>>> Against Your Will
By staff writer John Marcher

April 17, 2008

The best way to break up with a girl is to be honest with her. I know this might at first seem like the last thing you would wanna do, but the more direct and to the point you can be about outlining why you don’t want to be with her, the better off you’re going to be. Once you’ve even begun arguing with a woman you’ve already lost, so your goal should be to institute an list of undeniable reasons why you don’t want to be with her, thereby eradicating the need for meaningful discourse on the subject.

Luckily for you, I’m here motherfucker, and I’m going to give you five rock-solid ghetto-shiznit reasons you can give a girl if you want to break up with her on the spot. These rules are especially powerful because they are applicable to all women, regardless of how crazy they are, which is really the only way I’m able to tell the difference between them anyhow.

1. Tell her she’s fat.

“I don’t know why you’re so crazy, perhaps it has something to do with your mother?”

Unless she’s anorexic or bulimic (or both), she could definitely lose a few pounds, or at the very least thinks she could. What’s also kinda nice about this reason is if you end up cracking and re-fucking her down the line, maybe she’ll have contracted one of the aforementioned diseases and look really fucking hot. Did I mention there’s a chance she’ll stop having her period if this continues long enough?

The only possible drawback to this tactic is if she really is kinda fat, drops the weight, and gets a hotter (read, taller) boyfriend than you, in which case, I guess that
totally sucks dude, I wouldn't know, I'm 6'1″.

2. Tell her she sucks in bed.

Not literally mind you, but…well, it just wasn’t very good. What’s nice about this excuse is that it’s foolproof. Even if she’s a certified whore, versed in advanced sexual techniques like throat fucking and anal beads, just say something like, “ I used to date a yoga instructor.” Women are naturally self-conscious about their ability in the sack because most of them fucking suck at it. They are unskilled laborers; their job, at its core, is to lay there and look pretty, and they are well fucking aware of it. Along this same line of thinking, however, realize that if you are in fact lying when you tell her that she sucks in bed, you might want to rethink the decision to break up with her in the first place.

3. Tell her she’s annoying.

This might be my personal favorite reason to give a girl when breaking up with her simply because of how fucking pissed off they get over it. Now normally, dealing with a pissed off girl really isn’t advisable, but in a situation like breaking up with them, all you can really do is have fun with it.

The coolest part is that they all revert back to the same line of reasoning after realizing they can’t refute that they are annoying as shit: you do some annoying things too. No shit, really? Great, all the more reason for us to break up, you dumb bitch.

4. Tell her she’s crazy.

Okay so I lied about which reason was my favorite because this is definitely the best reason out there to give a girl for breaking up with her because it’s invariably true. It’s like telling her you’re breaking up with her because she has ovaries—there’s not a goddamned thing she can say about it.

What’s also great about laying this out for her is that you really trap her in a scenario where she only has one course of action: asking you why she’s crazy? At which point all you have to do is turn the question back on her, and make it a referendum on the influential episodes of her early childhood. “I don’t know why you’re so crazy, perhaps it has something to do with your mother? What’s that? Your parents are divorced? Case fucking closed.”

5. Say, “I’m fucking someone else, and she’s hotter than you.”

I would suggest making it a reality before using this last line on a girl, simply because you come off a lot cooler that way. Plus, then you can totally have your ducks in a row and show her your new chick’s Facebook when she says, “What do you mean, Marine?” I mean look at this bitch, she’s gotta be 20 pounds lighter than you AND she has a bigger rack. What kind of fucked up physics allows for that to happen? The fact that a woman like this exists in direct contrast to your own anatomy is reason enough for you to move to Thailand and sell your fucking ovaries.

Be ready for some waterworks on this one because even I would concede this is a harsh way to go out. Also, be wary of possible vindictive, close-friend revenge sex by this girl too. I told you she’s crazy.

If all else fails, you have one option left: Finger her after soaking your fingers in Tabasco sauce.