and a cup of coffee.

81. Reality Shows, Dating Shows, “Talent” Shows. As a subcategory, the worst of the genre are (in ascending order of suckitude) Survivor, Joe Millionaire, Bachelorette, American Idol.

82. The MBTA, Boston construction, the Boston accent in general, expensive-ass housing, nonstop taxation (without representation!), people from Massachusetts thinking they are better than the rest of New England. (Other than that, great city!)

83. Business majors.

84. Metrosexuals, and anyone who uses the term. (I prefer “queers-in-training.”)

85. Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake, Missy Elliot, any current rapper except for Dre, Snoop, and Eminem. Any band that pretends to be Blink 182. Metallica. Every solo project ever. Every artist who doesn't write their own lyrics. Every music video that rips off “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” Limp Bizkit. Kid Rock.

86. Anyone who takes a little too much interest in Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, Dungeons and Dragons, Magic, Final Fantasy, etc.

87. Girls who need attention, girls who cry when they drink, girls who love to perpetuate drama, girls who are fake, girls who don't apologize, girls who are spoiled, girls who can't watch a wedding on TV without commenting on the bride's dress.

88. Fat people, particularly those who: need an extra seat on an airplane or in a movie theater but refuse to pay for it, blame McDonalds for their fatness (causing McD's to take away Super-sizing, complete and utter bullshit), fat people who show a lot of skin, fat women who blame men for their fatness, fat people who say “It's glandular!”

89. Anyone who watches Anime.

90. Guys who wear cargo pants, guys who wear Abercrombie hats, guys who know TOO much about cars, guys who get offended by the “C-word,” guys who are whipped, guys who pick hoes before bros, guys who don't watch sports, guys who order chick drinks, guys who like to dance, guys who like to sing.

91. MTV, post-1996.

92. The cancellation of the “Family Guy.”

93. Game 6, Brett Favre (back in the day), John Elway, Bill Cowher, Ulf Samuellson, the entire NBA except for Garnett and Pierce, any sports team from New York or New Jersey, any California sports team.

94. Junk emails from companies wanting to give me bigger erections, bigger breasts, bigger ears.

95. The following states: South Carolina, Texas, California, New York, Vermont, Minnesota, and West Virginia. People from Puerto Rico who put their flag in their car, people from other countries who refuse to learn any English, people who moved here from other countries who constantly bitch about America, people who are going to write me calling me racist even though they agree with all this shit.

96. Roger Clemens, the only athlete ever to make me so angry I burst into tears.

97. People who hate America.

98. The New York Yankees and everything they represent, especially their fans.

99. Feminists.

100. People who spend their whole lives complaining. Oh, wait.